Post # 1
so I’ll give you a quick background story. I have been married for about 14 years. We have 4 kids together. Under the age of 9. My husband used to love going out with his friends quite abit when I say go out I don’t mean go out clubbing I mean sitting at someone’s house playing cards and drinking coffee. Many years ago he had abit of a gambling problem. We would argue a lot, it was just about lying he didn’t want to tell me he went gambling like once a month he always hid it. So anyway I was always upset because he would always want to come home at 11-12 every night, I got tired of fighting so when he left the house at 7-8 pm I would get lonely and I started talking to people online. nothing really serious never met up with anyone but I was so lonely and felt uncared for. He found out and was so upset he did feel bad and blamed himself but I blamed myself too. I did try to communicate so many times to him though. so after that drama he said he would try not to do it as much and cut back. He told me if I felt lonely I need to tell him and he was so good for about 9 months. So I now have a baby and 3 other kids and he now stays out until 1-2 am drinking coffee with his friends. He set up a tracking device so I can track him. I know he is not doing anything but as soon as 7.30 hits he goes out the door and he’s with his friends until 2 am 6 days a week. I’m not exaggerating it’s 6 days a week. I get tired because I like to sleep next to him and the baby wakes me up. Am I being in reasonable? Are we supposed to not care that much after 14 Years? Is 1-2 am nearly every night acceptable? He knows how it made me felt and what I stupidly did but I feel like I’m constantly hitting a dead end and he’s not getting it. Yes he is great financially but I feel upset sleeping by myself every night. He has to work at 6am and if he gets tired he sometimes sleeps in the afternoons when I am busy with the kids. No idea what to do help
Post # 2
donatachi : I don’t think any advice received on this forum is going to improve things in this situation. You two need professional help. There’s too much going on here: a certain degree of infidelity, lying, gambling, neglect, resentment, and four little kids stuck in the middle.
I wish you good luck, and I hope you’ll seek help.
Post # 3
There is so much wrong with this marriage it’s hard to know where to begin.
No, it is not unreasonable of you to want him to be home most nights of the week. He is your husband, your partner in life and the father of your children. How on earth is he a father to your kids on a couple of hours in the evening? Does he ever take the kids to school or their extra murals? Go to watch their sports games or concerts, etc.? Does he help out with the baby at all?
This is before we even get started on what kind of a husband he is. It really doesn’t matter that he lets you track his whereabouts. He cannot be a good husband if he is not home. He is absolutely inviting infidelity and a whole host of other problems into his marriage with his behaviour, and I would tell him that if I were you, although he might not hear it coming from you.
As PP said, you guys definitely need professional help if the marriage is even able to be saved. I could never live like this.
Post # 4
He allows you to track him? Hmm. How hard do you supose it would be for him to drop his phone at a friend’s place then head on out to the casino or wherever he wants to go without you knowing?
While I think it’s fine and even healthy for couples to have their own interests, hobbies and even friends independent of each other, what your husband has done goes way beyond that. He has checked out of your marriage. He is not present, either physically or emotionally, in your life or the lifes of your children. That’s a pretty common characteristic of an addict. In your husbands case, he is addicted to gambling and he needs help.
Post # 5
Does he have a job?? Hard to believe he’s able to work full time and then leave every night until 2am.
Post # 6
donatachi : GPS spoofing is so easy. A tracking app means nothing. Even if he is where he says he is, it’s still not ok for him to be gone that much. This is not a normal expected progression after 14 years. Would he consider counselling?
Post # 7
What in the hell!!!! 6 day’s a week he stay’s out until 2am.? Nope, nope and hell nope. My ex-husband would stay out late on the weekend’s and nothing good came out of it.
Post # 8
I did the same thing. I still feel shame from it 10 years later. He was gone all the time and I was so lonely. Doesn’t excuse it but I didn’t mean it to go so far.
He was good for about 2 years and then we had another baby and with his shift work and going out so much I rarely saw him. I knew better than to go online again so I just dealt with it for 5 years and then I started to put my foot down and within a few months he left me for someone else and told me he just didn’t think he was cut out to be a husband and father.
He’s a much better part time father but not perfect. I’m much happier with someone who would rather be with me than out with his friends.
Your husband doesn’t enjoy being a husband or father or he’d be there more often. What you do with that realization is up to you.
Post # 9
Out until 2am?? How does he drag himself to work in the morning? You know that this isn’t the way a marriage should be. You could give him the choice of marriage counseling or divorce, but I believe people are what they are and are not likely to change radically, and it would take a radical change for him to turn into a good husband and father.
And tracking him on a device? Dude is missing the whole point. He’s supposed to be present in your lives, not a blip on a screen. Give me a break.
Post # 10
I couldn’t continue in a marriage like this. Counseling, compromise (only out 2 nights a week?) and consider your options. He is an absent husband and an absent father. Are you prepared to leave the marriage?
Post # 11
Oh wow these comments have really woken me up this morning. I do really appreciate the concern and thanks for the honesty.
So I’m going to be 100% honest in all of these questions. Does he have a job yes he is a buisness owner. He says he gets stressed from his job and going out helps. I do like that he has a social life but I feel 6 nights is to much. Financially I can’t complain. But not everything is about money. On the week days after school my kids are in activities I do quite abit. Twice a week the kids finish at 8pm and he goes to pick them up as it’s baby’s bed time and cranky time. He plays with them when he is at home but say if he picks up one of my kids at 8 pm he’s off to coffee shop. I have been so good honestly like the last year he will even say I’ve been near perfect and I’ve put in so much effort. Would I leave him? Look I have called his phone at night simply to tell him something or to get something on the way home. He does answer and delivers.
sometimes comes to see the kids in their activities not as much as I would like sometimes due to work but sometimes due to going to coffee or sleeping. Doesn’t come to school things because he is at work when these things happen.
I feel stupid to make someone stay home and spend time with me does that make sense? Like no your not going out and he’s at home because I’m making him? I wish he would just do that on his own accord . He hasn’t gambled for about 6 months I’ve been in control othe money that was something I requested. So I feel like now if I left him the reason would be because he goes to drink coffee 6 nights a week. I can’t justify divorce over this. I don’t hold. A grudge and we both have forgotten the past but it’s just this issue. Should I be more forceful?
Also I think someone asked how does he drag himself out of the bed that early lol I always wonder the same thing lol but he does sleep like in the afternoon when he finishes for abit to probably catch up on sleep. I guess I grew up different. My dad worked and had a good income but was always at home.
Also don’t know why it says 1969 marriage date next to my name lol we got married in 2005.
look I feel like he is a good dad to them I wish he was more present with me.
Post # 12
beethree : yes I could easily ask for 2 nights a week. But I feel stupid and feel like he is being forced maybe I have a problem. Am I willing to leave mmm not really I wrote in my reply as to why. He’s around the corner having coffee but vervet night im just confused thanks for your reply maybe I should just ask for 2 nights. I feel like on the odd occasion when he is at home I don’t know what to do and sometimes I just go to sleep because I am so tired and when he is in the house I can relax and sleep and just going to sleep with him hugging etc makes my whole next day 🙁
Post # 13
donatachi : “So I now have a baby and 3 other kids”
I notice that you said YOU have a baby and three other kids — not WE have a baby and three other kids. You probably said that because you’re the only one being a parent, so it doesn’t seem like you’re sharing this family with your ass of a husband. Honestly, I’m less concerned about how he’s treating you (which is badly) and more concerned about how neglectful of a father he is.
Post # 14
I can’t imagine having 4 kids including a baby and a husband who sleeps in the afternoon and is out every night. I would be so tired on top on unhappy. This is no way for a marriage to work. He should be going out maybe one night a week. I only know one couple with young kids that either spouse goes our late even semi regularly. Virtually everyone I know with young children never goes out until 2 am let alone six nights a week.
Post # 15
I put the kids to sleep at 8pm because they need their sleep and my kids wake up at 7.30 no matter what time they sleep. What do couples do at night with no kids ? At night I do cleaning and catch up on stuff after the kids sleep maybe I should try to be more fun or something