- 2 weeks ago
- Wedding: December 1969
obviousanonymous : I think your response is a tad aggressive and not helpful. You did say you weren’t concerned how he was treating me and now your making assumptions it’s just coming across as abit rude. I don’t wish to communicate with you any further. Thanks
“So I feel like now if I left him the reason would be because he goes to drink coffee 6 nights a week. I can’t justify a divorce over this”
Oh bee this has nothing to do with coffee and everything to do with the fact you have at best a neglectful husband, at worst a neglectful husband and father.
He told you that he goes out because you complain about being tired? So from your husbands perspective – he leaves you at home all day while he goes to work – while you look after the kids – he comes home and naps, you tell him you’re tired (what a surprise!) and instead of SUPPORTING YOU or trying to spend any time whatsoever with his wife, he runs away, every single night, to spend time with anyone but you.
Please stop making excuses for him. He is a crappy husband and you can do so much better.
donatachi : Before you broach marital counseling I hope you will go for yourself–after all this time you sound as if you are still auditioning for the role of his wife while has abandoned his role as husband and father. His response to you being tired should not to be to leave you to continue doing everything on your own.
Do you ever get to go out with your friends? Do anything for yourself?
donatachi : I definately think you need to seek outside professional help, it seems like you have attempted to solve this on your own without it working long term/more than a few months.
I can understand that with 14 years together and 4 little children leaving is the last option and obvuously something you want to avoid.
As someone who dealt with a small gambling issue with my own husband, I truly believe he still is gambling.. I just don’t see any other explanation for being out till 2 am everyday at a coffee shop.. just doesn’t add up, I didn’t even go out that much single in university…and you have 4 kids together!!! I don’t blame you for being lonely, I can’t imagine being home alone essentially every single night. this is not healthy or fair to you… I am not saying he doesn’t care but I do think he is 100% addicted and his gambling is just number one priority.. no matter the vice this is how addicts behave they the drinking/gambling/drugs/gaming whatever it may be above everything..
Also this works now on his end because the kids go to bed early, but that is not going to be the case forever they will grow up become teens/young adults and go to bed later which means family time now switches until 10 at least and later on weekends.. how are you going to explain to your kids that dad goes out everyngiht to drink coffee till 2 am.. kids are smart they catch on things and will resent their father when he is never home at night..
I know you trust him but I would drop by where he supposedly is drinking coffee and see if he is there. I do not know anyone who drinks that much coffee! This seems very suspect. And who is he with? How is there a whole group that can drink coffee for like 15 hours together each week?
Besides that your post makes me so sad. The sense of shame and low self esteem of you having to ask him to be home. You deserve so much better. Do not blame yourself.
Ok let me see if I have this straight.
– 14 years married with 4 kids under the age of 9
– he has a history of being out late with friends, playing cards (sounds like gambling) and drinking coffee
– he had a gambling problem in the past and lied to you frequently
– he neglected you so you went online and got attention from other men
– he got upset when he found out, and altered his lifestyle for a short time but essentially nothing changed long term
– he was still gambling up until 6 months ago and now you manage the money
– he put a tracker on his phone so you know where he is (though unless you actually go to the coffeeshop how do you know what he is really doing)
On a daily basis, your life goes like this:
– baby wakes you up after not getting enough sleep (probably not until your husband comes home)
– husband is up and at work at 6am
– you are busy with the baby and kids all day
– 2 nights a week some of the kids are out until 8pm (as an educator I’m going to say no kid needs tutoring until 8pm, he’d be better off reading books, relaxing and playing at home, and getting a decent amount of sleep)
– your husband stops working and takes a nap
– you are busy getting dinner for the kids
– 6 days a week he goes out from 7:30pm-2am (7.5 hours!!!!)
– you put the kids to bed and go to bed alone
– if you need him to pick up milk he will do that
Alright, having read all of this…I can see that there are 2 problems here.
The first problem is your husband. He sucks. He sucks so, so hard. He neglects you and he neglects his children, you are basically a single mother. No person, and I don’t care how much you love coffee, is drinking coffee out at a coffee shop until 2am. Aren’t coffee shops closed by midnight anyway? I guarantee he’s gambling in some way, or doing something else problematic. Even if what he is addicted to is being out all the time, No No No No NO this is not normal or ok.
The second and bigger problem is you. Your husband clearly sucks but you are enabling him. You act like him playing with the kids for a little bit in between working, naps, and being out all the time is being a good dad. You are accepting of him neglecting you. Tell me, how much of the housework does he do? How much of the parenting, the ACTUAL parenting? No, picking up your kid from activities isn’t good enough! No, picking up the milk or whatever from the store isn’t good enough! Are you serious about that? And for you, do you even remotely have a sex life between him being gone all the time and how completely and utterly exhausted you must be? You already said you have zero social life because you are picking up all the slack at home. You are in deep, deep denial and if it was just you I’d say, ok live your life. But it’s not just you. You have 4 kids at home, a baby for goodness sake! You have a responsibility to your children and if your husband is checked out then unfortunately you need to make hard decisions. They are watching this and thinking it’s normal. This is how they are going to learn relationships are and this is how they will expect to be treated, or treat their spouses. This has the potential to ruin your children’s ability to have healthy relationships. You need to get your head out of the sand and stop making excuses. See reality for what it is instead of telling bees who are trying to be honest with you that they are ‘being aggressive’ because you don’t want to hear it. I’m sorry, I’m really sorry that this is your reality but it shouldn’t be, and it is what it is because you have accepted it and aren’t pushing for the husband and father that you and your children deserve.
If this is an addiction issue there may be some hope if you stop enabling him, get yourself both into therapy, and learn to expect better for yourself. If this is just how he is, then you might want to consider moving on. After all, at this point he’s mostly just providing financially. I would want an actual HUSBAND and FATHER.
Uhh he is not staying out 6 nights a week from 7:30pm to 1-2 am, “drinking coffee” with his friends. If you believe that’s what he’s doing, I don’t know what else to tell you. Tracking be damned.
strawberrysakura : we do have a sex life but sometimes I don’t put in the effort and he gets annoyed because yes I get tired. And if I feel like someone is being aggressive on this site towards me I have a right to say it. 99% on the comments have not being aggressive towards me and have been honest like your message. I also got upset when that user said my feelings were irrelevant because I really think that they do matter because what affects me affects my kids ..so I’d people are concerned about the kids they should be concerned about me also. So in my opinion it was rude and it came across aggressive. Just because people have an opinion doesn’t mean that they are right. That’s what it is just an opinion. I really do appreciate your message because you took the time to break down everything and try to understand Thankyou for that.
My kids go to a tutoring class for gifted kids once a week for 2 hours ( they learn what they should know plus what is coming in the next year) and both of my kids as a result are on top not only of their whole class but their whole grade. I am a PhD graduate and my husband has a bachelor degree and Im really proud of my kids because We put so much work into them and education is something I have so much knowledge about and other parents come to me to ask advice on this topic so I have this area covered Thankyou.
It’s something they chose to do and I support it as they are on top of their class and their whole grade at school.
he did stay at home all night last night because I asked him to. I just don’t like him going out so much during the week. He asked me to not nudge him to go out (on the odd occasion I support it) so I said I will definitely not nudge him to go out every again.
donatachi : he told you he leaves you alone with the kids 6 nights a week because he thinks you need space since you get angry from the stress of the kids?
Bee, please think that through! Please tell me that you can see how this logic is complete and total crap!
If my husband finds that I am stressed out in any situation, his response is not to give himself a break from my stress by taking off and socializing with friends while I am left stuck in the very environment that stressed me out to begin with. His response is to take some, or even all of the load from me if he can. And if he isn’t able to carry the load for me, then he pitches in and supports me in other ways.
If I have a tough week at work, he’ll pick up something for dinner so I don’t have to cook. He’ll do MY share of household chores as well as his so I don’t have to worry about it. He gasses up my car in the evening so I can save 5 minutes by not having to stop on the way to work. He makes coffee so it’s ready when I wake up.
He does these things because he loves me and we are a team. And I do the same for him. We work together to tackle life’s challenges because that’s what marriage is supposed to be.
It sounds like your husband is, at the very least, a very selfish man. All he cares about is his own pleasure. He doesn’t care that you are overwhelmed and overworked and tired from taking care of EVERYTHING on the home front. All he cares about is how your stress affects him.
He doesn’t like that you tell him you’re tired? Then he needs to get off his ass and help you with the children you BOTH created so you can get 5 damn minutes to rest. He’s bothered that you are not interested in sex? Let him know you find men who aren’t selfish pigs very sexy.
Honest to god, bee! I am so angry for you. I think if your husband were standing in front of me right now I would have to smack him right up side of his thick skull and tell him to stop treating you like the hired help.
Goirishgrl : lol yes there are times that I want to smack him up the skull too. I do agree with everything you said l. I have made an effort yesterday and today to put my foot down and he did stay home alL of last night and helped with the kids in the afternoon. I will Make him do a lot of other things. He does thing like gas up my car and he does buy me coffee and presents unexpectedly. He’s good with those things.
i have Received your message loud and clear. I just need to be more firm. He did tell me last night he can see how he has been bad by not being with me at night and being in the house so that’s a good step I just need to be consistent with being firm and see how that goes
donatachi : I’m glad to hear you were clear with him about what you need. I hope you stay vigilant and not let him slide back into his selfish ways.
I would also suggest that you insist that you get one night a week to go out and find a social life of your own. You needs friends and a supoort system outside of the home and he ought to be able to hold down the fort for 3 or 4 hours while you do that.
Goirishgrl : yeh he does have some selfish ways..I think because I get tired I start to not care but I will try from now on to speak my mind and be firm. Yes you addressed another problem I don’t have a support system. All of my family and friends are 4 hours away. I e had baby after baby and not really had time to meet people but I will make more of an effort on this. My family have also told me I need to have more friends. I can see what problems need to be fixed I’ll try to work on them