Frustrated…

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
1120 posts
Bumble bee

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pinkglitter2017 :  If it’s within your budget, hiring a matchmaker is worth considering. 

Also, you could expand your online search to locations you wouldn’t mind moving.

Post # 62
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee

Honestly, OP, my partner was single for 9 years before he met me on Twitter. I’ve done the online dating thing (met a guy who literally just talked about his finance degree and basically just whined about “slutty” women all of the date. Very attractive. NOT.) and it can feel a bit dejecting at times but stick it out. You may find someone on an online dating place, you may find someone randomly on the street or at work. But you should be enjoying yourself now too. If you wanna move, move. Friendships can be hard to leave behind but in 2020 folks are never more than a text away.

Or maybe just go away for a weekend adventure by yourself to a new city. Who knows?

Post # 64
Member
1300 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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pinkglitter2017 :  when I got back into the dating world after a bad breakup I took time during that break to really focus on myself. I wanted to make sure that I was making a good first impression on my dates so I read the book Have him at Hello. It was AMAZING. It really helped me adjust how I was coming across on first dates and helped me correct some behaviors I didn’t like about myself such as being a “chaser”. A few bad relationships had made me desperate and in mode where I was chasing men. The book helped me fix that. 

I met my now husband on bumble when I was 33 and we are married with our first baby on the way at 35. So please don’t give up. Husbands coworker is married with 2 kids and they met on tinder, coworker met her fiancé on Ok Cupid. 

I know it sucks, I hated dating. But you just gotta keep at it. If you really feel that the culture which you are living in isn’t a good fit for your goals then consider moving. Adjusting expectations helps too. I never thought I would marry a guy who was divorced but in reality it didn’t mean much. They weren’t a good fit, were married under a year and had no kids. It means nothing in the grand scheme of things. And don’t cut yourself off from dates where you think from their photos that they aren’t really that attractive. My husbands profile was ok but in person omg. He has the kindest eyes and an amazing smile. Handsome in person but his photos had me on the fence. Oh and height is so stupid. Husband is my height at 5’5 and him not being tall doesn’t matter at all. So make sure your search settings aren’t cutting out tons of guys based on height. 

Post # 66
Member
287 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2020

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littlebuzz :  I was only looking for guys who were 30-37 yo and it’s the age most good men have been snapped lol so it wasn’t easy for me and I had pretty high expecations too 

Post # 67
Member
1351 posts
Bumble bee

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tess90 :  it’s significantly easier because you were 24, regardless of the age of man you were looking for. 

That being said, I’m beginning to believe OP isn’t doing herself any favours with her criteria and attitude. 

Post # 68
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

If you’re willing to spend money on a matchmaker I would suggest paying for Eharmony ! I found my husband on there. I like that it is a bit pricey because then you know that the men who are on there are more serious about finding an actual relationship. 

Also next time some cute guys at a restaurant show interest (or at any other time!) go over and say hi! Why didn’t you ?? Seems like a missed opportunity ! 

Post # 69
Member
287 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2020

The funny thing about dating websites my husband told me – men take them not as serious as women and I’ve heard a lot of men say that (I am not praising them for such attitude). Some women are biased about Tinder thinking it’s a hook up website but I’ve heard from several high level executives and businessmen that they just didn’t have time to fill in all the lenghy questioniianires or didn’t want to look desperate. Women are more detailed like that and I’ve noticed it especially using ok cupid. It’s meant for people to fill in lengthy questionnaires that most men avoid. I presonally loved them but do you really need to know what do you prefer to eat – arugula or kale salad (yes, it was a legit quesiton) My SO said that he was against all the websites until his friend told him that tinder only took 5 min to register (back then). He wasn’t looking for a hook up but a only committed realtionship like me – my single line in Tinder said – no hookups lol and all of my photos were not of a wh*** who is partying all the time (like some women want to portray themselves for some reason) but mostly unedited photos of my face, very natural and I attracted a lot of serious men including my SO with just a few. exceptions  So you have to be smart about it….what are you putting out there, I am not assuming anything, just judging by what I’ve seen all these years my friends do (uploading edited photos in their sexiest outfits or photos of them doing things they actually barely do like water skiing once in a lifetime) I found my SO on Tinder and we’ve been together for many years. However, I agree that if a guy is paying for a website such as Match and Eharmony he must be even more serious but I don’t know anyone younger than 45 who met anyone there. My dating pool could have been bigger but I set very strict restrictions on a lot of websties of who can contact me so…I  reiterate it wasn’t easy. I know girls who are waaay yonger that I am struggling to meet anyobe for years and girls who are older easily finding someone. It doesn’t always have to do with age. I am almost 30 now and I haven’t seen any decrease in interest from men even though I am engaged/about to get married. I would even say – some men in North America prefer women older, more mature and women their age unlike in Europe and other places where men are looking to date someone way yonger. 

Websties my friends and I liked: Tinder (don’t be scared ot it just be smart!), Hinge (the only problem you might be dating friend of a friend, and I was never a huge fan of it for some reason), OkCupid (very detiailed), POF and lots of my friends loved Bumble. 

It also depends on the city where you live. Some citis have undoubtedly better selections than others. I moved around a lot so I know what I am talking about. I know a friend who moved cities to find someone.

As for going out part, try watching Engaged at Any Age, my friend who is 45 loved Jaki. She gives some solid advice. Yes, you could be going out a lot but you could be going to the same place all the time. You have to try new things, change locations etc…If something doesn’t work, try something else. I mean you are clearly worried about this situation, if you made a post about it on w wedding forum so keep trying. Trust me it will be SO worth it.

I almost missed the date with my SO. I relaly didn’t want to go and now I am the happiest girl  ever. Who knew – it was a Tinder date! I know some people who lied about meeting someone online or on Tinder, just to avoid judgement…Just saying

 

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littlebuzz :  

Post # 71
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee

OP

I’ve referred  my clients to a matchmaker ( I’m in the US). The person we use has approximately 3,000+ singles in their database. The first consult is free. They’ll interview you to narrow down what you want/what you’re looking for, and will give  you advice on dating profiles etc. The best part about them is that you aren’t obligated to be their client but you can opt to be put in their database. Unless you’re a paying client (which runs approximately 12,000+ USD), you don’t have access to the database for yourself. However, if the matchmaker has a client they believe will match well with you (regardless if they’re a paying or non paying customer), they offer to set up a date for you.

Because your criteria is narrow (Ie. a person who is a transplant like yourself that isn’t “foreign”, has good looks, no kids, never married, highly educated, doesn’t smoke, wants marriage, etc.), a matchmaker might be your best bet. You wouldn’t have to do all the work and who knows, maybe they’ll be able to filter out people faster for you. 

Another Avenue: if you live in Quebec, I assume that there are meetups geared toward singles. Why not attend a few? Worst case scenario, you don’t find someone (which is pretty much where you are now), best case, you find a match.

Post # 72
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee

Have you met potential men/gotten dates from your activities/work and going out? I was in 2 serious, long term relationships almost back to back… I was married for most of my 20s, and then jumped too quickly into a relationship after that that lasted 2 years with a guy I had known for a long time. So I didn’t feel I traditionally “dated,” ever really. So when I found myself single again I really put seeking out a new relationship on the backburner for a while and focused on work and family.

After a while I decided to give online dating a try. 2 of my friends had found their partners this way, so I thought why not. It was new territory for me. It didn’t go so great. Encountered many of the “weirdos” as many have mentioned lol But did find a connection with one guy, we talked on the phone and texted a lot, and went on a few dates. He wanted to move faster than I did and was actually upset at me if I didn’t want to see him more than once a week, that I “obviously wasn’t committed enough” if I didn’t. Then I found out he lied about some really key things on his profile/life. Said some really nasty things to me. So we parted ways. This completely turned me off to online dating and honestly scared me, and made me feel like maybe I wasn’t ready for dating. So I gave up, and truly felt hopeless, that I’d never find someone, I was too old etc. 

I actually wasn’t doing much socially at the time like you are, I was new to the area at the time and kept to myself mostly. I had strongly considered moving to my hometown to be near my longtime friends, so didn’t feel like i should put any roots down and didn’t try at all. And yet when you are around people a lot, no matter how closed off you are, oftentimes you just naturally start connecting to people. My coworkers became my friends, and through fairly benign interaction at first, I started forming a connection with a male coworker. He asked for my number, we went on a few dates, and the rest is history. 2 and a half years later we just got married and are TTC ๐Ÿ™‚ I would have NEVER saw this coming. I was so closed off that I didn’t even realize the value in the people around me.

Point is, you just never know what avenue you could find your future partner. Lots of people have success with online dating. Some don’t. I say you can keep putting energy into online dating, but also don’t forget to keep your eyes peeled for the men you encounter in real life. See if there are any connections there. When you meet organically you can get a feel for who they are and weed out the “weirdos” so much easier because you know them in a real non-digital environment, and have common interests if you meet doing a certain activity in a club/meet up type setting.

 

 

Post # 75
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee

I meant more like an activity club, HOWEVER even though I’d generally agree with you about the feeling of meeting guys at a bar/club being not so lucrative, I wouldn’t totally write it off. I swear I frequently hear people who sheepishly answer the question “how did you two meet?” with “at a bar, can you believe that??” because they themselves also had the opinion that meeting in such a way was shallow or impossible. So… you never know! Just think, YOU are wanting something with substance and still frequent bars/clubs with your friends, so there has got to be men that also want something of substance and frequent those bars/ clubs as well! YOu just weed them out like you would with online dating or any other dating situation. You truly never know the prospects.

How did you meet the men that you had the 2 relationships with?

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