Frustrated…

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 77
Member
395 posts
Helper bee

I was 31 when I met my now-husband on Match.com. He was 36. We got engaged when I was 33, married just before I turned 34 – I turn 37 on Saturday and we now have 3 kids. The month before I met him, my little sister was living with me for a month while she did an internship in my city. Something about that month made me say fuck it – I had a great job, great friends, I made good money and traveled all the time. I was happy EXCEPT from my obsessive quest for “the one.” I had this weird epiphany that my life was enough as it was and I wasn’t going to focus and fixate on finding a partner anymore. I really think the change in mindset is what made me ready to meet my now-husband. 

Internet dating sucks 99 dates out of 100 online dating sucks, but that 1 out of 100 can be just what you need. 

Post # 78
Member
2185 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

It is totally doable even if it doesn’t seem like it right now. I met my husband at age 38 on Match. I was divorced, no kids. He was 39, never married, no kids. He had been in several long-term relationships (the last one for 11 years), but never married. However, he had no problems with marriage and we are very happily married now. They are out there.

Post # 80
Member
80 posts
Worker bee

Just wanted to say I’m currently single too, so I feel your pain. It can be rough out there. I definitely thought I’d be married by now, but life doesn’t always go according to schedule and I’ve had to kind of throw out that internal “time line” we all think things will happen by. Also.. it helps me to look back on past relationships/dates and realize the bullets I’ve dodged. haha

I’m no expert with online dating, but I do know people with success stories from eHarmony, Match, coffeemeetsbagel (hadn’t heard of that one but it worked for my cousin), etc. so it does happen. In contrast, one of my best friends had an absolute terrible time online dating, but she honestly was choosing mostly based off looks/surface level stuff and also went in expecting them to be really impressed with her own looks/grad degree, etc. so I think how you approach it and what you are really expecting is extremely important. As she found out, going about it the way she did (surface level) just attracts assholes and guys who aren’t serious. What I’ve learned dating in general: if the guy isn’t someone you’d genuinely want to be friends with and isn’t openly looking for the same thing as you, it’s probably a waste of time.

Post # 81
Member
15 posts
Newbee

Just another success story that I hope will be encouraging. I had several deeply problematic relationships in my early 20s, and then I just decided to be celibate and single for about four years. In my early 30s it became clear that I have PTSD, and I started to get appropriate treatment. From 31 to 36 I had four relationships that were pretty clearly doomed, since I just wasn’t that good at picking partners. I got better and better, and then my last boyfriend turned out to be living something of a double life. That super painful experience made me re-examine my role in keeping that relationship going. It helped me get really clear on what I wanted in a relationship, namely high compatibility and a desire for a long-term relationship/marriage, and a deep sense of a shared life. I wanted to build a future with someone. I got back on okcupid when I was 35, and I found my now fiancé. He is exactly who I was looking for, and we have the healthiest, strongest, happiest relationship I can imagine.

I think online dating is daunting, but it’s a useful tool if you have a hard time meeting new people. My advice is to be clear about what you want in a relationship, and look for people who want the same thing. Message a few people at a time so that you aren’t juggling so many that you can’t really give your attention to any of them. Talk/chat a little bit, but quickly move to an in-person meeting. It’s easier to assess attractiveness and chemistry in person, and there’s no point in spending weeks and weeks chatting with someone and building up an image of who you want them to be. I think online dating is best thought of as a tool to meet new people, not as a way of dating people; find them online, but then date them in person as you would if you had found them in person. When you’re chatting, ask yourself if you think you could enjoy a cup of coffee (or whatever) with them. If so, have that cup of coffee. Then ask yourself if you could enjoy dinner and a movie with them, or whatever type of date you like. My point is just take things step by step, rather than asking yourself whether you can imagine having a long-term relationship or a marriage with someone when you don’t know them yet. Expect to meet new people who you ultimately won’t want to have a relationship with, and don’t view that as a failure. If you meet someone and realize they’re not the right person for you, that is a success, because the real goal is just to make that kind of determination. Ultimately your goal is marriage, but you’re immediate goal is just to figure out who you want to get to know better and who you don’t. Give people a chance, but don’t hesitate to move on if you’re not compatible or if you’re seeing red flags.

Good luck ๐Ÿ’œ

Post # 82
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

Are you in NYC by any chance? I am also 33 and single – maybe we could try a speed dating thing together? Haha!

Post # 85
Member
792 posts
Busy bee

 

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pinkglitter2017 :  I am in Canada too. Toronto. I know what you are saying about MTL and single moms.

I have heard from fellow Canadians about ‘match.com’ to be a good place. I made a profile on it but if you have to do ANYTHING, you need to pay! I am a bit reluctant right now as I am not sure if I really want to plunge in to the dating scene now or wait a little bit. But give that a try if you are prepared to spend some money.

I personally know someone who met someone on that site and that was approximately 3 years ago. They JUST bought a house and got a mortgage together and moving in this month! Blended families.

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