Post # 1
DH and I cannot agree on a baby timeline! I would like to start trying like today…..but would realistically be alright with 6 months. DH can’t give ANY sort of timeline other than “it won’t be forever” and “I’ll know when I’m ready”. I obviously want him to be ready but I don’t want to wait for too long. I’m 27, he’s 28 and we both have full-time jobs.
It seems like any time we talk about this issue it ends up with one or both of us frustrated. He wants us to have “more money” but can’t give me a set amount. He can’t even give me anything resembling a timeline because he doesn’t know how he’ll feel in 6 months or a year. He knows he wants kids but just doesn’t feel ready.
Meanwhile, I’m starting to feel resentful toward him because I’m frustrated with waiting on him. He tends to procrastinate things and I worry that having a baby will just keep getting pushed back and pushed back.
Post # 3
I have always heard you will never have enough money to have a baby! Obviously, being stable is good, which it sounds like you are, so thats a good step. Maybe lay off the pressure for a month or two and see how it goes? I know thats easier said than done…He didn’t give any other reasons why he would not be ready right now? …or anything else you can think of that he has not specifically said…I know my DH is really nervous now that I am pregnant, because he doesnt want to be a failure financially…(even though he has a job)….so maybe hes just nervous about it right now, and he will come around (hopefully!)
Post # 4
@Treasure43: I totally empathize! I went through the same thing with my DH! It’s SO hard not to feel resentful when the person you love is stopping you from having something you really, really, want. My DH is thankfully now feeling ready, but I’m not sure what took place in his mind that got him there… he initially wasn’t ready despite having a house, cars paid off, good savings, good job. I think he just needed time to wrap his head around having our life change and being responsible for a baby. (Even though we’ve only been married for a few months, we’ve been together almost 5 years and living together much of that time).
I think it might also have helped for us to spend time around friends of ours that have babies. I think also talking to him about how age could affect fertility and how waiting too long could end up costing more (i.e., because of fertility tx), since I’m almost 34 and want 2-3 kids. It took him forever to really listen to me about that – for the longest time he thought I was just being a worrywart – he really felt that LOTS of women have babies in their early 40s with no intervention and that is just not the case. I think it also helped that I pushed and pushed for a dog and once we got her, we were both completely in love with her… I think he saw that we made a good team taking care of her and that she brought a lot of joy to our lives… not that a pet and a baby are anywhere near the same, but I think he saw that sometimes more work and more money is worth it. Also, he seemed super interested in getting a tax deduction, lol!
Post # 5
I know everyone says you can’t be “ready” to have a baby (which is true, I think), but you can be prepared. How much are daycare costs in the area? On average, how much will diapers and formula (if you aren’t breast feeding) run? What about other emergency expenses? Will you have health insurance for the baby? My FI and I have decided that we need about $1,000 a month minimum of extra disposable income before starting a family (which unfortunately puts pressure on him to get a raise, since I am a teacher). We can’t count on bonuses as part of this income. Do you think he isn’t ready because of finances alone, or do you think emotions may be involved too? I agree with you on not wanting to wait forever, and it is hard when you feel ready right now–we are getting closer and closer to that point. People keep asking us when we are having kids, and we aren’t even married yet! I keep telling them, we will when we have the disposable income. Then they respond with, “Don’t worry, it all works out.” Well, it doesn’t just “work out” unless they want to give me a grand every month to care for a child. Daycare prices are freakin’ ridiculous, which makes sense since you are paying for someone else to raise your child, but hard to fathom when we both have massive student loans.
Post # 6
I went through something very similar with my DH. Here’s what I did help move him in the right direction.
I picked a date to start TTC about 9 months out. I told him that I wanted to start tying on that date. Then I explained to him that it takes an average healthy couple 4-8 months to conceive. After that, it takes the baby 10 months to cook. So even though I think we should start TTC in 9 months, we won’t actually have the baby for another year to 1.5 years after that date, essentially 2 years from now. I said “in 2 years, do you think you’ll be in a place that you’ll feel comfortable financially/emotionally/careerwise to have a child?
That really helped “ease” him into the process. I think sometimes guys hear “TTC” and they think “bamn, baby!” It’s really a long journey….
Post # 7
@Treasure43: I agree with 78h20 in getting your DH around babies. My FH was hesitant on trying for babies after we marry in May until he recently spent time with one of his friend’s 15 month old babies. He fell in love with that baby and played with it a good part of the eveing. On the ride home, he commented that maybe having a baby sooner rather than later would not be so bad.:D
Post # 8
I did the same thing CanAMBride did, and explaining it that way to DH made it easier for him to be on board. Men feel a lot of pressure when it comes to having a family and all that responsibility of supporting it–they like to have their ducks in a row, even though life just doesn’t work the way we plan usually. They also just don’t usually have that pull that we do when it comes to all of a sudden wanting a baby yesterday. Giving my hubby the stats and reminding him it would be 1-2 years before we actually HAD the baby helped, and sure enough, it took us 8 months to conceive and then of course the 10 months to let the baby cook (currently in month 7). Good luck!