Post # 1
My brother is in Iraq, but part of me hoped my SIL would decide it was important to be at the wedding. I get frustrated with her, because she always puts our family (my brother’s) last in everything.
She wants children BAD, and I get that. There is a very, very slight chance they could get a baby to adopt in August. (they haven’t heard anything from the birth mother for the last 4 months, and their friend who was the social worker has been removed from the case) The baby is due the 2nd week of Aug, our wedding is August 1. If she gets the call, its just as easy to hop a flight to PA from CA as it is from TX. She isn’t coming to the wedding. I really didn’t think she’d come anyway, its just not a priority to her.
Instead of sending me a sweet e-mail about how cute the invites are, and she wishes she could be here with us, she says "Got the invitation – Unless I hear a definite "no" on the PA adoption possibility, I’m keeping the first couple weeks in August open to fly to PA if it works on I am pissed! She sent me the message on Facebook, for everyone to see.
I expected her not to come, but its the way she told me. I am also tired of trying to be nice to her, when she gets defensive and upset with me when I try to lighten things up. Its tiring to not be able to be friends with her!
I wish we could have some kind of relationship, but I don’t even know where to start. I just needed to vent a little, and if anyone has suggestions on how to deal with family like this, suggestions would be great!
Post # 3
Yeah, that sounds pretty insensitive. But I would just take the higher road and still be nice. She sounds like she’s dealing with a lot. Good luck!
Post # 4
Some women are just straight forward, and she’s got a baby on the mind- plus a lot on her plate. Your wedding is very important to you, but that baby is important to her- and she wants to be ready. She also may not feel comfortable attending the wedding alone.
I personally would let the facebook thing go, she didn’t give away any deeply personal information- and if you don’t want people to communicate with you via facebook, close your account.
Post # 5
I have four sisters that I have written about on here multiple times. I love them because they are my sisters, but they can be really self-involved, selfish, and rude sometimes. For some reason I thought this was going to change for my wedding; it didn’t.
One of my sisters is in the Air Force and was stationed in Iraq until just a few weeks before our wedding. At one point, we didn’t think she was going to even make it to the wedding because of her deployment schedule. When we realized that she was going to be back in time, she started making up excuses about why she might not be able to make it. In emails that went to all of my immediate family, she said 1) she didn’t have the money for a plane ticket (even though she paid for one of my other sister’s plane tickets). 2) she was going to be SO busy when she got back into the states with bbq’s, parties, and trying to find a place to live that she couldn’t make it. 3) she said that she would come but told us she’d rather go to McDonald’s before the reception because she didn’t like our meal choices. Basically, what happened was that she showed up to the wedding but was selfish, self-involved, and rude during the whole thing. And she disappeared in the middle of the reception to go to McDonald’s; she missed all of the toasts and introductions and everything.
I guess my point is that it sucks that your SIL is acting like this, but it would be in your best interest to just accept her behavior and move on. I really wish I hadn’t spent so much time worrying about what my sister’s behavior would be like at the wedding, because she acted exactly like I thought she would! Imo, it’s better to acknowledge her selfishness now than to expect her to change and then be disappointed. If she wants to be left out of the wedding, leave her out. Email her back saying, "Thanks for letting my know your RSVP immediately. I appreciate the quick response." and leave it at that! She doesn’t want to be involved, she doesn’t have to. But that also means she doesn’t need information or updates on what is going on in your life or with the wedding It’s her decision to be disinterested, and you do not have to try to get her involved if she continuously blows you off. At the same time, relationships are a two-way street. And if she isn’t willing to put in the effort, why should you?
I’m going to add that I’m a little vindictive. If she calls last minute to say "Oh, I can suddenly make it" I would say no. I wish I would have done this with my sister.
Post # 6
@ mrs. spring, I actually sent her an IM this morning telling her to send back the response card with a "no" and if things change, I can always add her. We’re getting married at my dad’s house, so its not like I can say no, lol! I don’t really expect her to be involved, and I know she would be fine if she was here, I just want her to WANT to be here. I think I am more upset about the way she told me no than anything else. I am trying to let it go, and realize that our wedding is going to be small and intimate, and the ppl who want to be there will be, but sometimes, that’s hard to do!
Post # 7
I totally understand, sea otter. It sucks having family members who you would really love to have involved that just aren’t interested. I really feel for you. And I definitely get why you would still be upset about her mode of response. I would be hurt too!
I think it’s pretty obvious that I haven’t been able to accomplish what I suggested you do. It’s been three weeks since my wedding, and I’m still upset! I’m trying to just come to terms with the fact that my sister (all my sisters, really) aren’t willing to reciprocate the time and energy I have put into the realtionship. Their actions are hurtful, but I just try to remind myself that they are who they are. I can’t change them, but I can definitely change I feel about them and how I react to their actions.
Your wedding is going to be such an incredible, beautiful day. And hopefully you can come to terms with your SIL before the wedding so that you can really concentrate on the perfect, wonderful moments instead of the disappointments. Anyway, at the very least you can always come back and vent to the Hive! It helps to have a lot of supportive people understand where you’re coming from. 🙂
Post # 8
Sorry, you two don’t have a good relationship. It sounds like she is preoccupied right now. Why she used facebook, I couldn’t say. Some people don’t get it. Or she’s so caught up, the it didn’t catch her radar. She sounds a bit self centered right now. I can’t completely throw her under the bus, having her husband off in Iraq, and waiting to hear on a baby (alone), is tough stuff to deal with. Not to mention probably trying to deal with some infertility issues. I don’t have experience with that. But I know some couples really struggle with it.
But it sounds like you two maybe wouldn’t hit it off as friends too well anyway… Maybe you’ll find she mellows out after she gets a baby.
If you can try to let it go, that would be great. Enjoy this time right now. Don’t let a SIL ruin that.