- 4 years ago
Oh, my fellow Waiting Bees, the past few months seem to have been pretty difficult for me, as it probably has a lot of us. I had hope it would be Christmas, then maybe New Year’s, then our anniversary, and now Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. So it’s been hard not to obsess.
After New Year’s came and went, our anniversary followed about 3 weeks later. I’ve mentioned that my SO makes comments about it being “soon” fairly often, only to sprinkle in very negative remarks about marriage and babies, which leaves me guessing all the time. But he does things so often that make me think it’s thisclose.
When our anniversary was upon us, I thought it was coming again. I would get home from work and he was messing around on his computer in a private way, with headphones in a corner where he doesn’t usually work. He said something about making a slideshow a few times. I didn’t really comment because I don’t want to ruin a surprise. Then for a few weeks he started to pick up my ukulele and was learning to play it. Always playing Paul McCartney’s “Calico Skies”, which is the song I’ve told him I’d love to dance to at my wedding. He’s made comments in the past few weeks like “I know what you want, and it’s coming, girl”. But we made no anniversary plans, and we didn’t really celebrate last year, so I didn’t want to do something over the top to be disappointed. I got him really cute card instead, and when I gave it to him he almost acted like he didn’t want to open it because he did nothing for me. So yeah, all those hints…ugh, I don’t feel like I’m imagining these things.
I didn’t want to have that timeline talk until after I was pretty sure he wasn’t planning anything, cause I don’t want to ruin it. So I decided to talk to him last night. I wanted him to know that his words and actions don’t seem in line to me, I tried to tell him how I felt about my timeline. I’m almost 32 now and I really feel that biological clock ticking. I’ve put deadlines on things that may not seem fair, but I don’t want to be 60 before my kids leave the house!
Well, it all blew up in my face. I got no answers as far as a timeline, it just turned into a big fight because a hundred other things got brought up and it seemed he focused on those things instead of the main issue. He still said he wants me and only me, that he would do whatever it takes to get us out of this. He asked what he could do RIGHT NOW to make it better. I wanted to tell him to just marry me so we can start working on a family and all our future plans, but how could I say such a thing? I want him to do it because he wants to, not because I forced his hand.
I’ve been in such a funk. Obsessing. Crying. Running worst case scenarios in my head, frustrated that I can’t move forward. I’m just tired of feeling like I’m waiting for my life to start. I have no more answers than before trying to talk and certainly can’t try to bring this up again any time soon. It feels so good to vent here, especially after a few months of trying not to say a single word. For that, I thank all you lovely Bees. But what else can I do now? We’ve been snowed in for what feels like forever, so getting out of the house and active in other things feels impossible. I don’t know how I can get through a few more months of living in my own head! Any thoughts?
Thank you all so much!