(Closed) Frustrated in Florida

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 3
87 posts
Worker bee

Hmm.  Since you’re doing all the planning, do you think your mom would be willing to just give you a set amount of money for you to use toward the wedding, and then stay out of it?  She’s free to do what she wants with her money, but maybe you could talk her into just giving you what she’d be paying anyway, and then you can do whatever you want with it.

Honestly, you sound really hopeless and unhappy.  And this is your wedding, hopefully you will only have one, and I think you have the right to have the wedding you want.  What you’re asking of your mom is not unreasonable, and you’ve offered to offset any financial strain having the band you want would cause.  But, you can’t force her to pay for exactly the wedding you want.  I would try talking to her again, tell her that you don’t think you’re being unreasonable and express to her how important certain things, like the band, are.  Try to appeal to her maternal instinct and remind her that you’re offering very good solutions to the budget issue, with paying for the difference and/or cutting back in other areas.  You didn’t say why she was opposed to the band you want, but maybe you could try to dissuade her from whatever her objection is.

And finally, as a last resort, one solution could be to do it all yourself.  I don’t know if you can have what you want without her financial contribution, but one option would be to talk to her, say you’re grateful for her generosity but there are certain things that are really important to you.  If she’s not willing to work with you (within the budget she gave you), then you’d rather go it alone.  Giver her back any money she’s given you, tell her she can contribute whatever she’d like but that if she does, you’re going to use the money the way you want.   Tell her also that if she wants to do X, Y or Z that are above the budget that you can afford, she’s welcome to pay for that herself.  (unless it’s something totally awful.)  This might not be possible, for example if you’ve already put down payments and can’t afford it without her.  But if you were able to be financially independent with the wedding, you wouldn’t have to deal as much with unreasonable demands.

Good luck!

Post # 4
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

sorry about this…i had a somewhat similiar situation, BUT, my parents aren’t financing our wedding, so i eliminated the stress and drama by simply not telling her stuff.

 perhaps you could apply this method to your planning…..simply make your decisions and inform her after the fact. as long as you stay withi budget, you should be fine. not sure if your culture or relationship would allow this, but this has worked the best for me. my mother didnt like my idea.s..felt that i was being "unreasonable’. i seriously think she was projecting many of her issues onto me. i dont understand whats unreasonable about wanting a manageable guest list that you can afford…but i digress.

the less your mother knows, the less she can harrass you. i’ve been engaged for 5 months with 5 more to go and ever since i shut up about what i wanted and planned to do, dealing with my mother has improved 100 fold.

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