Frustrated Newlywed…Sex

posted 2 months ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
3426 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

It’s going to take you awhile to reach a point where you’ve both learned about your body and your sexuality and what you need in order to have an orgasm. Most women are not going to have an orgasm the first time they have sex. I think for me personally there was at least a few months or a year after I had sex for the first time, before I ever had an orgasm with a partner. 

As far as what you’re saying about your husband – the vast majority of women do not orgasm from vaginal penetration. So it really shouldn’t matter when he ejaculates. He definitely doesn’t need viagra for what you’re talking about here. 

You need clitoral stimulation. If you’ve never explored that on your own, please do. Get to know your body. Talk to him about what feels good and what doesn’t. Rather than expecting him to last longer, what you probably need is a greater time in between the beginning of the sexual encounter and penetration. 

Use lube if you aren’t already. And please don’t expect yourself to have an orgasm at the same time he does. If he finishes before you, that’s fine and normal. Doesn’t mean the show’s over.

What you’re talking about is 100% normal. I know it is frustrating, but neither of you should be frustrated with your bodies right now. And Viagra is not the answer that’s going to cause you to orgasm! 

Post # 3
2855 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

There is this myth that is a man bangs away at a woman for long enough she will have some earth shattering orgasm. Sure that happens for some women, but the majority of us need a bit of foreplay and cliteral stimulation. 

I suggest you figure out yourself what makes you orgasm and then teach your husband. Danyellow38 :  

Post # 4
813 posts
Busy bee

Danyellow38 :  Does he go down on you? Have him do that. There are many women who can’t orgasm from actual intercourse alone. 

Post # 7
813 posts
Busy bee

Danyellow38 :  As they said…the key is clitoral stimulation. You’re not going to orgasm by just laying there while he thrusts and thrusts (sorry to be vulgar)…you should get on top and have him stimulate your clitoris with his finger or have him go down on you before penetration happens. Or invest in a toy (which can be fun for both of you). 

Post # 8
1050 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Do you have experience masterbating? If so, similar concepts apply when you add a partner!

Post # 9
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2021 - City, State

It is worth asking the question, but are you on any medications like anti-depressants or anti-psychotics that might make orgasming more difficult? Certain meds like latuda and various SSRIs make orgasms more difficult and if that is the case, you may want to see your prescribing doctor about it if it really bothers you. Changing your meds so that you can get off is a valid reason by the way.

Other than that, I second what others say about clitoral stimulation and that it takes time to learn what works for both of you.

Post # 10
42 posts
  • Wedding: May 2020

Watch some porn… Pornhub has amateur porn that will give you a way better understanding of orgasms and different things you can do to achieve one.  If you don’t/haven’t try masturbating yourself. You need to know what you like. Also just relax… your not going to orgasm if your all stressed out. 


Also like others have said, it takes time to get used to one another. You both have to be open and honest about what you like, what you think you might like, and what you don’t like. I tell fiance flat out if i don’t like something. I might not do it right during, but i do it after… Just a casual “babe it feels so much better when you do xyz, i don’t really like when you did abc.” During I will try and move or squirm a bit to get into a better position. If I really really don’t like it during I will tell him during, but almost always I tell him what I do like during so he doesn’t get into his head. 

Post # 11
399 posts
Helper bee

I would just suggest time and getting to know each other’s bodies. You mentioned you were a virgin when you were married but not if you did “other stuff”. I think it took my first boyfriend and I about six months of sex before I had an orgasm. We were both virgins. We had a ton of fun, and I thought sex was fantastic. Fast-forward 11 years and a few partners, and sex has got SO MUCH BETTER. I keep learning things about my body. My advice would be not to fake it. I know friends who have faked it and then their partners have picked up on that cue and expected that action to be orgasm inducing regularly. 

Do you feel comfortable giving him feedback during? Not anything harsh, but if my partner is fingering/going down on me I may make “faster/slower/harder/lighter/bigger circles” comments. He was laughing last night because he knew I got close to finishing a few times, and would have finished if I hadn’t got him to change tempo, but I was trying to build up a really big orgasm. I should also mention this was post-sex. I had an orgasm from him going down on me during foreplay, and an orgasm during sex (me on top, him handling the clitoral stimulation). Just because he finishes doesn’t necessarily mean it’s over. Apparently I am greedy (but he loves it).

Post # 12
909 posts
Busy bee

Just wanted to chime in, here…first and foremost, sexual pleasure is completely subjective and extremely personal. What gets some people off, doesn’t work for others. While having your man try “going down” on you and clitoral play are great suggestions to try, do NOT feel disappointed if those don’t work for you, either. Personally, I’m not someone who really enjoys hands going down there. Just explore and experiment with each other and find out which things you personally like best—as always, communication is key. Take it slow, don’t underestimate the power of kisses. Y’all are new at this so it’s going to take time to learn about each other, and yourselves. 

Also, porn is generally scripted and fake, so I wouldn’t recommend watching it for educational purposes, lol. 

Post # 13
3789 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

This is totally normal OP, and it takes time to figure out each others bodies! If your Dh is done after he orgasms, make sure that you orgasm first (most of the time). If you haven’t explored your body at all, you’ll need to do that to figure out what feels best. If you’re not OK with doing that on your own (some people aren’t), you can make it a couples activity, but you touch yourself so you can make small changes to figure out what you need, then you can show your Darling Husband.

You’ll have to be patient with each other, but you’ll get there! Eventually you may find positions that allow you to orgasm from penetration, but that may take a while. If you’re on birth control, that could reduce sensation and make it harder for you to orgasm from just sex alone.

Get comfortable with foreplay! Foreplay is a woman’s best friend (most women, at least).  If you’re not against porn, you could try watching some amateur videos (i suggest amateur because it’s not a porn star acting & faking orgasms) to get ideas of what to try. But ultimately, there’s SO much more to sex than thrusting in and out haha. It’s just going to be a trial and error kind of thing. Best of luck and HAVE FUN!! This doesn’t have to be a high pressure situation!

Post # 14
9504 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Lord it took me years to figure out how to orgasm during actual sex. Slow your roll girl lol.

Post # 15
813 posts
Busy bee

I just want to say I agree with all the PP’s!! Sex is not a one-size fits all thing. You might not enjoy oral sex…or you might love it. You might not enjoy fingers being used just have to try it out and see. And yes!! what the PP said…it took me a long time to orgasm during sex. And some might not agree with this, but watching porn was/is enormously helpful for me in learning different techniques. But I agree with the “amateur” part..because that’s usually more realistic. You can find those on porn sites, but just keep in mind the ones with professional porn-stars is 9/10 NOT real and just acting. 

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