(Closed) Frustrated. SO gets so angry at video games.. ruining relationship.

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7291 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Before you guys pursue anything further ( marriage) I suggest he gets counseling and perhaps you guys together. You want to feel safe and confident in your relationship, not having lots of questions and complications.

Best of luck to you guys!

Post # 4
Member
166 posts
Blushing bee

I’m with the previous poster, he needs some counseling.  It would probably benefit if both of you sought pre-marriage counseling.  It sounds like he has an addiction to the games.  I don’t mean that kiddingly.  Seriously.  He needs to stop playing them if he can’t control himself when he doesn’t win.  He sounds really immature to me as well, which wouldn’t be unusual since he is only 22 years old.

Post # 5
Member
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Are you dating my ex? I think so and you need to get out. 

In all seriousness, marriage will not fix any problems that are in the relationship. It just makes hem worse.  

I am concerned about the anger issues.  What if you have kids and he’s playing his game and takes it out on the kid? Or worse the kid causes him to lose the round? 

I am also concerned about the disrespect to you.  Being angry is not an excuse. 

You said that you don’t want to live the rest of your life like this,  and that’s a good gut feeling, so you know what you need to do. 

Post # 6
Member
1636 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

addict

we perhaps will see him on worlds dumbest shoving a remote up his butt…  sorry to make light, but seriously, you will probably always be 2nd to this game, especially if he knows it bothers you and he is not taking steps to change it…  the rest of it is up to you.

My husband was like this when we first started dating, I told him it bothered me, I felt like he paid more attn to the computer than he did to me.  It took him a while and he eventually changed (now we been married for a long time).  But he took my feelings into consideration. 

 

good luck:( 

Post # 7
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

First of all, I’m sorry you have to deal with this. My fiancé used to be like this, though he definitely never took it out on me. I’m the more aggressive, outspoken one, so if he called me a bitch, you can bet there would be HELL. He used to get so pissed playing counter strike and his angry slamming and cursing would really put me on edge! I hated it. I’m not sure which argument made the difference, but the outbursts finally stopped. As for thing you can do together, are there any games you can play together? You might not be a gamer, but if you can find something to play together, you can replace his whatever-other-game-that-he-plays when you’re home. (p.s. I would have told him, in anger, that he may as well give up because he clearly sucks or else he wouldn’t always be losing. XD I know. I’m mean. D;)

Post # 8
Member
490 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I have to agree with everyone else when they suggest counseling for him and eventually, maybe you and him.  Being that connected to a game isn’t very healthy, especially if he takes the loss out on you or other objects.  I mean, they are just games.  I know he wants to be a professional, but I don’t hear of many of those.  If counseling doesn’t work, I would re-evaluate things.  I definitely wouldn’t get married or have kids until this is all worked out.  Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
973 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I agree this is about anger issues, and as you said probably from his treatment growing up.  This only has to do with video games because it’s his excuse to behave badly… when he fails… and in video games you will FAIL, it’s part of gaming and learning a game, the moves, where to go, what to do, etc (I play video games daily)!  It’s like he picked something to strive for that’s guaranteed to let him down and then he can behave badly and have an excuse.  Ok, there are some (not many) pro gamers, but they are the rarity.. and I have no doubt they still fail plenty… it’s the nature of gaming.  If it were all easy it wouldn’t be half as fun, when you learn what/when/how to do things to get through a game you feel like you accomplished something, because darn it you WORKED for it!

As some PP already said counseling would most likely be beneficial if it’s something he WANTS to work on.  I think not only is he a prime candidate for counselling but you are too, even if he doesn’t go you should or at least have a close friend/relative (someone you trust) or two to talk to deeply and seriously.  Your statement “It doesn’t hurt me to deal with this” hurts my heart, because it SHOULD hurt you to deal with it.  I don’t know if you’re just trying to be brave or think this is normal… but it’s NOT normal and you don’t have to be brave, you have a right to feel whatever you feel even if it’s something you choose to stick out and work on.

Post # 10
Member
391 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I’m a gamer…and the first question that came up on my mind was “what game was it?” because to me it depends on the type of game he’s playing. Some people rage over what I believe are legit reasons (imagine working 50 hours of playtime on something and boom delete or something awful).

I rarely get angry playing games, though. Maybe because I play a lot more “thinking” games. I suppose your Fiance is playing a shooter game? Those tend to be violent and the community isn’t always friendly. They typically troll you on their mics.

My Fiance sometimes get frustrated while playing with me on Diablo III. I rarely yell at him because I don’t have time to yell, too busy concentrating. But sometimes I do snap at him, kiddingly, with something witty or teasing. In the end, he seems to know when I’m wound up and comes over to hug and let me know that he doesn’t mean anything against me.

I don’t think your Fiance is doing that. People get passionate about video games but before we call out addiction, how many hours does he play each day? Maybe he just needs another hobby. It can be aggressively unhealthy. Pull him away, go hiking, work out together, something.

And pro gamers get paid for it…so I’m not sure what he wants to be if that’s the case. Most competitions are…well…few and far between. Sure you could win $1000 but that’s just like being a competitive eater. You just can’t do it all the time. He might need to let that thought go.

Post # 11
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee

My SO also plays, and when he played fps type games he has loud outburts and curses, but NEVER at me, and he never expresses his anger in a physical way (breaking things, throwing things etc). I have told him it bothers me to be reading or surfing the internet and all of a suden a loud exclamation erupts, he is normally so calm and peaceful and gentle, and I didn’t like that someting so silly as a game could make him so angry and stressed. After we talked about it he switched to a different style of game and now he is happy when he plays 🙂 yay!

There are pro gamers out there, but in most cases, their careers are pretty short lived, and they don’t really pay that well, even some of the most well known ones still have to have second jobs bartending or somthing in order to pay the bills. Also when gaming become your job you are no longer playing for fun, it’s now something you HAVE to do, for work, and if he thinks his anger will get better once he “makes it”, I have to argue it will only get worse, because now the added stress of keeping up with your job requirements are compounded on top of everything else. Plus the gaming world changes often, he may be great at one game, but suck at another, it’s really hard to keep up with the constant changing atmosphere of that world. 

Just a few things to think about if you talk to him about it. 

On another note, I would be extremely concerned about the way he handles his anger. I believe you that he is great when not gaming, and that for now his anger is contained to when is is playing, like my SO. But the fact that it gets bad enough where he feels he has to hit something, or throw something, or the worst, take out on you (even only verbally, for now), is totally unacceptable. My SO would never ever disrespect me or take anything out on me, and that fact that he does, kinda worries me. 

I’m not telling you to break up with him, but I would think about your goals and priorities, and his, and how they line up. You are on the Bee, so I’m assuming you are hoping towards marriage, and a life together, and that kind of thing, but mostly only thinking about how to become a pro gamer. 

Lastly, anger issues aside, the uninstalling and installing, kind of points to some adictive behavior, that may manifest themselves in other, more destructive ways down the line. I think you need to look at the sittuation and ask yourself if you want to deal with this for the rest of your life, or if you want to find someone that will make you happier. 

good luck 🙂 

Post # 12
Member
2126 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Although there’s not an “ah-ha!” moment for everyone when they realize they found “the one” there really shouldn’t be serious reservations…such as…

you basically state you an’t see yourself dealing with this for the rest of your life. Well, then..that speaks volumes in of itself.

You can’t hope that he will change, or expect he will change when you have a family if he has no plans to change. I would worry he would resent you and the kids for taking away his gaming time.

I also feel like he has unrealistic expectations for his future. I myself have never met a “pro-gamer” in my entire life! How easy can that even be to get into? Does it even exist?? Don’t the people who develop the games work as testers?? I guess I”m taking what I know from the movie ‘grandma’s boy’ because I again, i have never met a pro-gamer and I know alot of geeks who love gaming.

Let’s see…he starts his first real job as an engineer on monday, so i’d see if this guy is even capable of holding a job and make my next move. If he quits so that he can work on his gaming skills you have a problem….if his gaming doesn’t decrease at all you have a problem…if his anger gets worse you have a problem….but in reality, you already have a huge problem because he’s disrespected you one too many times and clearly has anger issues.

I think you should thank your lucky stars you aren’t married yet and I think you do deserve better, but you have to really think long and hard about this…be honest withyourself dear.

I know many other wives who loath their husband’s video game playing,b ut there is never  any anger outbursts or damaging of property….they just get annoyed their husbands don’t spend more time with them.

Post # 13
Member
533 posts
Busy bee

Pro-gamer? Really? Get in line with every other nerd. My partner and I both play games, we co-op a lot. We both get angry when we die a lot, can’t finish a puzzle etc. But neither of us would get to that state your guy is in. He honestly needs help and I wouldn’t be putting up with his attitude.

What’s the game? As I was playing Diablo recently and the lag is killing the game…

Post # 14
Member
487 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My ex once punched me several times for beating him at a video game. He would regularly smash things up too – I had no internal doors in my home at one point because he’d smashed up every single one. This guy clearly has anger issues which need to resolved and FAST. Or it just gets worse, and if it’s not video games it’s something else.

It also sounds like he has addiction issues. He KNOWS how these games make him behave and how it makes you feel, to the point that he swears he won’t touch them again and yet a few days later he’s back on them and having outbursts again. He can’t seem to help himself.

If you’re feeling like this already, I think you can write him off as being “the one”. You’ve obviously got a very bright future ahead of you, and you don’t need someone like this holding you back or to live in constant fear that your possessions are going to be wrecked when he’s in a rage. Or that he might turn his temper on you one day. He needs help but that is not down to you, only he can help himself.

Post # 15
Member
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I think you should leave him… You are quite young and it is pretty clear that have very different priorities and goals- you want to be a doctor, he wants to play video games. Relationships that “worked” in college can quickly fall apart as people change a lot in the years after college. Also, the violence is not a good sign, you know this, Don’t saddle yourself to him in the hopes that he’ll change in the future. It is much easier to find someone who already shares your goals and interests than to change someone who doesn’t.

Post # 16
Member
308 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I’m a gamer myself, played Wow for years until recently and now Diablo 3.  Unless he is from South Korea and plays Starcraft where it is their like national sport I dont see his dreams coming true.  My ex boyfriend is a serious gamer in the “top guild” and was invited to Blizzcon and all of this stuff but never once was he paid for it.  His goals are to work at Blizzard and do game design and even that is not realistic.

He is also 22 fresh from college, he probably had all the time in the world to play and when Monday comes he is going to have a rude awakening.   If it is a full time job, he is going to want to come straight home from work and play….where does that leave you? 

I would not tolerate the personal attacks…there is a huge difference between being mad at the game (I totally yell profanities at my monitor) and me slamming my keyboard against the wall and calling my Fiance an asshole.  You’re way better than that and should never feel second.  

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