Post # 1
This is going to be a little bit long, so I apolgize but this is somethhing that has really, really been bothering me so I need to vent.
Over the holiday weekend, I caught up with a sorority sister of mine. We were very close for a while and have managed to stay in contact as our lives have changed. In fact, I was in her wedding in 2004.
I haven’t seen this friend since I got engaged and this was the 1st time she saw my ring in person, and not in a photo. So she askes to see my ring, I show it to her, and her first comment was, oh I thought it would look bigger in person. Honestly I was floored. It took me a good minute to pick my jaw up from the floor.
She then starts asking my about the carat weight of my ring and revealed thecarat weight of her ring. I played dumb and just said something along the lines of "Its biggest for me" or some other deflection method.
I know it seems like such a petty stupid comment, but this has really bothered me a lot. I haven’t really spoken to her since this occured. I don’t feel that its approprieate to bring it up. But I can’t help but feel like this has impacted our friendship in a negative way. I think the situation is made more difficult since she keeps bugging me about her ‘bridesmaids duties’ however, I’m only having my sisters. So I’m not sure what to do. Like I said, I feel like its really impacted our friendship, and its really made me NOT want to discuss anything wedding related with her. She was a good friend but I’m just super hurt by this.
So bees, how would you handle this?
Post # 3
Wow. I’ve heard stories about people doing this, but I honestly can’t understand why. Why do people even think it’s appropriate to comment on the carat/cost of another person’s ring — ESPECIALLY without invitation?! Ugh. So annoying.
Honestly? I would just let it go. If she brings it up again, head her off and start gushing about how much you LOVE your ring, and it’s just PERFECT, and if she persists, make a comment about how you think that bigger rings are so gaudy, blah blah blah, and maybe she’ll take the hint.
Post # 4
I can totally relate. I was talking to an old high school friend a few weeks ago and she was looking a picture of my ring that was on our wedding website. I asked her to send me a picture of her ring and she tells me that I "shouldn’t be offended, he did a REALLY good job." I sort of brushed it off at the time, but later I was like, WTF is that supposed to mean? Like my fiancee didn’t do a good job because he didn’t go into significant debt to buy me the biggest diamond in the efing world?? I swear, some people just have no tact… as you can tell, I’m still annoyed.
Post # 5
Honestly, some people are just unbelievable. I thought the carat-obsessed woman was an urban myth, but it sounds like there are actually a few of them out there. Of course it has negatively impacted your friendship. Real friends don’t treat you that tactlessly or thoughtlessly.
At least you don’t need to feel guilty about not having her as a bridesmaid.
Post # 6
She probably didn’t mean it maliciously but I know EXACTLY what you are saying. Before I moved, I had dinner with an old grad school friend who got engaged a few weeks before me. We sit down and she wants to compare rings. I show mine and she says "Oh! Its like mine just only smaller" and throws her hand in my face. She continued through the meal saying how she is having 9 bridesmaids and these extravagent flowers. Ahem, sounds like someone is trying to "make up for something else in size" lol
Post # 7
blah – cant help bad manners but check out this thread so you will know youre not alone: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/an-ode-to-the-passive-aggressive-comment
Post # 8
Man, what a jerk comment. Engagement rings bring out the competitive side in people, it seems. I get little snide comments about mine all the time and I just try to ignore them. Of course, I mentally note them. Sorry your friend turned out to be such a brat.
Post # 9
I’m so so sorry that friend (more like frenemy) was so rude to you!
As of late, I’ve actually seen the OPPOSITE thing happen. I’ve seen women say catty things to my close friends who have large solitaires (and more) rings. such as "wow..it has decent (emphasis on word "decent") clarity to be so big.
I also once had somebody tell me that (my former wedding ring was a 2.4 ct radiant solitaire with tons of 1/4 ct baguettes around it in plat) some rings are just "too large and gaudy"…I know she inferred mine was.
some people are jealous of you no matter what and feel some sort of wierd competition. My coworker on friday got for her 10 year anniv. (they are an encore couple too) a 3 ct solitaire with over a carat of diamonds surrounding it (maybe more) and it was also in plat. She was actually asking me "what will people think of it? Think I’m full of myself?" I said no, if people say something negative it just means THEY ARE FULL OF IT!!!
Post # 10
- Wedding: January 2010 - Mr. P's GrandparentsÃ¢Â€Â™ Ranch
how rude, hopefully she didnt meant to hut you, I think you should let it go, but if it bothers you so bad you should def ask her what’s her problem?
Post # 11
I wouldn’t take it too personally. I’ve had a couple of people say things to me because my ring is not a diamond. ("oh…it’s still really nice, even though it’s not a diamond). I just look at it like it’s their issue. They have certain ideas about what is important. I think some people don’t even realize how they sound to you. I would chalk it up to a case of ‘foot in mouth’. I know I’ve said things to people not meaning to offend them, but doing just that (offending them, that is). I hope you don’t write off your friend for this reason alone…
Post # 12
Thanks bees! I appriecate all the feed back.
@[email protected] — This isn’t the 1st time that this friend had done some passive agressive behavior. I’ve actually had some mutal friends express that they were surprised that we were still friends because of her behavior. I don’t want to write her off per say, but I am still sort of upset by her comments. I guess maybe its because I try to go with what Thumper’s told Bambi "if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all". I’m sure with time things will get better.
Thanks again every one!
Post # 13
Yikes, that’s awkward!
From the POV of someone who puts her foot in her mouth ALL THE FRIGGIN TIME maybe she just didn’t realize that she was being totally uncouth. If you think that’s the case maybe you can just cut her a break. Or even let her know that her comment hurt you so that she gets a chance to realize she was being really dumb.
About the Bridesmaid or Best Man thing – next time she says something I’d just tell her that your only having your sisters in a lighthearted way.
Post # 14
Get a load of this: I went to a jeweler to shop for a wedding band for my fi. He was telling me about how things have changed over the years with platinum. Years ago, people would come in to have it polished and shined. Now, he offers it when he sees jewelery thats gone dull. The customers are often offended and taken aback saying, "I want it to be dull, that way people know it’s platinum!" Can you believe that?
I love beautiful things. I have a new fascination with jewelry since my engagement. But, I really don’t like the cost consciousness part of carat weight and price tag for this whole wedding racket. I got a pink sapphire and I am so happy.
I work with really really wealthy people and I have seen some of the most stunning jewelry ever. But, you get to a certain point and does it really matter?
Forgive your friend. She just does not get it. You ever hear, "Those who know better, do better."? She probably just didn’t know better. But my skin would bristle too.That’s what her jewelry means to her. For you, it’s something deeper.
Post # 15
Unfortunately, some women can’t just be happy for you being engaged to someone you love. If you tell someone you’re engaged and one of the first things they ask is to see how big your rock is, they’re missing the point. I don’t really understand why some girls feel like they have to turn the size of the diamond into a pissing contest and get super catty, but for whatever reason they do. If she asks questions like that again, I’d just tell her that it was a gift.
Post # 16
Let the ring comment roll of your back. If you love your ring, no one else’s opinion matters! Casually mention how excited you are that your bridal party is all family, so she doesn’t expect to be asked.
I get the ring thing too. I’m in a hands-on field where getting messy is part of the job, plus I’m a klutz, so I wanted a ring that was more flush and didn’t have a giant center stone. I love the ring I have! It’s pretty and very me. I’ve gotten plenty of comments about the size, first time my sister saw it she said it was cute, but she’d want a bigger one! I just laugh about it.