(Closed) Frustrated with family, need advice!

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
500 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think everything that you are already doing is fine.  If you give in to their demands, you’ll have people crying at the wedding for all the wrong reasons.  I think maybe just set up a candle lit area with a picture of her somewhere at your ceremony, and maybe have a note that says something about “Say a Prayer for Joy” or something like that, but there really is no need to devote your entire wedding to her. 

Be strong and stand up to your family, if they can’t understand why you’d rather the focus of the day be on YOU then maybe you should ask them how they’d feel if you just eloped and left them to have the whole day as a big Ode to Joy. They can just do it all themselves.

Post # 4
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

You are absolutely right in your thoughts.  You’ve already compromised more than necessary.  This sounds really cold but – life goes on.  Your wedding is a celebration, not a memorial service.  Your wedding is your  special day.  Your cousin has already had her memorial service.

You should have a heart to heart talk with your mom.  Ask her if she would want these things at her wedding had her cousin passed away.  Have her put herself in your shoes.  Explain that a wedding is a celebration and you don’t want people to be in a somber mood at your wedding.  Of course your tone should be less harsh than mine.

Maybe your Fiance can sit with you and your mom and help you explain these things if you’re hesitant to stand up to your mom.  What does your dad think?  Could he help convice your mom as well?  In the end though… it is your wedding.  Have what you want.  

By the way, make sure you’re not asking our mom to back off.  Be sure that you are telling her how things are going to be.  (In a kind manner of course!)

Good luck!

Post # 5
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I agree with you.  Just because she was a star doesn’t mean that she would have taken center stage on your own wedding day.  Also, I think having too much in terms of memorials and things is going to confuse the guests that aren’t from your side of the family and they will wonder why you have pictures of this girl everywhere.

Post # 6
7693 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Agree with the others.  This is not her memorial.  This is YOUR wedding day. 

Post # 7
7409 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

The ways you have voluntarily chosen to honor her are very appropriate.  Nothing more needs to be done.

Post # 8
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing someone you loved, especially so early, is horrible.

You are already doing everything a loving relative could do.  But your mom needs to understand that this is your wedding, not her funeral! It is not appropriate to saturate every detail of the wedding with references to your cousin. 

And think how uncomfortable it will make all the guests who aren’t in your family and didn’t know her if the wedding seems to be more about this girl than about the bride and groom. That’s not right.

Post # 10
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m so sorry for your loss.

You’re already doing so much to honor your cousin! It’ll be clear to everyone that you loved her deeply and are respecting her. Your mother needs to understand that she needs to grieve but not at your wedding! What does your dad and your fiance say? Maybe your dad can step in and talk with her? I showed this post to my fiance and he said your mom is being absolutely ridiculous. It’s also not just about your side of the family, imagine how your fiance’s family would feel! I’m sorry for being so bold, but your mom’s ideas are really more appropriate for your counsin’s funeral than for your celebration. Good luck, be strong!!

Post # 11
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I agree with everyone else and can see how this would be frustrating for you.  All the things you’ve already planned sound like loving tributes to your cousin and even just one of those things would have been enough.  And the PP’s are right, it’s your wedding, not a memorial.  This day should be all about the beginning of your new life with your husband.  That being said, I’m sorry for your loss and I hope your family can understand your point of view.  Good luck!

Post # 12
41 posts
  • Wedding: January 2012

You know, it is a sad sad thing, and you are recognizing your cousin in ways that are meaningful to you.  Your family may want you to do more, but this isn’t their wedding.  I’d just say “I’m recognizing her, and I know she won’t have her own wedding, but I feel that she wouldn’t want to take over someone else’s wedding either.  I am remembering her, and she will be there in spirit, but in a way that I think is best”  Or you know something to that effect.  Loss is hard on everyone, but it effects everyone differently.  You can’t compensate for what she won’t have, that’s the hard truth, but I think you are recognizing her memory in a beautiful way.  Stay strong.

Post # 13
311 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m sorry for your loss.  It is so awful to lose someone so young so I’m sure your family is just grieving in their own ways. 

Like others have said, this isn’t her funeral or her memorial service, but your wedding.  You need to tell your family that you cannot make up for what your cousin will never have.  It sounds like they are trying to have you live only for her memory.  While it is nice to include some things in your wedding, you can’t have the entire day be about her. 

Just sit them down and tell them, you do love your cousin and miss her very much, but you cannot live your life in her memory.  You have to have your own memories and that includes a wedding that is your vision, not a memorial to her. 

Good luck.

Post # 14
5762 posts
Bee Keeper

I think all the things you’re doing are a wonderful testament to the kind of person she was and how much she meant to you. As a guest, and maybe someone who didn’t know anything about her, do you know what I’d think? I’d think you must be a pretty special person to have a few touches in remembrance of her on such a day. It’s pretty selfless of you to be doing all you are, and I think your family already knows that. I’m asssuming her parents will be there, so maybe that’s why your Mom is being so pushy…she knows they’ll never have that moment with their daughter. Maybe your Mom will back off if you do the picture on your bouquet? That seems pretty simple to do and might let her drop the rest she’s suggesting, as you are already doing so much.

Post # 15
5110 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2011

I think that you are making a great effort to include her and she is going to be remembered and honored as a part of your big day. BUT with that being said, its not her wedding and  your doing a lot to incorporate her. Its your day with your FH and you two should have the day of your dreams and it shouldnt be focused around someone else. Put your foot down with your mother. Tell her NO. You are doing a lot she will be honored everyone will know etc. you dont need to go overboard with it. And this should be a happy day dont let all this get you down 🙂

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