Post # 1
So my cousin passed away in August. She was 20 years old and had her life in front of her… she really was that gifted, beautiful, talented, perfect person everyone claims the deseaced were… and I miss her terribly… She was my baby cousin (though I have 19 cousins, this one was worth bragging about). I would do anything to preserve her name and continue the rememberance in the hearts of those who weren’t as close to her… that said…
My family is pushing for me to make her the focal point of my wedding..
- I’ve already promised(my idea) to have her favorite flowers in my boquete(pink roses, won’t match the rest of the boquete, but it will stand out, and everyone will know why)
- i am honoring her in the programs,
- I’m wearing a special bracelet that has her favorite quote on it (Preserver with JOY!).
- I’m even making our first dance as a married couple a song that she recorded (she was going to school for proformance arts, her voice is angelic) It’s the first song my Aunt and Uncle danced to, she recorded it for their anniversery, and my aunt asked me if I would mind honoring them with it at my wedding (I don’t mind, it’s a beautiful song, and it’s heartfelt because it’s sang by my cousin).
- I’m even having the bridesmaids walk down the aisle to “Ode to Joy” (her middle name was JOY and the word has special meaning to us all now that she’s gone.)
As you can see… i’ve volunteered to do alot to include her in my wedding plans… I loved her, and if she were alive, I would have begged her to sing at my wedding! And she probably would have.. and everyone would have been happy..
but she’s not here..
and my Mother keeps piling guilt on me because:
- I don’t want a locket with my cousins face and favorite quote rapped around my flowers,
- and I don’t want a prayer said for her during the ceremony(it’s a completely secular/almost pagan ceremony to begin with ><).
- That I don’t want a “place of honor” at the head table for her, with her picture, dedicated to her in her favorite colours (she was 5 years younger than me, she wouldn’t have been in my party, as much as I loved her… she wouldn’t be at the main table)
- And I don’t want to pay the DJ extra to set up outside during the ceremony just so we can play one of her songs durig the ceremony(again, secular wedding, religous song, it doesn’t fit, and it’s already too long of a ceremony, I don’t want it longer)
- I told my mom this morning, while arguing about whether the DJ should give a Bio of my cousin before the first song, that i didn’t think she’d want to be the center of attention on my wedding day… and I was told “Oh, i think she would, she always shined brighter than the rest of you, she’d want everyone to hear her..”
it’s fine that she shined so brightly! shiney baby shine! I loved her for that..
but on my wedding day..
I’d like it to be about me and my future husband and our new lives together..
for a few hours ><
what am i supposed to do? i don’t know how to continue compromising without losing my integrity over the whole thing.
Post # 3
I think everything that you are already doing is fine. If you give in to their demands, you’ll have people crying at the wedding for all the wrong reasons. I think maybe just set up a candle lit area with a picture of her somewhere at your ceremony, and maybe have a note that says something about “Say a Prayer for Joy” or something like that, but there really is no need to devote your entire wedding to her.
Be strong and stand up to your family, if they can’t understand why you’d rather the focus of the day be on YOU then maybe you should ask them how they’d feel if you just eloped and left them to have the whole day as a big Ode to Joy. They can just do it all themselves.
Post # 4
You are absolutely right in your thoughts. You’ve already compromised more than necessary. This sounds really cold but – life goes on. Your wedding is a celebration, not a memorial service. Your wedding is your special day. Your cousin has already had her memorial service.
You should have a heart to heart talk with your mom. Ask her if she would want these things at her wedding had her cousin passed away. Have her put herself in your shoes. Explain that a wedding is a celebration and you don’t want people to be in a somber mood at your wedding. Of course your tone should be less harsh than mine.
Maybe your Fiance can sit with you and your mom and help you explain these things if you’re hesitant to stand up to your mom. What does your dad think? Could he help convice your mom as well? In the end though… it is your wedding. Have what you want.
By the way, make sure you’re not asking our mom to back off. Be sure that you are telling her how things are going to be. (In a kind manner of course!)
Post # 5
I agree with you. Just because she was a star doesn’t mean that she would have taken center stage on your own wedding day. Also, I think having too much in terms of memorials and things is going to confuse the guests that aren’t from your side of the family and they will wonder why you have pictures of this girl everywhere.
Post # 6
Agree with the others. This is not her memorial. This is YOUR wedding day.
Post # 7
The ways you have voluntarily chosen to honor her are very appropriate. Nothing more needs to be done.
Post # 8
I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing someone you loved, especially so early, is horrible.
You are already doing everything a loving relative could do. But your mom needs to understand that this is your wedding, not her funeral! It is not appropriate to saturate every detail of the wedding with references to your cousin.
And think how uncomfortable it will make all the guests who aren’t in your family and didn’t know her if the wedding seems to be more about this girl than about the bride and groom. That’s not right.
Post # 9
I agree.. i suppose i need to just stand up and make more of a voice for myself? It’s just that they keep throwing things at me like “don’t you love her?” “don’t you want her to be there with you?” “you know, SHE will never have a wedding of her OWN…” it’s like GAH! i know.. and i do love her! but enough is enough!
family! it’s really hard to put your foot down, especially when it might land on someone, because there’s too many poeple around ><
Post # 10
I’m so sorry for your loss.
You’re already doing so much to honor your cousin! It’ll be clear to everyone that you loved her deeply and are respecting her. Your mother needs to understand that she needs to grieve but not at your wedding! What does your dad and your fiance say? Maybe your dad can step in and talk with her? I showed this post to my fiance and he said your mom is being absolutely ridiculous. It’s also not just about your side of the family, imagine how your fiance’s family would feel! I’m sorry for being so bold, but your mom’s ideas are really more appropriate for your counsin’s funeral than for your celebration. Good luck, be strong!!
Post # 11
I agree with everyone else and can see how this would be frustrating for you. All the things you’ve already planned sound like loving tributes to your cousin and even just one of those things would have been enough. And the PP’s are right, it’s your wedding, not a memorial. This day should be all about the beginning of your new life with your husband. That being said, I’m sorry for your loss and I hope your family can understand your point of view. Good luck!
Post # 12
You know, it is a sad sad thing, and you are recognizing your cousin in ways that are meaningful to you. Your family may want you to do more, but this isn’t their wedding. I’d just say “I’m recognizing her, and I know she won’t have her own wedding, but I feel that she wouldn’t want to take over someone else’s wedding either. I am remembering her, and she will be there in spirit, but in a way that I think is best” Or you know something to that effect. Loss is hard on everyone, but it effects everyone differently. You can’t compensate for what she won’t have, that’s the hard truth, but I think you are recognizing her memory in a beautiful way. Stay strong.
Post # 13
I’m sorry for your loss. It is so awful to lose someone so young so I’m sure your family is just grieving in their own ways.
Like others have said, this isn’t her funeral or her memorial service, but your wedding. You need to tell your family that you cannot make up for what your cousin will never have. It sounds like they are trying to have you live only for her memory. While it is nice to include some things in your wedding, you can’t have the entire day be about her.
Just sit them down and tell them, you do love your cousin and miss her very much, but you cannot live your life in her memory. You have to have your own memories and that includes a wedding that is your vision, not a memorial to her.
Post # 14
I think all the things you’re doing are a wonderful testament to the kind of person she was and how much she meant to you. As a guest, and maybe someone who didn’t know anything about her, do you know what I’d think? I’d think you must be a pretty special person to have a few touches in remembrance of her on such a day. It’s pretty selfless of you to be doing all you are, and I think your family already knows that. I’m asssuming her parents will be there, so maybe that’s why your Mom is being so pushy…she knows they’ll never have that moment with their daughter. Maybe your Mom will back off if you do the picture on your bouquet? That seems pretty simple to do and might let her drop the rest she’s suggesting, as you are already doing so much.
Post # 15
I think that you are making a great effort to include her and she is going to be remembered and honored as a part of your big day. BUT with that being said, its not her wedding and your doing a lot to incorporate her. Its your day with your FH and you two should have the day of your dreams and it shouldnt be focused around someone else. Put your foot down with your mother. Tell her NO. You are doing a lot she will be honored everyone will know etc. you dont need to go overboard with it. And this should be a happy day dont let all this get you down 🙂
Post # 16
thanks again everyone! i absolutely needed to hear that!
If mom keeps pushing, i’ll sit down and have a heart to heart with her, if that doesn’t work, i’ll just have to be a little mean, and let her know enough is enough!