(Closed) Frustrated with Fiance's lack of effort.

posted 6 years ago in Career
Post # 3
Member
206 posts
Helper bee

Best of luck to you both. Job searching is difficult and can be very depressing for both partners.

For you: Try to relax. I know it is frustrating dealing with someone who you want to help help themselves. Do continue with your plan to move to KY for your job, and let him find work and get settled before further talk about marriage happens. The stress of unenployment will be hard on the relationship even if it is indirectly. One thing at a time might make it easier, even if it feels like torture to be apart a little while.

Unfortunately, you seem to have already tried the advice I’d give to help him: if you have the time or desire, send him links to job openings in your area. Police, for example, post on town or county websites and you could find a nearby town once you’ve moved and suggest he apply. You’ll only be able to suggest places and maybe read over his resume and cover letters. Do encourage him not to set his hopes up on one job at a time, this will extend his search and even if he gets an interview he may not get the job.

Good luck again.

Post # 4
Member
2440 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I feel like I’m looking at myself…. When my fiance was finishing his undergrad degree in aerospace and mechanical engineering, he was having a serious case of senioritis which for him culminated in the fear that he was too late to find a job, he wouldn’t like a job in his field. He reaked himself out so badly, that when he finally did muster up the energy to apply for things, he took not hearing back as a personal failure.

 

I never wanted to get involved ina  substantial way, but I started doing some of the legwork for him. I’d find jobs that fit his experience level and send them to him on the days he felt like there were none to be had. I checked to make sure he was actually looking when he promised he would (just asked again, i wasn’t snooping). And eventually, he started asking me to look with him. Even with all the jobs I found for him to apply to, the one he accepted (and loves) is a job he found for himself. His attitude during the interview was great because through the process of getting him back on his feat, he stopped beating himself up and saw himself for what he is: a very capable, hard working, well educated man who would be an asset to any aerospace company looking for a solid engineer.

 

Sometimes, a person is just lazy. other times, they need a little help. I’m not sure which your fiance is, and I’m not sure if how I handled things with my fi was right, but i hope you guys can work something out, and talk about this together.

Post # 6
Member
2440 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@MissPatience:  Ok, I AM looking at myself. It might help if you let your fiance know (maybe leaving a window open on your computer with an article about it) that this is honestly really very common. I felt this when I graduated (I got a TRULY USELESS degree in Fine Art)

 

He is not a failure. He spent the last 5 years proving to himself, and to everyone around him that he is commited to improving himself, even when the process is long, stressful, and grinding. He’s proven that he is smart and intends to become smarter. He’s proven that he cares about his future, for himself, and for his future family. He’s proven that he cares about his coutnry and community, and wants to fulfil a civic duty. He’s proven that he believes in education, and wants to be a positive statistic of the good it can do. And he’s proven that when he puts his mind to it, he can accomplish anything anybody else can.

It’s easy to lose focus on your own sense of validity and accomplishment while being faced with the reality of our current economic climate and the return value of certain degrees. It is important to remind him that those are external factors, and he has absolutely no control over them. What he has control over is his reaction to it. He has control over how much time he spends job searching. He has control over the types of jobs he is willing to apply for. He has control over how many applications he puts out, and the rate at which he does so. He has control over how he handles the time period between putting in his applications, and recieving word of his status.

 

This is a matter which comes down completely do self confidence, which you’ve already noted. For my fiance, we had to spend an extended period of time taking emotion COMPLETEZLY OUT OF THE EQUATION. In school, you do your assignments because they are assigned to you, and you know you have to to get the grade. Take emotion out of it for your fi. Sit down with him, talk about how he is feeling, remind him that you believe in and love him, and together set up a quota for time spent job searching, and applications out the door. Go over his resume with him or encourage him to arrange to go to a resume workshop. Once he feels he has the rigth ammunition, he might have an easier time going through with the process.

 

Most importantly, treat every application out the door as a win. Celebrate. Have some ice cream. Light candles at dinner. Anything. Just make sure that you guys are focusing on the process of finding a job, ratehr than the end result.

 

That was super long, so sorry. But I do hope theres something in there that helps. I have been exactly where you are now. Right now, my fi has a fantastic job, that he feels intelectually stimulated and mostly fulfilled at. He still wonders if this is right for him for life, but he isn’t afraid of it anymore. Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
1469 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Is he aware of just how many jobs people apply for on average when searching? 2 since May is hardly anything. He has to know logically that he’ll increase his odds if he applies to more than one at a time! Sorry if I sound harsh but that would be very frustrating.

Post # 10
Member
238 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I know how you feel. I can offer no advice, just sympathy and a listening ear.

Post # 11
Member
1469 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MissPatience:  I would just say, “Sweetie, I know you are frustrated and I’m here to support you, but honestly, it’s common for perfectly qualified people submit dozens if not, hundreds of resumes to get the job they want.” Then point him to a helpful site. In the 1-minute Google search I did, I came across this: http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/606

I actually loathe Dr. Phil, but this stood out to me right away, “Most people get in cycles with going on a couple of interviews and then they stop. You can’t stop. Until you have an offer, you have absolutely nothing.”

He should be looking for advice, resources and connections with his job search. And it is important to put effort and thought into cover letters so I’m not suggesting he blanket companies with just his resume. Sometimes people aren’t good at taking advice from their partner. Sometimes the advice needs to come from another source, ultimately, before they will listen (unfortunately). I noticed you have posted about your frustration a couple times before. I know, job searching sucks. I’ve been there, but honestly, I feel like he can’t feel sorry for himself until the number of jobs he has applied for at least gets into the double digits. Otherwise, NO SYMPATHY! 

Most people don’t hold onto jobs for life (although if he goes into law enforcement, that’s possible). Most have to go through this shitty process of job hunting several times in their adult life. He’s going to have to learn this life skill just like any other.

Post # 13
Member
1469 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MissPatience:  I forget, have you talked to him about your frustration directly? if you havent you should! Gently and while pointing him to helpful websites with best practices about job searching. i guess my only concern is him getting upset that you “went behind his back” if you talk to his grandfather. Is it possible to visit his grandfather or cousin together and you can just casually mention your FI’s frustration with his job “search” and then hopefully he can get a kick in the pants from his family?

It sounds like you have been too patient misspatience! Have a talk with him first. Then think of other options! You need to know if you’ll be living in the same state! You are getting married. It deserves a serious conversation with some hard truths about job searching.

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