(Closed) Frustrated with FILs

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
605 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I’m sorry that you aren’t getting the in laws you want, but they are under no obligation to pay for anything, and they are under no obligation to meet your parents before the wedding. 

I think for your own mental health, you should just let these feelings of animosity go. You won’t be able to change their actions, so embrace your own parents and appreciate your in laws for what they are. 

Post # 3
Member
2868 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

View original reply
ValAsInVal:  +1 to this, and to add, some families don’t like to mingle with others. My mom is an introvert, its hard for her to step outside the box. Doing a family meal with my in laws would not be her cup of tea. Just something to think about.

Post # 4
Member
1603 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I agree with PP, but OP should not have given into anything the inlaws wanted.  I would be very careful.  It was wrong of them to whine and put more on OP’s family. 

Post # 7
Member
2344 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I understand your feelings but I agree with the previous posters. Families have different cultures, I think it’s better to always approach relationships with a presumption of good will. A loquacious, demonstrative family might misinterpret more reserved in-laws as hostile, while the reserved in-laws interpret the enthusiastic family as overbearing and ostentatious. Not all families merge or expect to merge when their children marry. My parents and my in-laws liked each other but did not become friends, they were busy with their own existing friends and family. They exchanged Christmas cards and enjoyed a natter on the rare occasions they collided  

Plenty of Bees on here complain about in-laws poking their noses into every aspect of planning, irrespective of whether they are contributing financially. Your in-laws may think they are behaving by not intruding. 

Also it is possible that they really aren’t very excited about the wedding planning and the frills and furbelows associated,  but that doesn’t mean they aren’t happy about the far more important event of your marriage. Their conservatism and religious vigour make this more likely. They might feel less interested in the material elements of your wedding day but still regard the sacrament as a blessing and be happy for you and their son. Not all of us enjoy the minutae of wedding planning. I’m married for the second time and I minimised the planning and fuss both times, I have a very limited capacity to care about table decoration, let alone invest time in it. My good friend by contrast loved her two years of meticulous planning and crafting. We are all different and my lack of interest in planning wasn’t symptomatic of a lack of interest in our wedding or the wedding day. I looked forward to it, loved it, and enjoy reminiscing about it. 

Try not to overthink it and give them the benefit of the doubt. 

 

Post # 8
Member
279 posts
Helper bee

So here is a prime example of you venting and hating your situation and wanting someone to understand, right? Well I totally do, no guilt trip I promise. This situation plain sucks…you don’t deserve this. I really wish you hadn’t done anything for them in the beginning because they clearly don’t deserve it. 

That being said…maybe your fiance needs to outright tell them – hey, traditionally the groom’s parents pay for the rehearsal dinner…what’re your thoughts, mom n dad? 

It sounds like you’re just waiting for them to say something and pardon me if you already have, but if you haven’t, maybe have Fiance speak up and be like “um this is something i’d like…what do you think?” 

Maybe they’re just direct and want their son to tell them what to do here. 

Post # 9
Member
93 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2016 - Laguna Beach

Ok, I can totally commiserate. My Future Mother-In-Law (my FI’s father is deceased) has shown no interest whatsoever, except for random texts saying ‘send an invite to xyz!’ (These have been people she hasn’t spoken to in 10-20 years. Yeah, no invite for them.) She has not met my parents and they probably won’t meet until the wedding day. She has never mentioned a rehearsal dinner – we aren’t having one. We were not going to ask her and we can’t foot the bill ourselves. I was bummed about it for a tiny while and then I got over it. 

It sucks when things don’t work out perfectly or like a movie. I’m remembering the bigger picture. I hope she’s happy that we are getting married, I hope she gets along with my parents…but it’s not the end of the world. 

Post # 10
Member
605 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

View original reply
cmm067:  I definitely sympathize; I can’t stand my Mother-In-Law because she is super obnoxious and self-obsessed. I sometimes throw myself a short pity party about how I wish I would have ended up having a close relationship with a woman I could look up to as my Mother-In-Law. But then I move on, because my husband is my husband, and I can’t help who his mother is. 

So stop setting yourself up to be disappointed in them and just accept them for who they are. They clearly don’t have an interest in meeting your parents, but I doubt it’s because of ill will toward them. It may seem odd to you, but it’s not to them, so just let it go. 

Post # 11
Member
324 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

View original reply
KareKoosh:  I completely agree with what you posted.

I disagree with previous posters saying that you should just suck it up and they don’t have to pay for anything. Of course they don’t HAVE to be involved in any way, but it feels weird–money aside–to have them not involved at all in an event that, like you said, is supposed to be in part a joining of your families. I would talk to your fiance about it in a nice way and see if he can check in with them about the wedding.

Post # 12
Member
4843 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
cmm067:  maybe they do not want to come to a rehersal dinner because they feel like they would have to pay for it and do not have the finances.

I would just deal with it and put on a smile. Being annoyed and upset about it will only cause more stress for future hubby. whenever my in-laws give me the shits…I stop and remember they did something right because they raised a really kind, decent man. I also remember that they have made it easy and have been very supportive of us as couple and have never complained that their son is living 3000km away. 

Count your blessings and move on….

Post # 13
Member
3163 posts
Sugar bee

My in-laws have also only been involved to ask me to do things for them and make other demands, such as inviting guests. So it’s not abnormal, although I don’t thinks it’s particularly nice. I’m sorry you’re going through this. You should speak to your fiancé and make sure you and him are both on the same page as to how to approach this 

Post # 14
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee

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ValAsInVal:  Totally agree

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cmm067: These ppl won’t live up to your idea and ideals of what in-laws should be. I have a monster-in-law and I’m a lover so I spent days upon days wishing things could be “normal” and mourning the fact that I would not have the Mother-In-Law I dreamt of. My advice to you, avoid what I did. I know it’s hard because you crave positivity and just want things to be okay but for the sake of your mental health let it go-ALL OF IT. The best thing you can do for yourself is move on and enjoy your happiness. Once you do it will feel soooooooo good. Build a wall up around yourself and protect your happiness from those jerks because they will always ruin it if you let them. Best wishes! 

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