(Closed) Frustrated with FI’s Promises

posted 6 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Dudette I am so sorry to hear this…you sound near breaking point and rightfully so.

Is there any way you can broach the $$ without him feeling like it is a witch hunt?

If you asked him how he feels he is doing versus his promises that he made, or to just draw it up on paper would that be too inflamatory?

 

 

Post # 5
Member
3968 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@rosworms:  Maybe (seriously or not) tell him that you are concerned about finances, and there is not a way to have the wedding at its current set date without making X amount per month, and then discuss a plan to make that happen.

Post # 6
Member
240 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m in a similar situation….my Fiance recently revealed to me that he has $30,000 in cc debt!!!! I was livid that he kept this from me!  While we both have good jobs, he has more debt than income each month with zero savings! 

I too keep getting empty promises that he is getting this situation under control.  In the last month he has only applied for 3 part time jobs and I STILL see him using his cards to buy useless crap!

I don’t really have any advice.  All I can say is that if you accept him, that means accepting his debt. You have to work together to get things under control and you can’t throw it in his face when ever things get hard…..I KNOW THATS NOT EASY!!!

Just tonight, he finally agreed to give me his cards and keep one at his place for emergancies (not in his wallet). When we are married, I will do the finances. That was a must an he is ok with that….well, he didnt have a choice.

I know it’s hard Yell  Hang in there!

Post # 7
Member
2786 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Ack, I’m sorry…money issues are so so so stressful, and I can totally relate. Do you know why he gets angry when you brng it up? Is he just feeling defensive?

I’m wondering if it’s the approach….what if instead of approaching it as “how can we make more money” you approached it as “what can we cut out/do to SAVE more money?”. I hate talking about money, so I can get where he might be coming from, but I know that when Fiance lost his job and we were having money issues he brought it up from the standpoint of “I’m willing to give this up to help us get to our financial goal” then I didn’t feel like it was being put on me, and I was much more open to talking about it.

Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Could you print this off or rewrite and read it to him – then you are speaking to him, but it’s scripted so maybe easier than off the cuff?

 

This post screams frustration and I’m sorry I don’t have any better advice for you.

Post # 9
Member
240 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Just saw that you are Ocober 10th!! I’m October 14th!!! Five months to go!  I definitely feel your pain!

Post # 10
Member
2742 posts
Sugar bee

@Snow00774:  I haven’t heard anyone use ‘dudette’ in a while. So funny. OP, I’m so sorry I can’t offer any advice. I know that I am very very touchy about money and if it were me, I’d have pulled my hair  out by this time. You won’t even want to be around me. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. And not only because of the wedding, but you do need money AFTER the wedding too.

Post # 11
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

You may not want to hear this, but in at least in some states, after you get married, your income could be used too in calculating child support obligations.  (And yes, to me it makes sense you pay the govt…because they are paying for the child, likely more than your Fiance is shelling out.  They are obligated to go after the other parent when the child is receiving govt support.  The idea being, why should the government pay for the kid if there is a parent out there who can & should support his/her own child.)

I think the saving money idea is a good one, along with breaking down the budget and how you’ll get there.  I know you want him to chip in more, but have you considered your own part-time job? It may spur him, it will take one type of pressure off of you, and his child obligation will become both your obligations anyways after marriage.

Post # 12
Member
1962 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Is there some way you can cut back on the wedding so that the cost isn’t so high? He may be the one with the extra burden, but since you are marrying him you are taking on his baggage too. Putting a lot of pressure on him probably won’t help. Working within your means would be better than the extra stress. The pressure could lead to long lasting depression or resentment on his end. I know it’s frustrating. My Fiance and I have been in a similar place for the last two years. We don’t have a child support issue, but we’ve had other major financial difficulties that take pretty much everything on a regular basis. 

If you really want him to find a second job make sure you are talking to him in a constructive manner about it. I’m not sure what your conversations are like, but try not to demoralize as much as possible. 

Finding a job in this economy can be pretty tough. Even low paying jobs like mine (cashier… weee) can be hard to come by. Maybe you could offer and actively try to find a second job to show you are willing to pull the extra weight too? Eh when we’ve been in this situation I couldn’t stand to put the burden just on my Fiance. We’re in this together and help each other with our problems instead of saying “you need to deal with it because it’s your baggage.” 

Sorry if this sounds rude. I’m just trying to offer a different perspective. 

ETA: I know you came to an agreement on the situation together, but what you two are doing is obviously not working out. It sounds like you two need to have a new discussion (clean slate) about how you will both handle the issue. I don’t know what to say to make him want to talk to you about it though. Not being able to talk about money is so stressful….

Post # 13
Member
1659 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

You’re right, he does need to make more money and he needs to save more money too. I can see just how frustrated you are, and to be quite honest, I wouldn’t stand for this. You need to know that your partner can contribute toward sustaining your shared lifestyle goals (food, shelter, transportation, hobbies, savings goals), and right now he’s failing in being able to keep up.

I guess I’m also concerned as to why he doesn’t see this as an immediate issue – I don’t think he should be able to get angry and defer the conversation. Next time you start this conversation, tell him that you understand that he’s angry but you are angry too and you’re going to talk his out until you come up with a reasonable solution and an action plan with deadlines and clear expectations.

Post # 14
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@rosworms:  are the contracts definitely set in stone? would you come out a bit ahead by cancelling a contract, and paying whatever deposit, but not having to pay the full amount? not to be harsh, but is this even a wedding you can afford? it may be best to cut some losses now, and do something on a much smaller scale, even if it eliminates a few items that seem necessary.

Post # 15
Member
786 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@blueskies7:  i agree with this.

As someone else said above, you may also want to look into how the child support payments will change after you are married. you may end up having to pay more.

Post # 16
Member
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

OP I seriously feel for you. Coming from someone who’s been there done that…let me be a little straight forward for a hot second. Please don’t take it the wrong way, because I wish only the best for you.

Forget the wedding. Yes, it is an immediate worry, but gosh…think about YOUR FUTURE. Worry about that…

You sound like a nice, smart, and hard working woman. You sound like you can take care of yourself and make a life for yourself. Just the fact that you’ve been devoted for 7 years to the same work place speaks volumes about your level of dedication–even if it’s a gas station job.

If this guy is so interested in marrying you, then he needs to work towards that, and more importantly he better be working his rear end off to build a life with you. I’ve met single moms who literally work a full time job doing overnight shifts, waitress in the day time, go to school part time, and clean houses/offices on the weekends. They make it work because they have someone they love, they have someone to fight for.

There is NO reason why you have to carry all this responsibility and weight on your shoulders. He needs to contribute to this wedding and a better life for the both of you. This is too much pressure for you. It’s ridiculous.

Unless he gets his act together and is ACTIVELY seeking to improve things (and I mean actively, like that’s all he can focus on, think about, and pursue) , I personally could not move forward with these wedding plans. It’s not fair to you. You deserve better.

What are your/his goals for the future? You plan on staying in the same town working the same jobs for the rest of your life? I could be wrong but it sounds like he is content where he is at…and it doesn’t sound like you are. It seems you are more goal-oriented.

Love<3

 

 

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