Post # 1
I really need to vent to someone who isn’t friends with both Fiance and I. We get along great and he is the sweetest Fiance in the world. But……… (and this is the only complaint I ever have about him, so don’t take this rant as him being a jerk or bad guy).
Fiance and I both work crappy full time jobs. I’m a gas station attendant and he works the electronics section at Wal-Mart. I’ve been with my job for seven years, so I make more than the average gas station worker. Fiance has child support, and about 30% of his paycheck goes to the state of Pennsylvania. It doesn’t even go to his kid because his ex-wife is on welfare (hasn’t had a job in 20 years) and so she gets money from the state and we basically pay for her to be on welfare or something (I dunno… our money goes away, that’s all).
Anyway… so our take home pay is not alot… not enough. He brings home $400 every OTHER week.
I keep pressuring him to get a part time job because I’m the only one contributing to the wedding and I’m not doing very well on my own. I never thought I’d be the sole financial backer for this thing and I am losing my cool. I am also the one who fills the car and does the grocery shopping. I also have bills. I can’t do it all alone. I’m about ready to break down and cry becuase I am thousands of dollars behind on our goal for wedding money and we have contracts that we can’t back out of.
He has been promising me since January that he would find ways to get extra money. He would start contributing to the savings account. He would find a job. He would do something. You know what I have gotten from him so far? $60. Sixty fucking dollars!
He did agree that since he is the one who has other financial responsibilities (his child support) that takes away from us, he is the one who should be making up for him. But he hasn’t done anything about it so far.
And he gets angry when I bring up money any time… because pressuring him isn’t helping and upsets him. But I’m upset all the time because I can see that we are sinking fast without any help from him.
Post # 3
Dudette I am so sorry to hear this…you sound near breaking point and rightfully so.
Is there any way you can broach the $$ without him feeling like it is a witch hunt?
If you asked him how he feels he is doing versus his promises that he made, or to just draw it up on paper would that be too inflamatory?
Post # 4
I almost feel like just sending him this rant to show how upset I am without yelling. I could possibly write a note… I have a tendency to get very emotional when I speak. But I just don’t know if it will be able to drive home the importance.
it REALLY hit me tonight when I look at my wedding countdown on my phone and saw how little time we had left to make up for the money that hasn’t been made.
Post # 5
@rosworms: Maybe (seriously or not) tell him that you are concerned about finances, and there is not a way to have the wedding at its current set date without making X amount per month, and then discuss a plan to make that happen.
Post # 6
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m in a similar situation….my Fiance recently revealed to me that he has $30,000 in cc debt!!!! I was livid that he kept this from me! While we both have good jobs, he has more debt than income each month with zero savings!
I too keep getting empty promises that he is getting this situation under control. In the last month he has only applied for 3 part time jobs and I STILL see him using his cards to buy useless crap!
I don’t really have any advice. All I can say is that if you accept him, that means accepting his debt. You have to work together to get things under control and you can’t throw it in his face when ever things get hard…..I KNOW THATS NOT EASY!!!
Just tonight, he finally agreed to give me his cards and keep one at his place for emergancies (not in his wallet). When we are married, I will do the finances. That was a must an he is ok with that….well, he didnt have a choice.
I know it’s hard Hang in there!
Post # 7
Ack, I’m sorry…money issues are so so so stressful, and I can totally relate. Do you know why he gets angry when you brng it up? Is he just feeling defensive?
I’m wondering if it’s the approach….what if instead of approaching it as “how can we make more money” you approached it as “what can we cut out/do to SAVE more money?”. I hate talking about money, so I can get where he might be coming from, but I know that when Fiance lost his job and we were having money issues he brought it up from the standpoint of “I’m willing to give this up to help us get to our financial goal” then I didn’t feel like it was being put on me, and I was much more open to talking about it.
Post # 8
Could you print this off or rewrite and read it to him – then you are speaking to him, but it’s scripted so maybe easier than off the cuff?
This post screams frustration and I’m sorry I don’t have any better advice for you.
Post # 9
Just saw that you are Ocober 10th!! I’m October 14th!!! Five months to go! I definitely feel your pain!
Post # 10
@Snow00774: I haven’t heard anyone use ‘dudette’ in a while. So funny. OP, I’m so sorry I can’t offer any advice. I know that I am very very touchy about money and if it were me, I’d have pulled my hair out by this time. You won’t even want to be around me. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. And not only because of the wedding, but you do need money AFTER the wedding too.
Post # 11
You may not want to hear this, but in at least in some states, after you get married, your income could be used too in calculating child support obligations. (And yes, to me it makes sense you pay the govt…because they are paying for the child, likely more than your Fiance is shelling out. They are obligated to go after the other parent when the child is receiving govt support. The idea being, why should the government pay for the kid if there is a parent out there who can & should support his/her own child.)
I think the saving money idea is a good one, along with breaking down the budget and how you’ll get there. I know you want him to chip in more, but have you considered your own part-time job? It may spur him, it will take one type of pressure off of you, and his child obligation will become both your obligations anyways after marriage.
Post # 12
Is there some way you can cut back on the wedding so that the cost isn’t so high? He may be the one with the extra burden, but since you are marrying him you are taking on his baggage too. Putting a lot of pressure on him probably won’t help. Working within your means would be better than the extra stress. The pressure could lead to long lasting depression or resentment on his end. I know it’s frustrating. My Fiance and I have been in a similar place for the last two years. We don’t have a child support issue, but we’ve had other major financial difficulties that take pretty much everything on a regular basis.
If you really want him to find a second job make sure you are talking to him in a constructive manner about it. I’m not sure what your conversations are like, but try not to demoralize as much as possible.
Finding a job in this economy can be pretty tough. Even low paying jobs like mine (cashier… weee) can be hard to come by. Maybe you could offer and actively try to find a second job to show you are willing to pull the extra weight too? Eh when we’ve been in this situation I couldn’t stand to put the burden just on my Fiance. We’re in this together and help each other with our problems instead of saying “you need to deal with it because it’s your baggage.”
Sorry if this sounds rude. I’m just trying to offer a different perspective.
ETA: I know you came to an agreement on the situation together, but what you two are doing is obviously not working out. It sounds like you two need to have a new discussion (clean slate) about how you will both handle the issue. I don’t know what to say to make him want to talk to you about it though. Not being able to talk about money is so stressful….
Post # 13
You’re right, he does need to make more money and he needs to save more money too. I can see just how frustrated you are, and to be quite honest, I wouldn’t stand for this. You need to know that your partner can contribute toward sustaining your shared lifestyle goals (food, shelter, transportation, hobbies, savings goals), and right now he’s failing in being able to keep up.
I guess I’m also concerned as to why he doesn’t see this as an immediate issue – I don’t think he should be able to get angry and defer the conversation. Next time you start this conversation, tell him that you understand that he’s angry but you are angry too and you’re going to talk his out until you come up with a reasonable solution and an action plan with deadlines and clear expectations.
Post # 14
@rosworms: are the contracts definitely set in stone? would you come out a bit ahead by cancelling a contract, and paying whatever deposit, but not having to pay the full amount? not to be harsh, but is this even a wedding you can afford? it may be best to cut some losses now, and do something on a much smaller scale, even if it eliminates a few items that seem necessary.
Post # 15
@blueskies7: i agree with this.
As someone else said above, you may also want to look into how the child support payments will change after you are married. you may end up having to pay more.
Post # 16
OP I seriously feel for you. Coming from someone who’s been there done that…let me be a little straight forward for a hot second. Please don’t take it the wrong way, because I wish only the best for you.
Forget the wedding. Yes, it is an immediate worry, but gosh…think about YOUR FUTURE. Worry about that…
You sound like a nice, smart, and hard working woman. You sound like you can take care of yourself and make a life for yourself. Just the fact that you’ve been devoted for 7 years to the same work place speaks volumes about your level of dedication–even if it’s a gas station job.
If this guy is so interested in marrying you, then he needs to work towards that, and more importantly he better be working his rear end off to build a life with you. I’ve met single moms who literally work a full time job doing overnight shifts, waitress in the day time, go to school part time, and clean houses/offices on the weekends. They make it work because they have someone they love, they have someone to fight for.
There is NO reason why you have to carry all this responsibility and weight on your shoulders. He needs to contribute to this wedding and a better life for the both of you. This is too much pressure for you. It’s ridiculous.
Unless he gets his act together and is ACTIVELY seeking to improve things (and I mean actively, like that’s all he can focus on, think about, and pursue) , I personally could not move forward with these wedding plans. It’s not fair to you. You deserve better.
What are your/his goals for the future? You plan on staying in the same town working the same jobs for the rest of your life? I could be wrong but it sounds like he is content where he is at…and it doesn’t sound like you are. It seems you are more goal-oriented.