(Closed) Frustrated with judgement. :/

posted 6 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 3
Member
3626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Living well is the best revenge! Just remember that.

Otherwise, I’d say “gee thanks for your well wishes” or “why would you say something like that?” depending on your mood. Tongue Out

Post # 4
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Yeah…did the whole party thing at 17 (was only with one guy, and that was for 4 years, so wouldn’t quite call it being a ho) but still it was still a mistake. I’m 26 now and the 2nd guy I’ve ever been with is the one, I wish I had waited but if I had we probably wouldn’t have met. We all have our own paths to follow and I guess I had some lessons to learn. My MOM told me to shop around, I mean really. If you guys both have the same values (and it sounds like you do) you stand a better chance than many. Congratulations and loving wishes!

Post # 5
Member
1512 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I don’t think it’s too young, honestly, but just make sure you’re both ready for marriage and aren’t just doing it because he’s joining the military. Not saying it would happen to you, but I had a friend who sounds almost just like you. She had dated her husband for years, he joined the military, and they got married wihin one month before he was shipped off. She was 20 when they got married. Fast forward to three years later, and now they’re separated because he just wasn’t ready for marriage. I think they just rushed into it since he was leaving, and like I said, not saying it will happen to you. Just make sure you two love each other and are ready for marriage. If those things are ture, then you’ll be fine, no matter what age.

Post # 6
Member
1725 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Some people just have different maturity levels or are bitter about their situations…but that doesn’t mean they should “curse” yours! Just keep living life and all the haters will fall away

Post # 7
Member
704 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I’m 23 and I heard all the same stuff. I don’t think it matters how old or young you are, people always have to shed their “advice” and if they’re older even by a little bit, some people think they’re lightyears wiser than us youngins lol. Just think about how sweet it will be when 10 or 20 years down the road you and your husband are still happily married and all those annoying people will eat their words Smile

 

 

Post # 8
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m 21, my fiance will be 20 when we get married, and we ge this same thing because we are waiting till marriage for sex. So we obviously have to be rushing it so we can do the nasty right? Lol… Don’t even worry about 🙂 My mom married my dad when she was 19 and in the military; she is still in the military and married to the same man 23 years later. 🙂

Post # 9
Member
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

You can’t do much other than to show them, by proving that you are making the right decision and that is only proven after many, many, long years of marriage.

Post # 10
Member
4693 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@harleyq:  

So true! When my cousin got married at 30 years old everyone was telling him the same thing!

Post # 11
Member
7992 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I think it depends why people are giving you negative feedback. If they are just against marriage then… haters gonna hate. However, I suspect that they have genuine concerns about your age, and here’s why.

Do you remember when you were 13 and you looked back over the past few years and felt so mature, like you were grown up now? And now at 19 you look back and see how young you were? I am 28, andI look back now and see what a child I was at 19. This process continues throughout your life… I recently made an error in judgement at work which I apologised for, and a co-worker said “but that’s understandable, because you are young and impatient and you want to make a difference”. At first I thought hang on, I’m almost 30! But then I saw myself through her eyes… this lady who had been in the industry for 30 years could see how young I still was at 28.

Now, that said, why is getting married at 19 worse than getting married at 28? Because it is during your 20s that you are free to find out who you are as an adult. You have left home for the first time. You live alone or with friends. You manage your money, study, and free time by yourself. You develop a character. You also make mistakes and experiment… for some people, this is about sleeping around. But it wasn’t for me. Other people choose to start businesses, travel the world, work for a charity, live on a kibbutz, sleep in the desert, write novels… the list goes on. Now, I’m sure you think that you can do all of this whilst you are married, but you will honestly find it a lot harder. When you are married, you have made a financial, legal and religious commitment to have a home together. If you want to start a business, you are no longer risking just your money, you are risking the financial security of your home. If you want to live in a different city to take an educational course, you will find it much harder (both financially and emotionally) to do this. Marriage will close certain roads for you, or make them harder to take, and I think that people are cautioning you because of this.

People are probably also worried because the life of an army wife is not easy, and can be very lonely. You may move all the time, and find it hard to make friends and have a career. If you know what you are getting into then this is OK, but this life can be very narrow in terms of new experiences, and I think that people are urging you to experience new things before you become an army wife.

I don’t think anyone thinks marriage is hell, and if I thought that then I wouldn’t be doing it myself. But, for example, if I was married then I could not have taken the job overseas which I currently have. I would have felt too guilty about leaving my husband and home. I am glad that I took this job, and I now feel much more prepared to live a life which is based mostly in one country (with no more than a few weeks here and there overseas at any one time) after marriage.

Just a few things to consider… I think your friends really mean to say what I’ve just said… they just didn’t phrase themselves very well!

Post # 13
Member
835 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Ok…. I’m going to say this the best way I can…. People are going to have stuff to say, no matter what. It’s human nature….. At 19, I had been with my high school sweetheart for 4 years. We always assumed and knew we would get married…. but I knew something was missing (he was perfect, but not for me). Needless to say, my friends loved him, my mom loved him, my stepdad loved him, my brother was friggin obsessed with him. His parents loved me…seems perfect??? We we graduated and about a year later, everyone was pressuring us. He was totally fine with it and ready to go…. I wasn’t. And random side bar-we didn’t have sex, either. His parents bought us a piece of land (I didn’t know they were doing this before hand) and said for a wedding gift they were getting us a new truck. Also, I think him and his mother went to look at rings a few times. I was ba!!s-to-the wall freaking out. So I had a plan, ask for a break to just breathe…I mean why not, his cousin had done it with her boyfriend then they got back together and ended up engaged. I didn’t know why, but I wasn’t ready. I asked for the break. He freaked, fell to his knees…. kept thinking something had to be WRONG for me to do this. Nothing was wrong, just not right. I told my mom, she cried. No one took it well. His parents freaked…. we never got back together. Now I’m married to the most perfect guy ever. He is perfect for me and our chemistry is off the charts. And now, all these years later, my family all kinda went…., “ooooohhhhh, NOW we get it!!!!” ….and they love my husband more than they could ever imagine. They think he is my “god send”…… and my brother calls him his brother. Moral of the story NO ONE KNOWS WHAT IS PERFECT FOR YOU BUT YOU!!!!! Hell, my sister-in-law would have had me married about 3 times, by now, to some really nice guys I’ve dated. It’s your life. You know what is right…. period. People will ALWAYS have an opinion about things (especially about peoples loved lives), especially your loved ones. Do what is right for you. Because fact of the matter is, we all look for a different things in a mate, so how in the world can others tell us which direction to go with our love lives?? 

Post # 15
Member
9483 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

I have a co-worker who is heavily opinionated on when people should get married.  She basically thinks it’s stupid for people under 28 to get married.  She has said this in front of me and gone on and on about it.  I just sat there and smiled.  My other co-worker was in horror and made sure I was okay once she was done talking.  Apparently the one speaking about marriage at a young age forgot I was 23 because I seem older “maturity” wise.  Guess I proved her wrong then.

Post # 16
Member
835 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@ccaaseyy …. I agree. I’m sure you are smart enough to hear what advice people give you… I know that because you posted on here for advice, but only you know what you want in life and what is in your heart. I’m telling you I was soooo close to being convinced into a marriage with a perfectly nice and wonderful guy. It takes guts to hear the advice you’re being given, but go in a different direction. If you feel so strongly about it, I’m willing to bet it’s right.  There were grown women who thought I was nuts…. but i knew what I wanted in a relationship, and that wasn’t it. No one person, not a soul understood my actions. Then years later I brought my now husband to meet everyone… and they understood the chemistry and love I was in search of. I’m so happy with him and what we have I wonder how I’m so lucky….. And then I think, “holy heck, I’m so glad I didn’t listen to those people”… I think it’s good to listen to the advice of people who are older, in general they have been there done that. Thing is, sometimes they haven’t. My mom has never known a love (with a man) like I have with my husband. She has always settled, or ignored red flags (not saying she doesn’t have her own lil red flags, god love her), and neither has my grandparents (also people giving me advice back then)…so where, yeah…in general people can tell you what happens when you mature, or how love can fade, or how people can change over time, or whatever…. 9 times out of 10 a person has not experienced EVERYTHING from A-Z when it comes to matters of the heart. So they can’t give advice on quite everything. What those people saw is that I had an amazing guy there, that’s all they saw. What I know now and realize now is this…. I wanted it to be through the roof, off the charts, mind blowing love, chemistry unmeasureable….or be alone. I was perfectly ok with alone. But most people aren’t. So who the heck in their right mind would have given me the advice to let go of a great guy?? I knew…but they didn’t know any better. So you know you…you know what you want…..What you feel and want is all that matters!!!

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