(Closed) Frustrated with my father’s partner – don’t know how to deal with her

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
3285 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

Aww, wish I had advice, but I can offer hive hugs and understanding!  And hallelujah that she’s not part of wedding planning!!!

Post # 4
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Awww I offer you a hug! And my best advice is just to write down a timeline/all details for anything she’s involved with anymore, fax it/mail it/email it to her and tell her to email/call with any questions. 🙂

Post # 5
1084 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Your dad and her seem like they are a bit opposites.  My husband can’t pass things on very well because he just listens and judges it wont be a problem.  Luckily he takes care of things plenty well but there have been a few times where I’ve been like WTF, I have no idea who’s coming over, when they’re coming over and I get the oh I don’t know it will all work out.  It sounds like direct communication with her is necessary as your father might not directly relay everything perfectly and it is her house too.

Post # 7
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

It stinks you are put in this position, since you’ve already explained it all to your father.  But, it does seem like there’s a huge gap in communication between the two of them as it relates to details.  Because you know this, just make a mental note in the future to talk to his Girlfriend about it.  The thing is, as much as you don’t acknowledge her as your step mother, it’s her place too.  If I had a whole host of my BF’s daughter’s friends and family (not to mention his ex wife) coming to my home, I’d want to know all the details, too!  Plus, she sounds particular about her things/space, so she’s probably a bit type-A in wanting to know what’s going on.

I know it’s the LAST thing you want to do – but, since they’ve been together for many years, it’s safe to say she’s not necessarily going anywhere – so, you’ll be happier in the long run if you can include her. 

I’m sorry if I sound unsympathetic to your frustration – because I’m not.  I know what a pain it is to have to repeat things or feel like you are bending over to her – when your dad has already given you the green light.  

I love the idea of emailing her, so you don’t have to speak directly and get into any issues (and, conversely, she can be direct about her expectations, etc.)

GOOD LUCK!  I’m sure it will be a fabulous party!!!

Post # 8
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

i can relate. my mom is remarried.  her husband is just this guy she’s married to, not my stepfather.  i dont run things by him at all.  what for?  i  already spoke to my mom.  so i can definitely relate to your frustration.  its not that you have to repeat all the details, its that you dont want to.  You already cleared this with your dad, its his job to talk to her, not yours (this is what i would be thinking).  So i get it.

i have no plans to suddenly develop this warm relationship with my mothers husband, nor do i plan to get to know him better.  im an adult.  their relationship has nothing to do with me.  so i really feel you…

my advice, however, is to suck it up.  if you know she’s in the background having a panic attack, give her a break.  i like the advice to send her a concise email.  that way you dont have to have some false “oh, so glad to hear from you” conversation with her.

Post # 10
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

kowtowing… ahahah… Miss Velveteen, are you Chinese?

She probably just feels out of control and that probably makes her uncomfortable, being out of control in her own home. Is it possible that it’s also just really weird for her to have your mom planning something at her and your dad’s house? Even if they’re on great terms, I can see where that would be awkward.

Maybe she does well with written details and you could give her a list of who is bringing what, a timeline, etc. She sounds a little like my mom (good intentioned but at the core really overly nervous), and I know my mom always calms down when she can tangibly see that I’m being responsible and thinking of the details.

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