(Closed) Frustrated with my husband’s lack of motivation

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
9575 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Unfortunately I don’t know how you can make someone else be motivated. I would lay it all out on the table in a serious talk about how dissapointed you are and how it is negatively affecting your lives. Im frustrated for you! I see a lot of “special snowflake syndrome” in your post where your husband idled away in school for an eternity for a degree he wasn’t even committed to getting… And now will only consider a dream job (that he may or may not get around to applying to). That’s ridiculous. Immature. Spoiled. Selfish. And id tell him just that I guess!

Im with you- looking for a job is a job and you have to cast a wide net, be resilient, and except to apply to many many many if not a hundred gigs before you get a hit. Good luck.

Post # 3
Member
1316 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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anoname1798:  Just because he does not apply to everything that remotely uses his skills does not mean he’s not serious about his job hunt. I’m only learning about the situation from a few paragraphs, so believe me, I don’t know what it’s like on a daily basis – just take this with a grain of salt. I’ve been in his same position, and often times, the thought of applying to everything and anything is really demoralizing because I don’t want a job that I dislike. When I was recently out of my university programs, family members thought I should be applying for everything, but I know myself extremely well, and it was easy to tell if a job was going to make me miserable. That was something my husband didn’t want me to compromise on to make the money easier.

I understand that sacrifies might need to be made in the short term to get some income, and maybe you guys could work out a compromise so that you can get in a better position financially. He has to work something for 6 months, a year, whatever you both feel is best. This is what I did. I took a job that had some small perks for my resume and worked it for several months while I figured out my future plans on the side. It did really solidy my DH and I’s opinion that I shouldn’t go into a job I knew wasn’t right for me from the start unless it’s an emergency – it was really rough on both of us and my motivation took an even bigger hit.

Post # 4
Member
2762 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Oh man Bee I’ve got no useful advice, but I wanted to say that has to suck so badly!

I’d recommend couples counseling or the religious equivalent if you two are religious. It would help rule out if your husband has some sort of underlying clinical depression issues that could be causing or contributing to his lack of motivation AND you’d have a neutral party explaining how this impacts your marriage.

Post # 6
Member
599 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

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MrsBuesleBee:  DUDE. Special snowflake is like, my favorite phrase right now :)))))

Post # 7
Member
9520 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

it sounds like he is suffering from depression. Does it seem like he should see someone? 

Post # 8
Member
268 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

That would drive me nuts! I feel ya, nothing is less attractive to me than an unmotivatived man. Sorry, I don’t have any great advice 🙁 You don’t want to nag, but you also don’t want to make him think that this acceptable… It’s a tough position to be in. I would probably be quite forward and tell him (nicely) that you’re worried he’s not being proactive enough. 

Post # 9
Member
7892 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

How long has it been since he quit the PHD program? What does he do during the day? You said he has a temp position. Could he simply be content with that?

It’s hard to know if he’s depressed or just lazy. Everybody has to start somewhere. It might help if he talks to a career counselor or others in the field of his interest. If you are fully supporting him, you might cut off the “fun” money until he gets into gear. Depression is a whole other issue though. 

Post # 10
Member
2170 posts
Buzzing bee

OP, I could have written this post. I don’t want to nag either, but I am so frustrated. I am working over 40hrs a week in a salaried position that I am not happy with because we are completely reliatnt upong my income for survival. I’m really unsure how to proceed. I try to be supportive but he also doesn’t tell me a lot of what is he doing to find work. He doesn’t want to sell anything we aren’t using to get any kind of cushion, its hard for me to even talk to him at all sometimes.

We are not intimate at all and I don’t even care at this point. Today he actually did laundry and put it away so thats nice but its also needed to be done for a long time and I was just doing my laundry not his! My passive aggressive way of dealing with it. 

I am pretty sure is probably depressed and I am too. I am crying at work over things I used to be strong enough to handle. We don’t have insurance so I have no idea how we would get any kind of therapy or counseling. We are not religious so that is not a route for us. I don’t even know if he would go to therapy. I might seek it out for myself. I daydream about how I really don’t need him in my life anymore and how I would have more money for me if we weren’t together anymore. Its sad, we haven’t even been married a year. 

Part of me doesn’t want to talk to him about it. He is an adult. He knows he isn’t working. Why should I have to talk to him to get him to understand he needs to work? If he doesn’t get that on his own, then I can’t explain it to him. If my working a job that is very unhealthy for me, paying all the bills, doing all the grocery shopping, keeping the place clean, etc. isn’t supporting him enough for him to get a job so we can better our lives, I don’t know what else I can do. I’m not going to have sex with him when he isn’t doing anything for me to be attracted to. That’s where I draw the line. I am sure I am doing a lot wrong in this situation too but I’m maxed out emotionally between work and financial stress. 

Ugh, sorry I don’t have any advice. I don’t wanna threadjack, just commiserate that these situations suck so bad and are hard to navigate. At least we know we are not alone. good luck. 

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