Post # 1
So my father is remarried and he is contributing to the wedding for which I am very very appreciative. However Fiance and I are still contributing quite a bit ourselves. My mother claims she “will pay for things” but has yet to commit, so I am assuming she is not. Her offer is nice, and I say this as I want to preface my complaint with the fact that I am very appreciative of the financial assistance.
However, my mother has been insanely negative about EVERYTHING. I was on the fence about having a wedding, Fiance wanted one, so we are doing something small. My mother has made comments like “can’t the photographer take less pictures to make it cheaper?” which is not possible and not how it works. I told her we were cutting an album out of our package to save on money and instead of being positive or noting my desire to not make it get insanely expensive she says that “no one” looks at their wedding photos. I actually contemplated not hiring one, to which my stepmother and several people told me I would regret.
Fiance is having 3 groomsmen and after much back and forth, I decided to add a third as well. I tell my mother this today and she is accusing me of “changing my mind and not making sense” and I had told her I wanted only 1 attendant to save on costs, and now she is telling me that I am talking out of both sides of my mouth, not watching a budget (to which she is contributing nothing) and that its all spiraling out of control. She’s horrified I am going to have a free engagement photo session as its a “waste of time and who cares” and when I told her that the photographer takes pictures of mother and daughter getting ready, her response was “why?”.
I am seriously considering not inviting her to my wedding. Every time I talk to her I end up angry and crying. I am hoping this will pass but it seems to be getting worse. Anyone else out there that has dealt with this?
Post # 3
i’m sorry. i have the same problem with my mom, but to a lesser degree. could you just back away from talking about the wedding with her for awhile? just stop involving her for a few weeks and then maybe she’ll come around and realize she wants to be involved in a more constructive manner.
Post # 4
I’m sorry you’re going through this with your mom. that sucks! I would say still invite her to your wedding because she’s your mother and you might regret, even though she is a giant pain in the ass, she’s the only mother you have. As far as her comments go, she sounds like a real Debbie Downer. I’m wondering if maybe she’s jealous. But whatever her reason may be, just ignore her and don’t let her ruin things for you. When she says something negative just say “well mom that’s your opinion, but I’m really excited about engagement photos, and I know I will look at my wedding photos.” Don’t try to argue with her or let her make you angry, just try not to let her get to you. I know it’s hard, and that wedding planning is a stressful time and she’s just adding to it, but try to just let her comments go in one ear and out the other.
Post # 5
Your mother could be experiencing a few jealous feelings about your wedding. When a marriage breaks up sometimes weddings bring those memories to the forefront. If you can, have an honest conversation with your mother about how she is making you feel.
Post # 6
My mom is a big fan of sharing her unsolicited opinions as well. I love her dearly, but it can be range from annoying to sending me into tears.
I’ve found that when I know a topic is sensitive to me and I am not interested in hearing her input, I need to stop giving her information. Don’t mention your plans with the photographer or your budget again so she doesn’t get a chance to share. If she asks to contribute, I suggest putting her contribution towards something you don’t care so much about, so when she starts telling you what she thinks it doesn’t send you over the edge.
My mom asked me, with all honesty, if she pays for my wedding dress does that mean she gets to pick it? Sorry mom – you stopped picking my outfits in elementary school!
Post # 7
As I was reading your post I couldn’t help but think of my Future Mother-In-Law. I honestly love her and try to accept her for who she is, but sometimes she can be really irrational and negative. The comments that your mom has made sound a lot like something my Future Mother-In-Law would say, depending on what kind of mood she’s in. When my SO and I first started planning our wedding she seemed really disinterested, which surprised me a lot. Then when we picked our venue (a place we were convinced she would absolutely LOVE), she had nothing but negative things to say. I was honestly baffled and upset because my own mother passed away a few years ago, and I was hoping to do a lot of wedding planning with my Future Mother-In-Law (who lost her daughter many years ago). My SO wasn’t too surprised, as he’s used to dealing with her, but I was really upset. Eventually he told me that the real reason she’s so negative is because she’s not going to be the center of attention, so she’s probably really jealous. I had never considered this, but it sounds like your mother is probably having similar feelings. What I’ve decided to do is only involve my Future Mother-In-Law in the decisions where I can really rely on her expertise, and she can feel “special”. She didn’t seem to have any constructive opinions to offer us on our venue dilemma, so we made the decision without her. However, she’s really into gardening, and knows a ton about flowers, so I’ll definitely be asking her to come along to my florist appointments. Likewise to my bakery appointments. It’s definitely difficult to deal with someone who has a tendency to be a little self-centered, but as long as you realize that those issues really aren’t your problem or responsibility, it’s a lot easier to come away from any negative encounters without feeling so hurt. I hope that you and your mom can patch things up and hopefully she’ll set aside her own issues and try to be happy for you. Good luck!
Post # 8
@cassandrae: I feel your pain. My mother is a pain and always has been. Sharing any details with her would be asking for punishment. I know how difficult it must be because you want your mom to be supportive and happy for you, but that doesn’t always end up being the response you get.
If at all possible (and if you’re comfortable with it), be very decisive in the details you choose to share with her. If it isn’t absolutely necessary for her to know, don’t tell her. I am learning the hard way that we (as brides) have to be very choosy of the people we surround ourselves with in this challenging time. Not everyone will share your vision for your day, but if you surround yourself with uplifting people, it will go a lot smoother.
Post # 9
I can totally relate to this comment. My parents divorced when I was young, and my mother has a rough marriage now, so I almost feel like she’s scared that the same thing will happen to me. She also makes comments that she can’t understand putting in so much effort and $$ into “just one day” as she puts it… I’ve tried to explain that all of these things, like engagement photo sessions, and $1,000+ dresses are almost a standard for weddings today, but she still seems overwhelmed and frustrated. Obviously you’re not required to adhere to these things, but, hey – if the dresses are gorgeous and make you feel beautiful, and if its free session from your photographer – why not splurge!?
I’ve found that the best way to handle this is to sit down with her and ask if she’s upset about something, or if she is worried about something. Let her know you value her opinion and tell her how you feel. While this has the potential to open a can of worms (trust me, I was freaked out when I considered doing this) it could actually open up a good conversation and clear up any misconceptions.
As for paying for part of the wedding – maybe approach it by asking if there is something specific she feels is important that she would like to contribute to. Thats how I had to tackle it with my parents. Maybe she would be interested in flowers, or invitations, or part of the catering? Start small and work your way into it. Good luck!!