Post # 1
So a while ago I talked to my parents and mentioned thinking about getting engaged to them. Now Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have been together about 9 months now, living together for about 3 officially, and we’d aggreed that engagement would happen this summer. They told me they thought we were rushing and why don’t we just live together for a while. I mentioned this, stupidly, to Boyfriend or Best Friend and now when I bring up the timeline he says “no, you’re parents will think its too quick and I don’t want them to think I’m pushing you.” ARGH!!!! It’s not their decision but now Boyfriend or Best Friend doesn’t want to propose because they think we’re rushing. NOT FAIR! Boyfriend or Best Friend and I were on the same page before the conversation with my parents and now it looks like I won’t be getting engaged this summer and I am not happy about this.
Sorry, I’m just really frustrated at this.
ETA: Also my mom said she expected Boyfriend or Best Friend to ask their permission before he proposes. I don’t want him to have to do that. My parents destroyed my previous relationship, and seriously, they don’t get a say! Sigh.
Post # 3
Just remember that the people closest to you usually know what is best for you, and can see things that you can’t see. You have only been together for 9 months so why not enjoy this “newlywed” period of your relationship for a bit longer. Think about how fun extending each period could be. Extending the “newlywed” period of the relationship, then having your engagement period and then you get to have your actual newlywed period.
Also I would be a little concerned that your Boyfriend or Best Friend would change his plans due to your parents’ opinion. This tells me that he is a little immature when it comes to this decision. If he was really sure this was what he wanted to do and felt that you were both two independent individuals he would not care about your parents’ opinion to a degree that he would change his.
Finally you have all of your life to be married, why not enjoy dating for awhile longer?
ETA: I don’t think of it as asking for “PERMISSION” think of it more as asking for their blessing or best wishes. I think it is a sign of respect for your parents not a sign of ownership if it is worded correctly.
Post # 4
Im very sorry you’re going through this. If your Boyfriend or Best Friend is just holding off on proposing solely because of your parents and fearing what they will think, I don’t think it’s fair. But I do think the asking of the parents is a nice formality and showing respect thing which I’m all for – do you think they will say no when the time comes? Could he talk to your parents and say how he feels and why he wants to marry you right now at this stage of your lives? This might make them more comfortable with time frames you and your Boyfriend or Best Friend were thinking. Ultimately though, it should come down to you and your Boyfriend or Best Friend, not your parents wishes for you both.
Post # 5
Maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea to wait until you’re in a place where you can both make important life decisions without parental influence or need for their approval.
Post # 6
If you’re mature enough to get married, you should be mature enough to keep your parents out of your relationship.
Your bf probably wants your parents support but his decision to propose shouldn’t hinge on whether or not they say so.
Maybe living together a little bit longer and getting to know each other more isn’t a bad idea.
Post # 7
I would have to say this is pretty sound advice.
Post # 8
They both have said exactly what I was going to respond with.
I also have to think if your Boyfriend or Best Friend is going by your parents wishes, deep down he is not totally ready himself. If he wanted to get engages this summer…he would.
Post # 9
I’d have been pissed if my dad expected my husband to ask permission before proposing. I had already been living on my own and supporting myself. It’s the same reason I didn’t have my dad give me away at my wedding. I make my own decisions, and I’m not anybody’s to “give away.” If anyone didn’t approve of my marriage, well, tough shit. (actually our parents were thrilled)
Post # 10
Well maybe I’m a little old fashioned, but i think by taking your parents concerns into consideration, he’s just being respectful. Or maybe their comment made him reevaluate things a little?
Anywho, you might want to let him know that you don’t want him to ask your parents when the time comes. Since he’s so concerned about your parents opinions, I would assume that he would probably ask them if you don’t say anything.
Post # 11
I just went back and read some of your older posts, and it sounds like your Boyfriend or Best Friend reached the decision to wait pretty much on his own as well. What is the benefit of rushing to get engaged? You two already live together, have a great relationship, are committed to one another, so what will getting engaged NOW provide?
Post # 12
@SincerelyShe: QUOTE: “Well maybe I’m a little old fashioned, but i think by taking your parents concerns into consideration, he’s just being respectful. Or maybe their comment made him reevaluate things a little?”
Boyfriend or Best Friend knows that my parents’ concerns about my ex — and constant berrating of me about him — were what led to the ultimate breakdown of our relationship. I think he really wants to make a concreted effort to not offend them or get on their bad side in any way and I fully respect him for that. I honestly don’t think he’s reevaluated anything, we’re both still on the same page that we want to get engaged and married but the big question is when.
I told him early on in our relationship because of all the shit with the ex that I didn’t want him to ask my parents’ permission because its really not their call or their say and even though it really is a formality, my parents are very over protective (even though I’m 27) and could potentially make things very ackward. I really wish I mentioned nothing to them about the discussions Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have been having and just surprised them when the time came.
In all of this I don’t blame my boyfriend a bit for being nervous about getting engaged sooner rather than later because of my parents’ statement, I blame my parents for not trusting me and him enough to know what we want. We’ve known since pretty much the first month of dating we were getting engaged but agreed to wait closer to a year exactly because of the social stigma getting engaged “too quickly” holds which is also why my parents’ statement holds so much power because it makes us aware its still not “long enough” to get around the social stigma. At the same time, even we want to be engaged because we love each other more than we’ve loved any of our other partners before and because of the social recognition that affords us. It’s one thing to be “dating” and quite another to be “engaged.”
I’ve moved on from the social stigma of too quick at this point because we are close to a year, but I think Boyfriend or Best Friend is still nervous about that. But let me emphasize again, there is NO DOUBT we will get engaged by either of us.
Post # 13
I think if you’re both 100% ready to get married you should go ahead and do so. But I kinda suspect that if this was enough to make your Boyfriend or Best Friend want to wait then at least part of him also thinks it’s too soon.
Also, while it’s wonderful to know that your relationship is heading toward marriage, it’s really not the end of the world if it takes a little longer to get there. After the wedding it’s still just you and him and your love for one another. And you have that now, so enjoy it!
Post # 14
you’ve already got some good avice here, but i wanted to drop in my two cents. i’ve just read your latest response above, and it worried me slightly that “social stigma” and “social recognition” play such a big part in how/when you are making this decision. maybe it’s true that being engaged is a different status to “just” dating, but in my opinion a healthy, stable relationship is just as valid whether in the “dating” stages or officially engaged. i just don’t think that this should be a reason to get engaged!
about the parental issues – i also have problems regarding my own parents. i don’t want to go into too much personal detail, but the problems they have with our relationship has led my father to refuse to give his blessing to us. this was expected, so we weren’t shocked. we talked over and over what the best way would be to deal with this, because i am actually very close to my family and believe that they will come round at some point (it’s really not to do with my SO and the person that he is, but won’t go into that), and it’s important for both of us that they do so when they are ready. however, SO’s plans for proposal did not change at all after that. he has the utmost respect for my parents even though he has every right to be upset at them, so it’s not out of disrespect to them. we are sticking to what we know is best for us, we are on the same page and doing it for the right reasons (emotional and practical) that we’ve talked about to length.
so yes, i think that if your SO is confident about his decision, he would go forward with it regardless of what your parents say. and it might help to also really think about whether you prioritise your need to “up your status” socially, rather than the core reasons for taking this next step.
Post # 15
@peonia: Okay, then I ask you… why do people get married generally? Boyfriend or Best Friend and I love each other, and committed to each other and live together, how is that different than being married, other than a piece of paper? The social status.
Why do people have weddings and not just walk to the courthouse and get the piece of paper (some do, not knocking that at all)? Because they want to celebrate with their friends and family (i.e. their social circle) that they have found “the one” and they want that recognition.
Now I’m not religious so I’m not knocking the religious element here in terms of religious identification of marriage being “God’s recognition” but beyond that, the only real difference is the social recognition of you as a social unit.
Consider this, there are always long debates on the ettiquite board of who “has” to be invited with a plus one and the consensus is those in a “social unit.” While often this includes those living together, by tradition its those who are married or on their way to marriage (engaged).
Does marriage mean you are more commited to each other? Nope, look at the divorce rate. It just means its harder to leave because you’re more legally entangled.
Marriage is a social construction, but an important social construction. It’s why those who are LGB want marriage, the social status that comes along with saying someone is their spouse, rather than just their long-term committed partner. End of story.
Post # 16
Why are you in such a rush to get engaged after only being with someone for 9 months? Yall haven’t even gotten out of the “honeymoon phase” of your relationship.
And the fact that your Boyfriend or Best Friend is that easily swayed by your parents makes me think that he thinks it might be too soon as well but didn’t want to hurt you by saying so. Your parents opinion gave him an “out”. Not saying he doesn’t love you, but that maybe he isn’t really ready. As much as it can be frustrating you really do NOT want to rush a guy into marriage when he isn’t 100% ready. Just enjoy being together and he will come around when he is ready.