(Closed) Frustrated…parents have put my engagement on hold

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
6597 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

Just remember that the people closest to you usually know what is best for you, and can see things that you can’t see. You have only been together for 9 months so why not enjoy this “newlywed” period of your relationship for a bit longer. Think about how fun extending each period could be. Extending the “newlywed” period of the relationship, then having your engagement period and then you get to have your actual newlywed period.

Also I would be a little concerned that your Boyfriend or Best Friend would change his plans due to your parents’ opinion. This tells me that he is a little immature when it comes to this decision. If he was really sure this was what he wanted to do and felt that you were both two independent individuals he would not care about your parents’ opinion to a degree that he would change his.

Finally you have all of your life to be married, why not enjoy dating for awhile longer? 

ETA: I don’t think of it as asking for “PERMISSION” think of it more as asking for their blessing or best wishes. I think it is a sign of respect for your parents not a sign of ownership if it is worded correctly.

Post # 4
Member
363 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Im very sorry you’re going through this. If your Boyfriend or Best Friend is just holding off on proposing solely because of your parents and fearing what they will think, I don’t think it’s fair. But I do think the asking of the parents is a nice formality and showing respect thing which I’m all for – do you think they will say no when the time comes? Could he talk to your parents and say how he feels and why he wants to marry you right now at this stage of your lives? This might make them more comfortable with time frames you and your Boyfriend or Best Friend were thinking. Ultimately though, it should come down to you and your Boyfriend or Best Friend, not your parents wishes for you both.

Post # 5
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea to wait until you’re in a place where you can both make important life decisions without parental influence or need for their approval.

Post # 6
Member
2204 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

If you’re mature enough to get married, you should be mature enough to keep your parents out of your relationship.

Your bf probably wants your parents support but his decision to propose shouldn’t hinge on whether or not they say so.

Maybe living together a little bit longer and getting to know each other more isn’t a bad idea.

Post # 8
Member
5170 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

@KatyElle:  

@PinkPinstripes:  

They both have said exactly what I was going to respond with.

I also have to think if your Boyfriend or Best Friend is going by your parents wishes, deep down he is not totally ready himself. If he wanted to get engages this summer…he would.

Post # 9
Member
3692 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@PinkPinstripes:  This.  

I’d have been pissed if my dad expected my husband to ask permission before proposing. I had already been living on my own and supporting myself.  It’s the same reason I didn’t have my dad give me away at my wedding.  I make my own decisions, and I’m not anybody’s to “give away.”  If anyone didn’t approve of my marriage, well, tough shit.  (actually our parents were thrilled)

Post # 10
Member
1992 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Well maybe I’m a little old fashioned, but i think by taking your parents concerns into consideration, he’s just being respectful.  Or maybe their comment made him reevaluate things a little? 

Anywho, you might want to let him know that you don’t want him to ask your parents when the time comes.  Since he’s so concerned about your parents opinions, I would assume that he would probably ask them if you don’t say anything.

Post # 11
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I just went back and read some of your older posts, and it sounds like your Boyfriend or Best Friend reached the decision to wait pretty much on his own as well. What is the benefit of rushing to get engaged? You two already live together, have a great relationship, are committed to one another, so what will getting engaged NOW provide?

Post # 13
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

I think if you’re both 100% ready to get married you should go ahead and do so. But I kinda suspect that if this was enough to make your Boyfriend or Best Friend want to wait then at least part of him also thinks it’s too soon.

Also, while it’s wonderful to know that your relationship is heading toward marriage, it’s really not the end of the world if it takes a little longer to get there. After the wedding it’s still just you and him and your love for one another. And you have that now, so enjoy it!

Post # 14
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

you’ve already got some good avice here, but i wanted to drop in my two cents. i’ve just read your latest response above, and it worried me slightly that “social stigma” and “social recognition” play such a big part in how/when you are making this decision. maybe it’s true that being engaged is a different status to “just” dating, but in my opinion a healthy, stable relationship is just as valid whether in the “dating” stages or officially engaged. i just don’t think that this should be a reason to get engaged!

about the parental issues – i also have problems regarding my own parents. i don’t want to go into too much personal detail, but the problems they have with our relationship has led my father to refuse to give his blessing to us. this was expected, so we weren’t shocked. we talked over and over what the best way would be to deal with this, because i am actually very close to my family and believe that they will come round at some point (it’s really not to do with my SO and the person that he is, but won’t go into that), and it’s important for both of us that they do so when they are ready. however, SO’s plans for proposal did not change at all after that. he has the utmost respect for my parents even though he has every right to be upset at them, so it’s not out of disrespect to them. we are sticking to what we know is best for us, we are on the same page and doing it for the right reasons (emotional and practical) that we’ve talked about to length.

so yes, i think that if your SO is confident about his decision, he would go forward with it regardless of what your parents say. and it might help to also really think about whether you prioritise your need to “up your status” socially, rather than the core reasons for taking this next step.

Post # 16
Member
1038 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

 Why are you in such a rush to get engaged after only being with someone for 9 months? Yall haven’t even gotten out of the “honeymoon phase” of your relationship. 

 

And the fact that your Boyfriend or Best Friend is that easily swayed by your parents makes me think that he thinks it might be too soon as well but didn’t want to hurt you by saying so.  Your parents opinion gave him an “out”.  Not saying he doesn’t love you, but that maybe he isn’t really ready.  As much as it can be frustrating you really do NOT want to rush a guy into marriage when he isn’t 100% ready.  Just enjoy being together and he will come around when he is ready. 

 

 

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