Frustrating Friends

posted 2 months ago in Travel
Post # 2
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee

I live in Las Vegas, so quite a few people are always coming to visit me/hang out on the strip for vacation. I don’t have a typical job and can really take off whenever I want, BUT I don’t like to (since I need money). So when people come, I offer them my guest room but let them know that I’ll be working for a bit each day or whatever. They don’t seem to care–there’s plenty of stuff to do here, and they don’t need me around to do it. Also we have a pool and stuff, so they do that too. 

I understand your frustration, but you DONT actually have to take off work for them, and you DONT have to go skiing and so forth with them. They can use your place to crash and do their own thing, and when you’re available you can join them. 

 

OR tell them they can’t stay WITH you (so they’re more independent), and make specific plans for specific times while they’re in town. 

Post # 3
Member
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 1995

I would just let them entertain themselves during the day. When you get home from work you could go out to dinner with them or go to other evening events with them. From what you’ve described they have already visited you before in the past so they should know their way around the area already and have a good idea of what activities they can do.

Post # 4
Member
2307 posts
Buzzing bee

I live in the city of Chicago and it’s a vacation destination.  I’ve been here for 15 years and sometimes people come in a basically use my place as an Airbnb.  I’ll hang out with them for a dinner, but they are on their own for the most part, but still get a free place to stay.

you just need to lay down some boundaries.

Post # 5
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I can understand your frustration, but I think you should begin to tell them what you’re saying here. As you always took off some days and never told them anything, they might just not think what it means for you. And it’s not how your husband said, “they aren’t welcome”, but you need to set boundaries. I think friends and family can understand that without getting mad or resent you.

Additionally, you could try to not take off all of the days, but let your husband entertain them.

Post # 6
Member
3090 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

Have you ever actually spoken up about this at all before this most recent conversation? Because it comes off to me like when you moved there you happily told everyone to come visit and since then have played the role of volunteer tour guide without any complaint and have consistently bent over backwards to make these visits work… But are any of these friends even remotely aware that you have to bend over backwards for these things or that, more importantly, you would prefer not to? 

If you have never given anyone any indication that you actually do not enjoy hosting and taking them around when they visit and would much rather use your PTO for your own vacations, they’re going to continue asking because they think it is mutually enjoyable. 

You can say no without being rude, and you need to start before you build up a bunch of resentment against people you care about who don’t deserve it. 

Your husband is right. You CAN just not take the time off when they are visiting. You CAN ask them to stay elsewhere or to pardon the mess and just let them see your home the way it normally is. You can ask him to do more of the cleaning and prep for guests. You can even just plain say no if and when you’d rather people don’t come visit at all. 

Post # 7
Member
47144 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

We used to be in a similar situation.

You don’t have to say ” You’re not welcome” to not host these people in your home.

” We both are excited to see you again. We are not able to extend an invitation to stay in our home, but here is a list of recommended AirBnB’s and hotels. I’m also including links to some local attractions and information. Let’s plan to do dinner one day and you can update us on your adventures. Tell me which day works best foryou and I will think of a good restaurant.”

Post # 8
Member
4818 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

The problem here is you have taken it on yourself to take time off work even when it was difficult, to bend over backwards to rearrange your schedule and to act as a tour guide when people come and now you are annoyed and taking it out on the friends planning to visit you even though thy aren’t asking you to do this.  

Your husband is right you don’t have to take time off every time someone comes to stay.  Your husband can take a day or two and they can entertain themselves for a day or two and you can all grab dinner in the evening.  This was a valid suggestion from your husband and you then started complaing to him about all the cleaning you would have to do even though you told us that doesn’t really bother you.  You need to figure out what actually bothers you about these visits.

For example, November to after Christmas isn’t what I would describe as no notice. When you were asked about this trip you either say “sorry guys, right after Christmas is just too busy with visiting family and work” or you say “that sounds great, just so you know I’m working the 26th and 27th but I’m free for dinner and the days after that”.

It sounds like you enjoyed these trips and acting as the tour guide at one point but since that changed you haven’t communicated that to anyone, your husband, family and friends aren’t mind readers particularly if you acted excited about going skiing or the other activities initially. 

Post # 9
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

You need to figure out what is actually bothering you. At first you said it’s that you are taking time off and using your vacation days and then have none to do what you really want, but when he suggested not taking time off you told him that wasnt the point….  “that’s not the point. I’m the one who cleans the house and gets everything ready for them, and then I’m the one who cleans the house after they leave. I don’t think it’s fair that I have to do all this prep work for a visit I don’t get to enjoy.

What would you enjoying their visit look like?..

You husband is right. You don’t have to take time off. You don’t have to be a tour guide. You set the boundaries. I have family in hawaii, the rule is you can stay for 5 nights and bring groceries. But they don’t take time off, we entertain ourselves and do dinner most nights. I would never expect them to take off work, and if they did I would assume they wanted to. Do your friends really trash your house when they come to stay? The question is what would you like to do while they are in town?

We’re thinking of coming this summer- “You guys are welcome to stay with us we would love to see you, I won’t be able to take time off work while you are there, but I’ll have evenings and my days off.” That’s the logical response. If the house work is the problem ask them to strip their beds when they leave or vaccum or something…

Post # 10
Member
1831 posts
Buzzing bee

It’s not that hard to tell people no. 

Them: We want to come out for vacation on x date. 

You: Great! We aren’t able to host on those dates but I’m happy to pass along some good hotel recommendations and we could probably meet you for dinner one night while your here after I get off work. 

Them: is there another set of dates that work better for you? 

You: We just aren’t able to host guests at the moment, it’s a busy time for us. But let me know if you need any recommendations for the area. 

You simply have to establish a new pattern with people. You’ve been doing too much and you just have to adjust expectations. You aren’t a vacation home, that is your home. 

 

 

justwondering2015 :  

Post # 11
Member
1289 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I agree with the others – you don’t need to take time off work to entertain your family and friends. Set them up so they do their own thing and you hang out in the evenings. Surely they can go skiing on their own without someone taking them. It also sounds like your husband is willing to entertain as well, so why don’t you let him? 

Post # 12
Member
1376 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Bee this sounds like a problem you created simply because you’re too busy trying to be a people pleaser.  Stop doing that and create boundaries for yourself and your visitors.  This was totally in your control from the beginning.

Post # 13
Member
410 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

They should not be staying in your house. They should be renting a hotel, planning their own days, and meeting up with you when you are available. You are right to feel abused.

Post # 14
Member
2499 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I think the problem here is for several years, you have set the standard that there is nothing wrong with this set up.  How are they to know your vacation day liminations?  Or the fact that you don’t want to do your job on your vacation?  They don’t.  I’m sure to them, your terse response came out of left field because you’ve never voiced anything until you were already over your frustration limit.

Depending on the level of interaction that you would like to have with them, set the standard at your home to meet that.  If you don’t mind using one of your days off to entertain (not a vacation day, simply a “weekend” day, whatever day that happens to fall on for you), then tell them you are free on xyz and would love to spend time with them, but will be tied up with work the rest of the time.  And since you will be working while they are in your area, it would be easiest if they could get a hotel and then you guys meet up for dinner a time or two while they are in town.  Or suggest a good vrbo rental, etc.  They’ll get the idea.

I’m in the same situation as you with vacation time.  On average I take abt 5 days off a year (not including weekends or the holidays I get off) and I am very protective of my time off.  When family visit, if they want to spend time with us, they know to visit on a long holiday weekend.

Post # 15
Member
7778 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

 

I think there are two separate issues here: 1) annoyance at your friends for being a bit presumptuous about when they can visit; 2) frustration that your current job situation doesn’t give you the flexibility to travel as much as you’d like.

As for #1, pp’s have made good suggestions. I’d tell them you’d love to see them but can’t commit to hosting right now, and direct them to airbnbs. Let your husband entertain them or let them entertain themselves while they’re here rather than you taking hard-earned vacay time to do it. That should be a no brainer.

As for #2 – if you want to travel more, maybe look into getting a different job with better vacation time? Not sure what other solution there is for that. I feel you…I’m a freelancer so I don’t get paid vacations at all. It blows. But …it is what it is, unless or until I decide to go back to the world of salaried work. 

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