Frustrating Friends

posted 2 months ago in Travel
Post # 16
Member
2412 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

You seem very unhappy, in general. Don’t like visitors, your lack of vacation days, the fact that your husband doesn’t want to travel internationally, etc. I’m thinking you need to sit down and think about what would make you happy & actively work towards that. 

Post # 17
Member
2971 posts
Sugar bee

justwondering2015 :  I get it.

I live in SoCal and everyone who comes to visit wants to go to Hollywood and Disneyland and shopping.

But what i have learned is, IF i can take some time off, cool. I can do some things with them and take them around. But usually, I work at least part of the time they are here and let them entertain themselves. 

If they want to stay home and have a lazy day, great. If they want to uber somewhere or take a bus to explore – ill see ya later! You dont HAVE to take off the whole time they are here (or at all). You can maybe get them a coupon to your work or they can come visit you. Have dinner together in the evenings. You can still host them without taking time off. 

Post # 18
Member
5770 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

“so I had to bend over backward, and bargain with my boss to get the days following Christmas off.”

No, you didn’t. You chose to do that. I live in California, in a vacation destination that people love to visit. I have never taken time off work to host people who came to visit unless I wanted to. And I don’t play tour guide unless I want to. You have chosen to do this and you should take responsibility for that. Because then, that means that you can choose to do something else.

The whole “blood boiling” thing is also entirely your fault. It’s because you have waited too long to establish some boundaries. As many others have already said, you can just let them know that you aren’t available to host when they reach out. In fact, I would say “Have a wonderful vacation! I’ll be working on those dates and we won’t be able to host but there are some great accommodations out here in (blank) neighborhood and it would be great to get together for dinner one evening while you’re here.”

I bet a big part of the reason they’re coming out so frequently is because you are basically subsidizing their vacations with housing and tourist activities. Stop doing that.

Post # 19
Member
3449 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

justwondering2015 :  I know exactly what you’re dealing with! I move regularly for work, and always to some destination that my friends/family back home have been meaning to get to but haven’t due to cost, language barrier, etc. And then, of course, there are the acquaintances that masquerade as friends because they want a free place to stay in a locale they otherwise wouldn’t get to visit. I’m not in the tourism industry, but I love hosting/hospitality and am very well known for it in my circle. I have had to get a bit more direct with informing folks who inquire about what time(s) of year I’d be available to host them. Also, I’ve found that if I’m a little less “helpful” in the initial stages, it helps guests manage their expectations. When I’m all gung ho about finding flights and sending them tons of potential activities and asking about their favorite breakfast foods to stock in the fridge, they seem to expect professional tour guide/B&B treatment. (Actually, I made a thread about this in which a houseguest expected me to personally absorb the cost of an excursion she had to miss; I’d gotten too involved in the booking process and inadvertently caused her to think of me as a vendor)  

I wouldn’t sign on for the hosting + working option. Even if your husband is available to entertain them during business hours, as you are primarily responsible for the household chores (and you are apparently more inclined toward taking care of guests), you might find yourself quite overwhelmed with looking after all the hosting requirements on top of working. Even with events that don’t involve me such as when my husband hosts a BBQ for his coworkers and he swears I won’t have to do anything, I still find myself sweeping the yard and whipping up potato salad (or whatever else he didn’t think to do) at the last minute. Good luck with all this. I know it can get really stressful. 

Post # 20
Member
2860 posts
Sugar bee

Just. Say. No.

Just because someone wants to come visit you doesn’t mean you’re obligated to have them. You’re not a bed and breakfast. Tell them that it’s not a good time because you don’t have enough vacation time/don’t have time to get the house ready etc. That’s all you have to do.

If they really want to come then they can get a hotel and you can have dinner with them a couple of evenings when you have time. 

Post # 21
Member
3449 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

TwilightRarity :  Ok, you didn’t have to read me like that. Lol. 

Post # 22
Member
5770 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Overjoyed :  LOL

I remember a couple of your posts about hospitality, hosting and guests, too. I guess it’s easy to expect that because we would be considerate of certain things when we are guests that others will do the same. But they don’t!

Post # 23
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2020

You have gotten a lot of great advice on this thread.  This is all about boundaries and clear communication.  It is sometmes hard to step back when you have been rolling out the red carpet, but I think it will be better in the long run if you can be upfront about your constraints and your expectations while you have visitors.  And if your husband can take off a few days to entertain people – could he not also pick up the house a bit and lend a hand for that short period of time?   

For myself, I don’t have friends who live in touristy destinations, but if I did I would absolutely be fine with being left on my own to do my own vacation.  Maybe that is the introvert in me, but overscheduled/overplanned vacation with lots of facetime would just not be relaxing for me.  You are being absolutely generous by giving people a place to stay for free – that is a huge savings and no one would expect you to then be the tour guide for several days too.

Give some thought to what you want and what would make you happy.  You do seem unhappy and as though things are “happening” to you – you have the power to make this what you want it to be! 

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