FSIL as Bridesmaid — Long Post

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
2707 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

Nope.  There’s no rule which says you have to have her as a bridesmaid (my sis and i weren’t bridesmaids in our brothers wedding, and I didn’t have my SIL as a bridesmaid) and from the sounds of it, you don’t really want her as a bridesmaid anyway.  If your FH wants her in the wedding she can stand up with him.

Post # 3
2655 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Whilst it’s nice to ask your FI’s siblings to be a part of your bridal party, it is by no means a requirement. If you don’t want to ask your Future Sister-In-Law. (and I wouldn’t really want to either based on what you have shared), then don’t. If your Fiance. feels so strongly about having his sister involved, he can have her stand on his side or you can ask her to perform some other role (such as do a reading during the ceremony).

FWIW, I have 3 SILs and I only asked 1 of them to be a bridesmaid when I married their brother. Darling Husband. doesn’t really get a long with 1 of the other sisters so asked that she not be involved (she and I get along but are not close). Whilst I also get along with the other sister, she and I are not close at all. I am close with the sister I asked, as is Darling Husband, so it made sense to ask just her. I have 2 younger brothers and would never expect their future spouses to ask me to be a bridesmaid – your bridesmaids should be people you are closest with and cannot imagine getting married without.

Post # 5
1814 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Don’t know where you got that rule from bee but even if it did exist, there’s no way in hell I’d ask someone who acts like they hate me to stand beside me at my wedding…..nope, no way, no how…..IL’s be damned!

Post # 6
12683 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Etiquette sources do say it’s a nice, inclusive gesture, but it is not obligatory. I would not ask her in your place, either, and I almost always would. 

However, since she is going to be your sister in law, hopefully for a long time, I think it’s worth clearing the air with her. I’d be honest about what you were told, let her know that if true you are hurt by it, and ask if there’s anything you’ve done on your end to offend her. You never know. She sounds very immature, but I would at least make an attempt to repair the relationship. 

A moot point, but drinking age is irrelevant. A bridesmaid does not have to attend drinking nights out, including a bachelorette to stand up with you. 

Post # 7
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

She gave information to FI’s ex which enabled ex to find you to physcially assault you? surprised

I wouldn’t have her as a bridesmaid for that. IF anyone on FI’s side says anything about her not being a bridesmaid, I’d tell them that’s why.

I went on a works hen do at 16 and had soft drinks (we can drink at 18 in the UK) and it was no issue. I wouldn’t have her at yours though, even if she could join you in clubs and have soft drinks, as I wouldn’t trust her not to blab about the location etc. to the ex.

Post # 8
920 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 1984

aregularanon :  I’m all for etiquette primarily because, for me, a wedding is about inclusivity and symoblically joining the families. Including Future Sister-In-Law is a nice way to do that.

However, if it’s true that she gave the ex details which then lead to harrassment and physical attacks, this very much changes things. This is very serious and needs to be addressed. Have you told your Fiance what you know? What does he think? 

While my boys are all adults now, I would have wanted to know if my 18 year old was involved in something like that. If you haven’t already done so, I really do think you need to tell her parents about what the ex told you.

ETA – I know you want to avoid family drama but, I can’t say it enough, this is very serious behaviour which was stressful and now has you living in fear. This is not right and Future Sister-In-Law needs to be spoken to.

Post # 9
1034 posts
Bumble bee

I wouldn’t have this person in my life. Let alone my bridal party.

Nopity nope nope nope!

Post # 10
88 posts
Worker bee

I didn’t even have to read the whole post to tell you that you should NOT ask her to be a bridesmaid.  There is no rule saying that you have to and the fact that all you do is wave to each other when you see each other is reason enough not to ask her.  You choose your bridesmaids based on who you feel closest too.  They are the people who are standing up for you on one of the biggest days of your life.

When I married my ex husband we had a small wedding and only my sister was the maid of honour.  My ex’s sister had no part in the wedding.

When me and my SO get married his sister wont be part of my wedding party either.  And not because I dont like her or she is mean.  She is actually an amazing person and was so quick to welcome me and my daughter into the family.  But I am just not as close to her as the people that I do want in my wedding.

Be prepared though.  Your Future Sister-In-Law will probably start shit because she is not in the party.  She sounds like she is entitled and loves to start drama.  Just stand your ground if she does.  It’s your wedding so you do what you want to do.

Post # 11
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Nope, nope, nope! Even if your Future Sister-In-Law was perfectly lovely, there is no rule that you need to include her and no one should be making assumptions. You don’t even need to explain yourself either if asked but in this case I would.

Post # 13
920 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 1984

aregularanon :  Wow! This cavalier attitude is so unfortunate. Her behaviour is outrageous and needs to be corrected ASAP. ((hugs)) such a scary and difficult situation to be in.

Will your in laws give you grief if you exclude her? I mean, of course you can’t so they’ll have to suck it up but it may be a way to tell them what the ex said. And, just to be clear, the booze thing is the least of your worries.

ETA – I’m an ICU RN – you should absolutely have pressed charges. A person like this has no business taking care of vulnerable human beings. At best it shows a complete lack of judgement and, at worst, it exposes her ugly nature.

Post # 15
920 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 1984

aregularanon :  As long as you have the support of Fiance and he understands your position then so be it. I’m surprised that your FIL’s didn’t give YOU the benefit of the doubt. Afterall, they raised their son and I’m assuming that they did a good job so, naturally, he would choose his partner wisely – and obviously he did!

Hopefully your very immature Future Sister-In-Law grows up, understands what she did and eventually apologizes.

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