Post # 1
I am a regular bee on an anon account. I am pretty active within the community however, for this specific post, I want to be anonymous since it does deal with some (minor) legal stuff that I’d prefer not be tagged to me.
So it’s time to start thinking about bridesmaids and who I want to ask. This post is about asking my Future Sister-In-Law. Now according to etiquette, this is a no brainer. However, there are a few reasons why I’m just slightly hesitant. Before I get started, I just want to say that her and I are civil. We are ‘friends’, if we see eachother in public we wave but do not stop and talk ( we go to same university — I’ve tried being friendly but she acts like she doesn’t know me so that’s fine ), and we’re friendly if we’re together with the family. So there’s no real ‘drama’ or outbursts between us. So here is why I’m hesitant to ask her:
1.) A year and a half ago, an incident happend with my FH’s ex and long story short I ended up having to take legal action. She had physically assaulted me on a night out with FH, followed me home (on more than one occasion), had her FRIENDS physically assault my FH at a tailgate and then other means classified under stalking + threats. So come to find out FH’s sister had said some pretty nasty stuff to the ex right after this happened and they’re still buddy-buddy, and *alledgedly* gave her info regarding where I live and other personal info.. Honestly I could care less if they’re friends, but why this bothers me making her apart of my bridal party is I am TERRIFIED of anything happening again due to the nature of my potential career. I do not feel like I can trust her to not spew details or somehow get her involved in any way. I still to this day can’t go out without feeling unneasy that some shit is going to hit the fan. And the complaint against her will be lifted this October regardless which makes me more unneasy. **Note, Future Sister-In-Law doesn’t actually know I know she said this stuff to ex. Ex actually told me in the middle of one of her outbursts hahaha
2.) She really just does not seem like she even likes me at all. Obviously, since she’s still buddy-buddy with his ex I kind of get it but still – why would I want someone who doesn’t really like me next to me on such a big day? Of course etiquette trumps feelings but still. Kind of sucks and definitely a point in my mind. She’s just not that nice in general.
3.) She’s 18 and the rest of my bridesmaids will be 22+ yrs old and to be blunt – I want to be able to drink. She will not be able to and my Future Mother-In-Law will flip her absolute shit if she found out she went out drinking with us. Even if it was just champagne at a bridal shower.
Not really sure what to do. I could honestly just deal with 2 + 3 but 1 has been on my mind for a long time (like before we got engaged) and I’m scared. I just want to not have to worry about this but she (ex) is crazy. Future Sister-In-Law is also super flighty and emotional so although I thought about taking her out to dinner and sitting her down and setting boundaries and what not, I don’t think she’d handle it well and the last thing I want is family drama. Help!!!!!!!!!
Post # 2
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
Nope. There’s no rule which says you have to have her as a bridesmaid (my sis and i weren’t bridesmaids in our brothers wedding, and I didn’t have my SIL as a bridesmaid) and from the sounds of it, you don’t really want her as a bridesmaid anyway. If your FH wants her in the wedding she can stand up with him.
Post # 3
Whilst it’s nice to ask your FI’s siblings to be a part of your bridal party, it is by no means a requirement. If you don’t want to ask your Future Sister-In-Law. (and I wouldn’t really want to either based on what you have shared), then don’t. If your Fiance. feels so strongly about having his sister involved, he can have her stand on his side or you can ask her to perform some other role (such as do a reading during the ceremony).
FWIW, I have 3 SILs and I only asked 1 of them to be a bridesmaid when I married their brother. DH. doesn’t really get a long with 1 of the other sisters so asked that she not be involved (she and I get along but are not close). Whilst I also get along with the other sister, she and I are not close at all. I am close with the sister I asked, as is DH, so it made sense to ask just her. I have 2 younger brothers and would never expect their future spouses to ask me to be a bridesmaid – your bridesmaids should be people you are closest with and cannot imagine getting married without.
Post # 4
Thank you ladies! I thought there was an unspoken rule that future sibilings had to be apart of the ceremony so that’s why I was stressing!!
Post # 5
Don’t know where you got that rule from bee but even if it did exist, there’s no way in hell I’d ask someone who acts like they hate me to stand beside me at my wedding…..nope, no way, no how…..IL’s be damned!
Post # 6
Etiquette sources do say it’s a nice, inclusive gesture, but it is not obligatory. I would not ask her in your place, either, and I almost always would.
However, since she is going to be your sister in law, hopefully for a long time, I think it’s worth clearing the air with her. I’d be honest about what you were told, let her know that if true you are hurt by it, and ask if there’s anything you’ve done on your end to offend her. You never know. She sounds very immature, but I would at least make an attempt to repair the relationship.
A moot point, but drinking age is irrelevant. A bridesmaid does not have to attend drinking nights out, including a bachelorette to stand up with you.
Post # 7
She gave information to FI’s ex which enabled ex to find you to physcially assault you?
I wouldn’t have her as a bridesmaid for that. IF anyone on FI’s side says anything about her not being a bridesmaid, I’d tell them that’s why.
I went on a works hen do at 16 and had soft drinks (we can drink at 18 in the UK) and it was no issue. I wouldn’t have her at yours though, even if she could join you in clubs and have soft drinks, as I wouldn’t trust her not to blab about the location etc. to the ex.
Post # 8
I’m all for etiquette primarily because, for me, a wedding is about inclusivity and symoblically joining the families. Including Future Sister-In-Law is a nice way to do that.
However, if it’s true that she gave the ex details which then lead to harrassment and physical attacks, this very much changes things. This is very serious and needs to be addressed. Have you told your Fiance what you know? What does he think?
While my boys are all adults now, I would have wanted to know if my 18 year old was involved in something like that. If you haven’t already done so, I really do think you need to tell her parents about what the ex told you.
ETA – I know you want to avoid family drama but, I can’t say it enough, this is very serious behaviour which was stressful and now has you living in fear. This is not right and Future Sister-In-Law needs to be spoken to.
Post # 9
I wouldn’t have this person in my life. Let alone my bridal party.
Nopity nope nope nope!
Post # 10
I didn’t even have to read the whole post to tell you that you should NOT ask her to be a bridesmaid. There is no rule saying that you have to and the fact that all you do is wave to each other when you see each other is reason enough not to ask her. You choose your bridesmaids based on who you feel closest too. They are the people who are standing up for you on one of the biggest days of your life.
When I married my ex husband we had a small wedding and only my sister was the maid of honour. My ex’s sister had no part in the wedding.
When me and my SO get married his sister wont be part of my wedding party either. And not because I dont like her or she is mean. She is actually an amazing person and was so quick to welcome me and my daughter into the family. But I am just not as close to her as the people that I do want in my wedding.
Be prepared though. Your Future Sister-In-Law will probably start shit because she is not in the party. She sounds like she is entitled and loves to start drama. Just stand your ground if she does. It’s your wedding so you do what you want to do.
Post # 11
Nope, nope, nope! Even if your Future Sister-In-Law was perfectly lovely, there is no rule that you need to include her and no one should be making assumptions. You don’t even need to explain yourself either if asked but in this case I would.
Post # 12
Thank you so much everyone for your replies!
She is the type of person who wants to please anyone she feels is “of value” or “cool”, so honestly she probably was just trying to fit in to the shit talking at hand but yeah it’s pretty much confirmed that she did it. But again, I didn’t hear it out of her mouth myself. It doesn’t help that ex is a wild compulsive liar so who knows what details Future Sister-In-Law got..
FH knows of the situation of assault (he was there) and he came with me when I initially was going to file with the police department, but I ended up not doing anything because his family was giving me SO much shit for being “dramatic” about it. So I ended up doing the filing by myself and he doesn’t know that I actually did it. I’ve brought up how it bothers me that Future Sister-In-Law openly talks to/about ex and doesn’t give me the time of day, and I’ve tried hinting that she is saying more than she says she is. He doesn’t believe it and insists that they don’t talk. But I don’t know why they would be posting all over each other’s social media platforms if they didn’t talk, at the very least, ya know?
She is EXTREMELY entitled and immature and I fully expect her to raise hell.
Looking back at the situation I should have pressed charges, however, ex is in nursing school and I felt really bad about literally ruining her career – an assault charge doesn’t look great on a nurse’s background check.
Post # 13
Wow! This cavalier attitude is so unfortunate. Her behaviour is outrageous and needs to be corrected ASAP. ((hugs)) such a scary and difficult situation to be in.
Will your in laws give you grief if you exclude her? I mean, of course you can’t so they’ll have to suck it up but it may be a way to tell them what the ex said. And, just to be clear, the booze thing is the least of your worries.
ETA – I’m an ICU RN – you should absolutely have pressed charges. A person like this has no business taking care of vulnerable human beings. At best it shows a complete lack of judgement and, at worst, it exposes her ugly nature.
Post # 14
Yeah they probably will honestly. But like, on the flip side, she’s not going to ask me to be in her bridal party so to me it doesn’t really matter. I really don’t get the drama behind not being asked to be in a bridal party but I already know she’s going to be super sensitive about it.
So I didn’t include this, it wasn’t relevant at first, but they know of the situation. That night, ex got kicked out of the venue and banned, and I guess she was mad but she told her mother (LOL) that basically everything she’d been doing to me, I did to her. She flipped the entire situation and added NASTY details that were far from the truth. Her mother then reached out to his parents via FB message and told them this. This nearly crushed my relationship with FH’s parents – and we were just dating. They don’t know that FH got the message and showed it to me, so I know what they saw, but it was bad. They didn’t trust me for a WHILE even though it was a lie. So I really want to avoid bringing this up with THEM at all costs. Especially since they gave me so much grief over filing with police.
Yeah looking back I definitely should have
Post # 15
As long as you have the support of Fiance and he understands your position then so be it. I’m surprised that your FIL’s didn’t give YOU the benefit of the doubt. Afterall, they raised their son and I’m assuming that they did a good job so, naturally, he would choose his partner wisely – and obviously he did!
Hopefully your very immature Future Sister-In-Law grows up, understands what she did and eventually apologizes.