(Closed) FSIL asked me not to be there…

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 32
Member
665 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Brush it off and forget about it, I would be upset also but it wont make anything better if you say something. She is a stressed bride and at that point where she is trying to control everything. Fiance needs to tell her that the two of you will be arriveing together, and you, being as curteous as you are, knew they would want family time so you have made arrangements to do your own thing. He should also say that you are part of the family as you are “betrothed”

I know this is a funny way to look at it but…: Kate middleton wouldnt have been able to spend xmas at the palace if they weren’t engaged before the holidays, they got engaged and then they considered her part of the family – good enough for royalty good enough for you!

Post # 33
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@Nic01:  Maybe she has a special relationship with her brother and wants to have some time with him before the wedding. 

I think I get it, I would want some private time with my sister before my wedding (we are very close) but not with her husband. Nothing personal against him, but he is my family “by law” not the family that raised me.  

Especially since you and her don’t have a close relationship why should she want you there? No offense to you but as I said maybe she wants private time with immediate family and would feel uncomfortable having you there.

Also don’t go with the “where he goes I go” “we do everything together” “if you invite one you have to also have the other” it’s not a nice attitude for a couple in general.

If she was organizing  a dinner party and excluded you then you would have every right to be upset, but this is the hour before she gets married, an emotional and private time. Try to imagine it viceversa, if you were getting ready for your wedding, You envision yourself having some private time, maybe with your mother, or a sibling your close to, maybe reminiscing about your childhood, or teenage years. would you want someone around your not too keen on? or would you want only your nearest and dearest?

As i said, don’t take it personally, I’m sure this is just the way she envisioned her pre-wedding moments, I think if you made a fuss about it you would come across as rude and insensitive. 

Post # 34
Member
7365 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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@walnutgirl:  Also don’t go with the “where he goes I go” “we do everything together” “if you invite one you have to also have the other” it’s not a nice attitude for a couple in general.

Ditto.

Post # 35
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I must say I’m amused by the double standard on here sometimes.

So for most bees the wedding is “your day” and you should do what you want and ecc..

But here this poor girl requests her bridesmen to arrive a bit early without his Fiance, who anyway isn’t in the  bridal party and with whom she doesn’t even have a close relationship and everyone is up in arms about how rude she is?!

I’d love to know how many of these people who are calling this girl rude actually got ready with their bridesmaids Maid/Matron of Honor or bridesmen’s FIs/wives/husbands because they are a couple and  He should tell her no, that you are both a package deal.  That’s what engagement/marriage means, 

Because that’s such a healthy way of viewing a relationship!

 

Post # 36
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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@bklynbridetobe:  As I said in my second post, I just find it an unhealthy attitude for couples to have, in my experience couples who follow the “we are a package deal how dare you want to spend time with only one of us” mantra are the ones that end up alone.

Post # 37
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think if he in the bridal party then I understand her reasoning. I like all spouses of my bridal party, but my I don’t think I want them in the room. Find something to do that morning. Also you can schedule your trail for another day as it isn’t a must. Perhaps the best thing to do is have your Fi drive up with someone in the bridal party, and you drive up alone and he could leave with you later.

 

Post # 38
Member
1074 posts
Bumble bee

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@walnutgirl:  Wait I may have misunderstood the OP. My undestanding was that the Future Sister-In-Law wanted to have family time before the wedding, as in her whole family not just her brother. If that was the case I stand by what I said, as a soon-to-be member of the family asking for the OP to not be there during family time IS rude. However if this was sibling-only time that would be completely different. In that case couples should be cool with being apart for that sort of thing. 

Post # 39
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

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@walnutgirl:  

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@bklynbridetobe:  

I also agree! If he she being rude or leaving her out of family time I could kind of see where she coming from. However I don’t think asking her brother to come in and get ready or be there an hour early when he is in the bridal party is asking too much.  I think for myself I don’t get too upset when I go to weddings and Fi is in the bridal party. I just try to meet the other so in the bridal party so I have people to talk too and sit with at the ceremony. I’ve also gone site seeing alone, slept in. It’s a few hours I think any functioning adult should be able to handle themselves.

Post # 40
Member
5657 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Nic01:  I could be misunderstanding, but is it that your plan is for him to wait and drive up with you and she wants him to come up earlier even if he has to drive alone? I don’t really find that to be all that unreasonable. What is weird is that if she wants her brother there early, doesn’t she want her dad there early too?

So confused!

Post # 41
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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@batwoman:  I was under the impression that the bride wanted selected members of the family to be there, since she hasn’t even invited her own father. So I don’t see why a future sister in law to whom she isn’t really close and who isn’t a part of the bridal party should be offended to not be included.

The phrase “family time” could also mean “sibling time” since siblings are family. 

Post # 42
Member
10635 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

I can understand why you’re hurt, but I don’t think it’s an odd request.  I think it’s normal to want to be around those you’re closest to, getting married is a big change for some people and it’s a bit of a goodbye to the people you grew up with.  She might have gifts and doesn’t want to exclude people who are present.

Can you find alternate transportation so you’re not stuck travelling with Future Father-In-Law and don’t have to have your appointment so early?  Maybe a ride with a relative you get along better with?

Post # 43
Member
7365 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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@walnutgirl: The phrase “family time” could also mean “sibling time” since siblings are family.

ITA! And I agree with you post #34 regarding the double standards. How many times in the Bridesmaid or Best Man board do you hear “If the bride wants to do XYZ that’s what you signed up for” So whats the problem in this instance? It’s one hour from the ceremony. That isn’t not a huge amount of time. So I really dont understand why she’s being vilified for asking that her “bridal party” (which includes the brother) to be there earlier. Whats the big deal? As far as the father not being asked, who cares (maybe they aren’t that close) so what does that have to with the price of rice in China. 

Post # 44
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

so what does that have to with the price of rice in China. 

Ahah! Love it!!

I mean “family time” could also mean brunch with your mum, does that mean she has to also bring her partner? 

Post # 45
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Obviously we don’t know your entire history with your Future Sister-In-Law, but to me, it sounded like she wanted her wedding party there earlier than you would be able to arrive since you have hair and make up scheduled in the morning. Therefore, she would appreciate her brother being able to come up earlier without you. If she’s usually cold and dismissive of your relationship with your Fiance, I would understand you being upset, but if you generally have a good relationship with her, I’d probably just let it go. If you don’t want your Fiance to go earlier without you, could you reschedule your appointment earlier or find some other way to accomodate his duties in the wedding party that would allow him to get there earlier (maybe just get your hair done and do your own makeup to save time)? I know that on my wedding day, my brother and SIL (half of our wedding party) didn’t arrive until about 20 minutes before my ceremony and it was pretty stressful waiting for them to get there and worrying because they had gotten lost. If the wedding party is large, maybe she just wants everyone there early enough that there isn’t a lot of last minute stress trying to get everyone organized and where they’re supposed to be.

Post # 46
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

She should be able to say what time she wants her bridal party there, but should not be able to determine your method of transportation or who you drive with (unless the brial party is all going together in the same car).   If I were in your shoes, I’d just drive up with your fiance (only if the time worked for me) and then keep amused with local attractions, a coffee, shop, a walk, or a book…or anything!  Until the wedding time.  It really should be your fiance asking her “What time do you need me there?” and then you guys work around that.  And I wouldn’t worry too much about her only wanting him there, and not you – just seems like a bridal party thing that just happened to be communicated really awkwardly.

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