Post # 31
Sorry bee, you may see it as a “fun laid-back best friends trip,” but it is still your wedding, and just because you’re doing something non-traditional doesn’t mean it isn’t just as emotionally loaded for people in your life. Honestly, you are lucky that the sister is the only one making waves, and everyone else seems to be understanding.
Maybe the sister can just come up for the ceremony and however long you’re there afterwards, and you can have your intimate best friends trip experience in the days beforehand?
Post # 32
The numbers and list do make it awkward. 10 people is 10 people you decided over your husbands sister (or he decided since he was equally as responsible, or more responsible, for thinking of his sister). It would be heaps easier if you each only invited 1 friend or couple and your sister wasn’t going. I agree with PPs who suggested inviting her and making it 11. I don’t really understand why that can’t be done. And apologise profusely. Whether you meant it or not it’s a bit of an oversight.
Post # 33
I’d be upset in FI’s family’s place, too. It would have been one thing if you had eloped, but your five person limit includes plenty of friends, and your own sister but no one from his family at all.
Etiquette is not about the need to throw a large, traditional wedding. It’s just as acceptable to have a small and intimate wedding as it is a large, formal one. It’s about how you treat people. What you did was inevitably and predictably going to hurt feelings.
Post # 34
Is this real, how incredibly selfish. How hurtful and thoughtless??? I just don’t see how you don’t understand why she would feel left out and hurt. She’s his ONLY sibling? That’s just wrong and honestly sad.
Why can’t you include her (+1) like her husband and make it an even 12 not including you and your FI?
Post # 35
If my sister did this to me, I would be devastated. It would take a long time to come back from that. I don’t see the harm in having family there. Are your friends really more important than your Future Sister-In-Law and your parents?
I find you to be extremely selfish in this instance.
Post # 36
This is so interesting to me. I tend to think weddings are FIRST about the people standing up and promising to share their lives and that what makes the magick of that moment work is having a setting and people around them who support them (I know everyone doesn’t get to have that experience, though). My family knows I tend to do things in my own way and I’ve already had several relatives tell me “Well, we know it’s going to be unique and you, even if we aren’t sure exactly what all is happening.” SUPPORTING me/us. So I’m inclined to think you should do whatever the hell you want for YOUR wedding.
That doesn’t mean there are no consequences for doing whatever you want. I’d be very hurt if I wasn’t invited to my brother’s wedding while a bunch of other people were. I’d be hurt for a while- not long enough to cut him out of my life forever, though, God dang. We’d have a conversation and I’d let him know I was mad and hurt and I’d probably talk shit to relatives behind his back and make pissy comments about it whenever I’d had some wine at a family gathering for a few years- like sensible people do. 😉
I have to say, though, I also think that since your FI’s sister isn’t close enough to her brother to call HIM about attending his wedding, it kinda proves the point that they aren’t that close and he doesn’t need to invite her if it’s only out of obligation. If she has to call mommy and daddy to make her brother invite her to his wedding… eh. And to try to force YOU to bring her- lord- these are the things that make joining another person’s family so damn annoying.
Either way this is going to be awkward now- whether you change your arbitrary rule about numbers and invite her along and she’s there sticking out like a swollen third nipple or you don’t and people are offended. Good luck with your choice and with your wedding. I hope you have much fun launching your marriage, no matter what you decide to do.
Post # 37
Ah, I forgot to add: I don’t think you and your Fiance are selfish or horrible people for wanting to make your wedding about you and/or for having the wedding you want to have. I am firmly in the ‘weddings are about the couple’ camp here. But…if you DO have guests then yes you run into the ‘if you invite A, then B must also be invited’ dilemma. 🙁
Post # 38
I’d be super hurt if I wasn’t invited to my brother’s wedding. Unless its literally just him, his bride, and their officiant… I’d be hurt.
Post # 39
If I were the sister I would be upset too. You and your Fiance may not feel close to her but she may not feel the same way.
Why is there a 5 person limit? It does not look like its a financial issue since your in laws have offered to pay. If the reason is very arbitrary (we only want 14 people) then it makes it look more like you have simply decided to exclude her.
Post # 40
Ouch. “I had already picked who I was inviting but she should talk to her brother about being one of his five.”
Come on. What’s more important here, sticking exactly to an arbitrary number you chose, or including siblings? Plus inviting your sister and not hers is really rude. I’m on her side, you should really apologize and invite her.
Post # 41
Here’s how I think elopements/destination weddings and weddings work with regards other people’s feelings.
Elopment, just the two of you. You do exactly what you both want and hope your family is rational enough to understand.
Destination wedding – you invite a small set of people to an alternate location. It holds some of the traditional aspects of a wedding so if you’re on speaking terms, families generally are invited and close friends. It’s kind of a given that regardless where the couple gets married, you find the money to watch someone in your immediate family get married. There is no need to invite your parents neighbours or your hairdresser or the postman.
Wedding – you invite a lot more people. Extended family get an invite.
You’ve gone for the destination wedding, you have invited people to a place you don’t live in to get married. If I was your family I’d be expecting an invite because they’re the people guaranteed to fly across the country for you. Not just this time but every time you might need them to. I think you might have got away with it until you invited your sister, now you’ve invited some family but not all.
Post # 42
It’s not a friends trip, it’s a wedding because you’re getting married.
There is absolutely no way to hide or gloss that no matter how much you try.
You cannot invite your sister and not his. But tbh I’m appalled that your fi himself didn’t think to invite his sister, it is ignorant at best and malicious at worst.
But with excluding large sectors of family like you’re planning on gas consequences after the fact, even if you think it’ll be peachy now.
Post # 43
If it’s a fun laid back friends trip why is your sister going ? When you made the decision to invite your sister your Future Sister-In-Law should have also been invited. I would be appalled if one of my siblings had a wedding and the other side had siblings going and I wasn’t invited
Post # 44
The other bees have given you all the comments you need so I’ll just leave this here…
14 person balcony:
You and your Fiance (2)
+ his friends (5)
+ your friends and sibling (5)
+ celebrant/minister (1)
= 13 people. So why can’t his sister go to the wedding?
Post # 45
Agree with all. Invite her.