Post # 106
Neither of our parents are coming and they’re fine with it and seem excited for us. I’m sure they’re sincere in this too because for me, my mom and I are super close and she would just come out and say so. As far as his parents, Idk if you’ve ever met anyone like this because I hadn’t, but they’re super open and like to give their opinions, feelings, and advise about any topic at all. So if they weren’t into the idea, we would know almost immediately.
I’ll try to do my best to clear this up from my perspective. We used to always go on vacations with our respective friend groups but as we got older, jobs, kids, and life makes them less and less frequent and it’s something we are all kind of sulky and nostalgic over since we used to have so much fun on these trips. We noticed/joked that it’s hard to get people together for a friends trip but people are very apt to take time off and travel for a wedding. So the wedding is more so an excuse for a friends trip. But the ceremony itself is not something we are really dwelling on or putting a ton of energy into. In fact, in light of FSIL’s feelings on the issue, I think we will just toss the wedding altogether and go ahead with the trip as otherwise planned.
Post # 107
Thanks for your comment! I’m not a super sentimental or romantic person myself so I was hoping to detach our wedding from some of the traditions and etiquette involved. That’s definitely not a perspective that I see echoed here lol. Our parents are totally on board, it’s only Future Sister-In-Law who is in her feelings about it. It was never our intention to be cruel or mean by excluding her. We were just trying to plan a trip with our close friends and we’re just not close with her. I don’t mean that as a dig or anything, we’re just not.
Thanks for this. If I had a sibling I wasn’t particularly close to that did this, I would feel the same way. It was never about excluding Future Sister-In-Law. Up until she said something, it would really never occured to me that she would want to come. I might be ignorant, but not mean lol
Sorry, I didn’t realize there would be so many replies in just a day! I am a little taken aback at how harsh some of the responses are since we never meant to hurt her feelings. But everyone’s replies did help in taking a serious look at our plans. We are leaning towards just tossing out the wedding and carrying on with the trip as otherwise planned. Even though they’re not terribly close, Future Sister-In-Law is FI’s only sibling so the lost deposits are worth not having any conflict with her. We would rather just enjoy the trip and worry about getting married some other time.
Post # 108
No this is our first marriage and we’re in our 20s. We both have wonderful relationships with our parents, they’re only not coming because this is primarily a friends weekend with a wedding tucked away into it and parents would certainly change that “Hangover”-type dynamic that we anticipate. Also, we are already spending a few grand per person for flights, hotels, meals, etc. so once we start adding parents and other family, we are getting outside bounds of what we’re comfortable with spending just for a single weekend.
Parents are not invited.
Sorry about the wierd formatting! I see it’s very annoying to read, but it doesn’t show up that way in the text box when I wrote and tried to edit it, so I’m not sure how to fix.
Parents are all fine with it.
Thanks, I think we will end up just enjoying the trip as planned and worry about getting married some other time.
Post # 109
I have definitely learned that weddings can be emotionally charged no matter how casual we try to make it. I think we are going to just nix the wedding and continue with the trip as planned. The drama this has caused has kind of scared me off of getting married so I’m happy to put it on the backburner for a while.
The remaining spot was going to be for a photographer so, but like I said above, I think we are just going to toss out the wedding altogether.
My sister is my twin, my closest friend in the world, and she’s part of this friend group we’ve had since elementary school. I don’t think I would have invited a sibling that I wasn’t close with, but of course I don’t have any others so I can’t really test this theory. Fiance and FSIL get along but aren’t close.
We really didn’t financially plan for flying our families out for it and I just feel wierd having people shell out a bunch of their own money for traveling expenses just because decided to get married.
Thanks for this! We truly did not exclude her to be mean or make her feel like an ourtsider. As ignorant as it sounds now, it didn’t occur to me that she would want to come since she and Fiance not very close. I think we will just carry on with the trip without the wedding so we can hopefully avoid the dilemma you describe. This whole thing has honestly got me scared off of getting married so I’ll be happy to just not think about it for a while.
This is such a supportive comment, a really appreciate this perspective. Like I mentioned above, I think we are just calling off the wedding altogether so we can enjoy the trip. I hate family conflict, and honesly I’m put off the idea of getting married for a bit now that I’ve realized there is so much potential for hurt feelings. We will just have to enjoy being engaged a little longer.
Thanks for your clarity on this.
Post # 110
That’s right, parents are not invited. I’d just like to add that my sister is my twin and my best friend, whereas Fiance and his sister get along but aren’t close. Nonetheless, I totally see the point of your analogy; she is the only left out sibling and her feelings are hurt.
Yeah this has definitely created a tough predicament. Flying out and putting up everyone’s spouse and all would more than double our budget. I think the wedding part has just got to go. It’s funny how excluding this one event relieves us of all of the rules and hurt feelings but it seems like the only way to have the trip we planned, even if we won’t be married at the end of it.
Post # 111
I’m on the cusp of walking away from my family entirely, but your situation could have been foreseen. Your brother should have made sure his parents knew what you were doing, but asked them to keep quiet. I think you should go ahead with the wedding, apologise to the sister for hurt feelings, but don’t put your plans on hold or throw them out for her little tantrum. As you say, they’re not super close, so she can grow up and deal with it.
Post # 112
Your responses blow my mind… I still can’t understand your train of thought… “Well, they’re not close, so I didn’t think she would want to be there (FOR THE BIGGEST DAY OF HIS LIFE)”… I don’t get it.
Post # 113
Well I’m glad you’ve seen sense. So many people forget that a marriage is not just a party for your mates, it’s a ritual going back centuries, one that joins 2 families.
Barring a total elopement, or unless your families are as mad as a box of frogs, there’s no reason to leave them out of something that they should be a part of.
I know you can’t possibly believe this OP, but as the saying goes – friends come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Very few fall into the latter category, and as you all leave your 20s you’ll change a great deal and probably lose touch with many of those who will be smiling from those wedding day photos. His sister on the other hand will be in his life forever.
Post # 114
I feel so bad for your Future Sister-In-Law. nice way to shut the entire family out.
Post # 115
Why aren’t your parents invited? Why such an elite group where friends are more important than family to WATCH YOU GET MARRIED. This whole thing sounds selfish and immature. Sorry OP.
Post # 116
Well, there is one other conundrum. Your 10 best friends or whatever signed up for this trip thinking you will get married as part of it. If you’re now taking out the wedding part, might they change their minds?
Post # 117
I disagree with almost everyone here. Your wedding, your trip, your money, your guests. Your parents aren’t coming, they are fine with it. Your sister is likely your best friend. His sister is not his best friend. This isn’t your problem to handle; it is your FI’s as it is his sister you appear to hardly know that well. I don’t get how anyone can dictate or make anyone feel guilty for celebrating their love anyway they choose. I find you Future Sister-In-Law selfish for not accepting your plans as your parents have and allowing you to enjoy your trip. But I’m most definitely in the minority. I’ve been in FSILs shoes, and the wedding I wasn’t invited to was a bridesmaid in my wedding and my whole family was there but me. Still respected the brides wishes and appreciated her explaining their venue restrictions. I still bought a gift, stalked pictures, and wished them well. It’s called maturity. I hope you all have a great time and get to celebrate how you choose.
Post # 118
I agree to some extent with what most other posters have said: weddings are about the joining of two families, as well as about celebrating the love between two people. But what I think needs to be kept in mind is that not all families are the same and not all people have families that are nuclear, immediate, or traditional.
Still, the idea is that you and your spouse will be together for the rest of your lives which means that you are promising to accept HIS family into the rest of your life (including his sister). I think you are right to examine whether or not hurting her is worth it. Even eloping can result in hurt and resentment.
My significant other is the oldest of six children. His parents are divorced and both are remarried or in long-term relationships. One of his siblings is married. By contrast, I’m an only child. One of my parents is deceased and I am not close with any of my family besides my grandfather and my father – both of whom would understand if I eloped. But part of my commitment to spending the rest of my life with my partner is also about his family. For as much as I would love to elope, these people will be in my partner’s life forever and I don’t want them to be upset or hurt. Which means that any wedding we have will be as small as it possibly can be, while still including all of his family.
My point is that families are often very different, but joining your life with someone else’s means compromise. Don’t be scared off of the idea of getting married, just be aware of the meaning it has for people other than you and your future husband. Think it through. It sounds like it just caught you off guard that his sister would see the wedding this way, because that isn’t how you think of family or weddings. Which is okay. I’m sorry that this didn’t come up until you were already in a position to lose your deposits. That really sucks.
Post # 119
Parents kind of change the dynamic of a Vegas friends trip, which is what this is first and foremost. Our parents are fine with not going and think the trip is a neat idea.
That’s just it though. I doubt he would characterize it as the biggest day of his life. It’s certainly not the biggest day of my own life. Whenever we decide to get married I know it will be meaningful in its own way but the BIGGEST day of our lives thus far? No. I think a lot of the issues here stem from other people attaching emotions to the event that we just don’t have.
The ritual/family/sentimental stuff is exactly what we were trying to avoid. We often joke that the “joining two families” stuff is a little archaic and Game of Thrones-y and definitely doesn’t reflect our views on marriage. But I guess that doesn’t mean that people still don’t have their views on it.
I don’t think so since they’ve already took the time off and everything. But I will definitely have to follow up with everyone and check. I guess I didn’t consider this possibility.
Your opinion will likely be an unpopular one here, but I’m glad you shared it! This is FI’s thought as well. He even suspects that Future Sister-In-Law may just be looking forward to a free vacation, since she didn’t really speak up until it was mentioned that we are covering everyone’s traveling and most entertainment expenses. I don’t really know her well enough to suspect such a thing though, so I don’t.
Post # 120
Thanks for your clarity and insight on this. I knew that my views on weddings aren’t the norm, but I guess I just expected everyone to hop on board with my sentiments as well, which clearly wasn’t realistic. I wish I had gaged her feelings on this the way we did with our parents.
I can relate to your situation in that my family only consists of my mom, my twin sister, and these four close friends since elementary school. Add to that the fact that my mom has crippling social anxiety so I just couldn’t make her sit through a traditional party. I thought I had worked out a great plan, but now I can totally see why Future Sister-In-Law feels the way she does. You’re right in that I was caught off guard by her reaction, it was never my intention. Feeling left out sucks.