(Closed) FSIL just got engaged… Jealousy?

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

I think it makes sense to some extent – but after you’ve had your time, you’ve gotta find a way to channel this in a productive way. It can feel hard if you were engaged and something about the engagement wasn’t stellar for you – the ring size, the timing, the place, etc., and then someone else gets an engagement that seems to trump yours.

Life goes on for everyone – and keeping that in mind can help you. Your wedding and your engagement are but one facet of a family of many different people with lives going in different directions and experiencing different things. This is a practice run: in the future, you’re likely to have other people in the family pregnant at the same time as you are. There is enough room and attention in a family for you to experience all of it.

It will be different, in my experience, with your in-law’s family. My in-laws were over the moon about their daughter’s engagement/marriage/first baby, and they’ve basically ignored us since we were engaged. I think most people tend to focus on their daughters when it comes to weddings and engagements, and they’re clueless about what to do when it’s their son getting married.

No matter what, learn to keep a smile on your face when you deal with them. Every time you think, “They better not get married before us,” stop and think, “I am being very petty right now.”

I say this as someone who’s sort of been on the other side of that. We were dating for about 3 years when our friend proposed to his long-distance girlfriend after 6 months of dating. About 8 months later, we were engaged. They planned for a late April wedding; we planned for late March because we didn’t want a long engagement, Future Sister-In-Law had a baby in December, and we were getting a free open bar if we got hitched before April 1! We didn’t have any other common guests with our friend, but what resulted was very ugly – our friend took every opportunity he could to be passive-aggressive about the fact that we were getting married first. Including embarrassing me by bringing it up when he was opening my gift at their wedding shower.

It’s ugly and it’s immature. Feeling it is to some degree normal – but whatever you do, keep your distance from her if you need to. Make small talk, congratulate her, then disappear.

Post # 4
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Weetzie:  I can sort of relate to you. My FSIL is engaged and I am happy and excited for her but I couldn’t help but be a little jealous of her venue and budget. It made things a little worse when it seemed that everyone was more excited about her wedding than mine. After a couple of months I started realizing that I have nothing to be jealous about. I know I will have the most beautiful wedding because it is MY wedding and I am marrying my Best Friend.

Dont worry about those feelings. Just try to focus on your own wedding and just be happy for her. Remember that a wedding is one day/night and a marriage is forever.

Post # 5
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

@jsrt2012:  Listen to this, Weetzie. It’s very good advice. It’s only natural to feel what you’re feeling. Process it, control it.

Post # 6
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’m in a terror of being that girl and every time I read a post like this I get jumpy.

My SO’s older brother got engaged to his super long term girlfriend over Christmas, and set a date for summer 2014. They wanted a really long engagement I suppose. Which is totally cool. But then things like this happen…

SO and I are planning on getting engaged this Christmas after I meet his family for the first time (they are in another country, we’re travelling there this fall). Due to Visa issues and just not wanting an endless engagement, we want a fall 2014 wedding. That’s just what we need to do for us. 

We’re getting engaged a full year after they did, but we’re probably getting married about 3 months after they do.

I don’t see any problem with it, but every single time I read a post like this I’m like oh man, what if this starts drama with my future brother in law and his fiancee? I don’t want to make anyone feel bad, and we’re obviously not going to change our plans. I just hope that if there’s any hurt, it passes quickly.

Post # 7
Member
8453 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Remember that a wedding is one day/night and a marriage is forever.

@jsrt2012:  +infinity

Post # 9
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I agree completely that it is normal. I was with my Fiance for 4 years before he proposed he had the ring and everything ready months before, he was just waiting for the perfect day. Then my older brother announced to basically everyone that him and his Girlfriend who were together for less than a year were going to be engaged by the end of June (idk when he actually told everyone when he was doing, she basically knew too). So my Fiance proposed on May 17th of 2012, my Future Sister-In-Law actually refused to come up to congratulate me when she dropped my brother off at my moms. She was so bitter it was crazy. Then my brother announced the night that I got engaged that he was going to propose the following Wednesday (rude right?) but she never said anything to me even pretending to be happy for us getting engaged. But when she did get engaged he used her birthday party at a bar/restaurant, where we had to go to support her, as a cover. She actually told me after he proposed how mad she was that we got engaged first!! She asked me my colors and when I told her I wanted to use pink she gave a stank face and said eww I would NEVER use pink…. guess whose using pink now?

My mom keeps telling me to be the better person and not stoop to her level. It’s hard but I think I am doing an okay job at doing that. Just focus on your wedding and try not to stress about what she is doing. She obviously wants the drams and if you give her the satisfaction that you are bothered by it she wins.

Post # 10
Member
1850 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I can understand the feelings – they’re irrational, but they happen.

We were together for over 3.5 years before he popped the question. Future Brother-In-Law has been with his lady for a little over a year. I have a sinking feeling it will happen soon because he is super quick to the altar (he was engaged about 2 years ago). It’s irrational, yes, but I’m like NOOOOOOO! We waited a while to get engaged and I want to kind of have the spotlight for once. He tends to steal it from Fiance. Yeah, irrational, yeah, not really mature.

I get it. I have one day. I just don’t know. 🙂

 

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