(Closed) FSIL upsets my partner and its starting to upset me too

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 18
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

Maybe you and your Fiance could go to a financial counselor, and get advice  from a professional?  Then your Fiance could take that advice and go to his parents with it… that might hold more water than if you guys went to his parents yourself.

I was in a similar situation once (not debt related though), and what convinced my mom to do something was talking to an expert and realizing that the best thing she could do for her kids was to stop enabling them.  Of course, I had no idea she needed to hear it from an expert and just kept repeating my opinion over and over until I was completely ignored (alas).

Good luck!

Post # 21
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

I’ve seen this happen a lot actually, when a parent grows up with very little… they sometimes resolve to give “everything” to their children, so they won’t have to suffer like they did.

I can’t bear to watch that show “My Super Sweet Sixteen”, for that reason…

Post # 23
Member
25 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2009

There is a lot of good advice here.  You should not enable a family member to continue to be financially irresponsible.  Everytime you bail her out, it will only be a matter of time before you are bailing her out again.  You are actually hurting her more by bailing her out.  (I guess our American govt. is enabling our banking and auto industries… ha ha)

If she is hungry, take her groceries.  If her electric is turned off, send a check directly to the electric company.  As long as she is not hungry, cold, or homeless… then don’t help her at all.  She will either learn or not.  That may sound cold, but it is really tough love. 

I have been in the same situation with a family member and I know that she will never stop taking unless you stop giving.  Best of luck.  Francie

 

Post # 25
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Hi  Wildstyle. what an awful sister, calling you up to buy her things.

This isn’t a cultural issue. You know I live in the same country as she does and we don’t all go around spending beyond our means.Her husband is still called a deadbeat here, but I guess it’s not his fault he is injured and can’t work. If you did want to suggest something to her or Mother-In-Law there is a free service here called Citizens Advice Bureau.

They are all around the country and can give great budgeting and financial advice,other wise Westpac Bank does a free “managing your money” workshop that could help.

Good luck!!

Post # 27
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

as an aussie and considering NZ is just across the ditch from me… its NOT cultural – shes being a lazy spoilt bitch that is use to everyone else picking up after her

my advise, there is nothing you can do from a distance and its not your responsibility.  i suggest you giver her zero finance and if she starts bitching and complaining about how hard done by she is then point out that everyone has to work for a living to afford the things they want.  you are half way around the world from her – there is little else you can do in regards to counseling or changing her behaviors. time to toughen up on this one and acknowledge that at some point, siblings lives take different directions

 

Post # 29
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

im not saying she isnt doing it tough but things are tough everywhere and when someone accepts money and then uses it to buy a luxury item then that person is clueless and shouldnt be enabled more than they already are.

i can understand why your FI’s parents are being so foolish but other than telling his parents that they are not doing anything to help her long term there is nothing you can do – its their choice.

i believe most families try to help each other when they can and thats not a cultural thing, thats being part of a family… but at some point you can only do so much before you say no – i believe you guys are at that point and need to stand by it

 

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