(Closed) FSIL wants to be a bridesmaid “or else”

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 3
439 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I say you’re doing the right thing.  It’s stressful enough planning a wedding, you want it to be fun and memorable with people who means a lot to you and who’ll be there for you.  If she’s going to be bratty about it, Bridesmaid or Best Man or nothing, then tell her nothing.  Say you already have your BMs as they’re your best friends and offer her some other part in the wedding, and if she refuses, then well she refused and move on!

Post # 4
3274 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Her age is no excuse!

I think you answered your own question.

“Why should I include her in my wedding when she 1) won’t talk to me 2) doesn’t like me and 3) I don’t want her in it!”

Don’t have her there.  I’m sure there will be battles with Future Mother-In-Law and Future Sister-In-Law but do try to compromise by offering her another role.  Like  @CrispyRN said, if she refuses then it’s her own problem.

You say it’s been months since you picked them and you’ve already done Bridesmaid or Best Man things, tell them that!  That even IF you wanted to you can’t change your mind because it’s just too late anyway.

Post # 5
1098 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@AJA1128:  You are doing the right thing. It is never a good idea giving in to emotional blackmail.

I would use reverse psychology and tell her “I don’t think you would have a good time with women a decade older than you” or something along those lines.

She did not seem interested and now whats to be center of attention.

Keep your bridal party the way it is!

Post # 6
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

If I were in your shoes, I would feel the same way. I would not have someone in my wedding party who acted immaturaly like that, and who wasn’t there to stand beside me as a close friend. I would have her if she was a pleasant girl who wouldn’t give you any problems..but she sounds pretty stuck up from how you describe her. Don’t budge with your decision.. you’ve made the right one!

Post # 7
2330 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

That’s a tough call. On the one hand, not even taking to account that you don’t want to include her, she’s acting like a 5 year old and I hate to recommend that anyone be rewarded for that.

On the other hand, if you dig your heels in, I can see this being the issue that never goes away, especially since your in laws have gotten involved. You don’t want her as a bridesmaid and you don’t want to react to her temper tantrum by letting her get her way, but you also will have to deal with your in laws privately thinking you’re a bitch for not conceding.

Sounds like your Future Mother-In-Law has a long memory and the ability to hold a grudge. Just a couple things stand out 1. Your Future Mother-In-Law “finally” showing interest in your wedding (ie, is looking to strong arm you into including her daughter and therefore has a vested interest now) 2. the people who know you in real life encouraging you to give in and let Future Sister-In-Law be a bridesmaid, 3. the fact that you overreacted (even though you apologized) has probably been discussed numerous times between your inlaws and I doubt you’ve been discussed favorably.

All this suggests to me that refusing to allow her in the wedding party will be throwing down the gauntlet and the cause for family drama down the road. Whether or not that’s preferrable to giving in to Future Sister-In-Law is a question only you can answer.

Post # 8
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I would feel the same…especially if your OWN sisters aren’t bridesmaids! However, if you want to be the bigger person, maybe she could have another role in the wedding? Greeter/program distributor? 

Post # 9
911 posts
Busy bee

I would maybe ask her ONE more time if she was interested in helping out in another way (I included my brother and his girlfriend by having them sitting at the guestbook table) and if she’s still uninterested I’d drop it.  Enough’s enough and as PP’s have mentioned, age has NOTHING to do with it.

Enjoy your day and don’t worry about it!

Post # 10
2639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

Your day, you decide the bridal party…especially since your sisters aren’t in the party. 

It bugged me that my SIL didn’t ask me to be an attendant in my brother’s wedding, but I got over it (her brother wasn’t in it, either.) If you’d like, ask her to do something else (a reading, etc.), then drop it. I don’t see issues with Future Mother-In-Law. You could get corsages for all the sisters as a nice gesture.

Post # 11
1626 posts
Bumble bee

Please don’t give in to the blackmail. Who cares if they hold long grudges? If it’s not her being a Bridesmaid or Best Man, it’s going to be a FB comment, the order of photographs at the wedding, where they sat in relation to you at the reception, your baby shower, your child’s first birthday etc. Ask her to be a reader or to give a short toast. If she refuses, that’s it. You can tell your Fiance that you have made up your mind about your bridal party and you don’t want to add to it.

Post # 12
1325 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@AJA1128:  No matter what you do, you are going to offend somebody

Thats about the most realistic advice I ever got from my wedding planner. And she was right. No matter what you do you will offend somebody

Dont put her in your bridal party if thats not what you want- at the end of the day you have to be happy, not miserable. Also…”or else?” what is this, the Godfather? What is she going to do, put a horses head in your bed?

Honestly, shes probably just pissed because she realizes that her behaviour has cut her out from being involved in a huge family event–see how I mentioned nothing specific about your wedding? She doesnt want to be in the wedding to support you, but to be able to be part of all the attention of the event. Frankly, thats not a good enough reason to put her in the wedding party.

Have the people who mean the most to you in your party. Thats that.

Post # 13
1395 posts
Bumble bee

Please do not give in to this!   Do not give this CHILD a place in your bridal party.  If she won’t hand out programs or something, oh freaking well.

Post # 14
1874 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I wouldnt make her a bridesmaid, Yes you answered your own question. I hate to sound like a bridezilla but this is the proper moment to: THIS IS YOUR DAY and you shouldnt allow anyone to try and make you do anything you DO NOT want to do. So what if she doesnt participate in your wedding? Do you think she would have you in hers when its her time? Not if she doesnt like you. I would cut the conversation short if anyone tries to bring this subject up again. Im sorry but this personally upset me because I cant stand my Future Mother-In-Law but she has tried to similarily make me do things I dont want to do or add extra crap to something I have planned. She has not spoken to me at all regarding the wedding because she is a very selfish person and if it doesnt involve her name in it she is not concerned with it. Im not trying to throw the anger towards your Future Mother-In-Law I just cant stand anyone that tries to force someone to do something they do not want to do. You are an adult. You can make your own decision. You only get this day once sweetie. Please do not allow someone to push you into a corner. I just do not want to see anyone’s day ruined because of someone else. Sorry about the long rant!


Post # 15
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I get it; I wouldn’t want to be in that position either and the truth is…the family will get over it. Don’t reward that behavior; it sets the groundwork for problems in the future.

Post # 16
36 posts
  • Wedding: October 2012

This is a really tough situation : I’m having somewhat of the same issue, and am having trouble deciding if I want to accomodate my wedding party for my Future Sister-In-Law. I have some of my bridesmaids picked, but there is one “spot” that I could either fill with her or one of my friends. She didn’t have me in her bridal party, but she has been telling everyone that she thinks she should be in mine since she is married into the family now. It’s really a tough call because there are some other people that I would like to include, but I don’t want to cause a huge family issue, so I haven’t made up my mind yet.

I think that you have to talk to your Fiance before you make any decisions. At first, my Fiance told me to just have her in it, but he’s the type of person who will just give in to avoid drama. After I explained some things to him, he is basically saying that he would probably just have her in it to take the easy way out, but it’s my call. I’ve also sat down with some of my Future In-Laws, and all of them (besides her DH, of course) have said that it is my day and that I have the right to ask whomever I want to be in the bridal party; her being family doesn’t just get her an automatic “in” to the party.

I think you have to consider how big of a rift, if any, this will cause in the family, specifically between you and your Fiance. It honestly sounds like she is just being very immature, and that this is more about her feeling special than about supporting you on one of the most important days of your life. I think that being a bridesmaid is an honor that earn by being a really good, supportive friend to someone, and it doesn’t sound like that’s what she is to you.

If it won’t cause any problems between you and your fiance’, I would probably just sit her down one more time and have a heart-to-heart. I would do it face-to-face, just you and her (it’s easy for her to call/text your fiance’ something, but sitting infront of you when you are being nice and sincere will be a lot harder for her to act so haughty). Tell her that you’re looking forward to being SILs, and that you want to form a relationship with her, but that you’ve already decided on your bridal party. Let her know that if she wants to be involved in the wedding that you’d love to have her help you with certain things, but that she isn’t obligated to do anything. If she still acts rude and immature, I would just let the chips fall where they may. She will probably grow out of it eventually.

Don’t change your special day just because someone else wants to feel important and acts immature. This will set a bad premise for the rest of your relationship, and she will think if she pouts and complains to everyone else that she will be able to get her way. If you reach out to her and act nicely, but stand firm on your position, she won’t be able to say anything bad about you, but will also know that you aren’t a doormat.

I hope everything works out for you!

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