(Closed) FSIL wants to invite her in laws to my engagment party

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
4193 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

I don’t think Fiance should be passing this off to you… it’s HIS sister.

No, your parents (the hosts) should not have to entertain other people’s out of town guests- if someone else was hosting it (like your aunt), would she even try this? You’re being accommodating inviting them to one event, they don’t need an invite for both. I checked with my wedding-etiquette-guru, Emily Post, and for an engagement party, she “recommends that those invites be kept to ‘people you are very, very close to.’ ” Obviously, FSIL’s in-laws don’t count, and shouldn’t be there.

 

Post # 4
Member
581 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Yeah, make your fiance let her know that this isn’t an occasion for her family, but that he really hopes she can make it for part of the time.

Post # 5
Member
10288 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

It’s rude to even ask to invite extra people to someone elses party. So what if they’ll be in town during it? They can’t go out to dinner or something while your FSIL/BIL attend your party?

I don’t blame you for not wanting these people there. You hardly know them and you shouldn’t have to wine and dine them just because they happen to be in the same area code. This seems like something that your Fiance needs to handle since they’re “his” people. 

Post # 6
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think that you would take a step back for a second and look at this from your FSIL’s standpoint. Her parents are visiting from oversees, so presumably she doesn’t get to see them very often. There is a family get-together planned that will have your FI’s brother (her husband) your parents (her in-laws) and probably more extended family that she would like for them to meet. To me, it would seem like a nice thing for them to be invited to.

It probably will not affect your or your time at your party at all and it will probably be a very nice time for her and her parents. Sometimes it’s easier to have “the more the marrier” than to exclude someone and have there be a lot of hard feelings. 

In the end, wouldn’t it be nicer to be one, big happy family than to have this rift. It’s just 2 extra people, and I hardly see how this is worth the flight.

*this is coming from a girl whose parents, inlaws, and brother’s inlaws (SIL’s parents) go out as couples and all three families get together on holidays. It’s wonderful to have a great relationship the families of your family. There is almost no downside….

Post # 7
Member
1101 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Yeah…not okay!!! he needs to stand up to his sister, that is nonsense!

Post # 8
Member
1130 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@CanAmBride:  But she said that they were invited to the pot luck thing, so it’s not like they won’t have time with everyone there.

I would say your planned response is fine.

Post # 9
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@CaliHoya:  I still think that it isn’t worth the fight to exclude them from anything. I’m speaking from experience from my own wedding. I spend MONTHS flighting my parents and IL’s on people they could and couldn’t invite to my wedding. In the end, most of them made the list and I was convinced that I would be livid that evening. It turns out that I barely even realized that they were there and I had a great time celebrating with my close friends and family. And it made it so much easier on my parents and ILs that they could include their friends and they weren’t left out.

Deliberatly excluding her SIL’s parents could cause a rift between her and her SIL that could last for years, and this party is only one night. So my experience has taught me that it’s not worth the fight.

Post # 10
Member
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Tell her that since it is rude to invite someone to a pre-wedding party who will not be invited to a wedding (I assume you aren’t inviting them?) and you would HATE to be rude to her family, so you would prefer to keep the guest list as is.

Post # 11
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I agree with CanAmBride. This is more likely motivated by Future Sister-In-Law trying to get her entire extended family (which the OP is getting ready to enter) together in one room for what may be the only time ever that they’ll all be together, and not by her being pushy.

Since my FIL’s— that entire family— is overseas I would likely ask my sister to extend an invite to them, even if it were just a cousin, if they were visiting the US and my sister were to be getting married.

Post # 12
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@CanAmBride:  I agree with this. OP- of course you (or more specifically, your parents, as they are hosting) do not have to invite your SILs in-laws, but this would not be a battle I would choose to fight. If they are coming from overseas, your SIL probably sees them rarely and to say, “Well, she is able to leave them to go to work, so she should leave then to come to my party” seems a little silly. Is this a formal sit-down dinner, or a come-and-go appetizer/drinks type party? Also, how does your Fiance feel about this? Would he rather that his sister not be at his engagement party than invite 2 extra guests? I also agree with the others who say it’s his family and he should ultimately deal with it.

Post # 13
Member
3692 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

These are the siter-in-law’s husband’s parents.  They have no connection directly to the OP or her husband whatsoever.  They don’t need to be invited.  They’re nobody to the people actually getting married.  

Post # 14
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@strawbabies:  That’s not necessarily true. We invited my sister’s in-laws (so my FI’s SIL’s husbands parents- same relationship as in the OP) to our wedding because we view them as (distant) family. However, even if this couple is not close to these people, presumably they are close to the SIL, and I think inviting them is more of a kindness to her than to the in-laws themselves.

Either way, she is obviously well within her rights to not invite them, but I just wonder if the consequences of not inviting them are greater than just extending the invitation (would she and/or her Fiance rather have 2 extra guests, or not have his sister there?).

Post # 15
Member
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I agree with the comments that the Future Sister-In-Law probably just wants to maximize her family time. However, you are in a dilemma because you don’t want to imply that they would be invited to the wedding. You could address these specific fears with the Future Sister-In-Law

“It would not be a big deal to us if your in-laws came, but it is usually considered rude to invite people who are not coming to the wedding. I want to be sure that your in-laws would still want to come even though they will not be involved in any other wedding activities. We know that they came a long way and you want to spend time with them, but we would love to have you come to our party too. Please talk to your in-laws about are concerns and let us know either way!”

Post # 16
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I don’t really think that’s such a big deal myself. You have to learn to roll with the punches when planning anything for a wedding. If this bothers you just wait lol! 🙂

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