Post # 1
We are all in Toronto. My Future Brother-In-Law and Future Sister-In-Law go to the States every Black Friday. They stay over at my FI’s place who lives closer to the border. Future Brother-In-Law and Future Sister-In-Law along with their kids come to stay over @ FI’s place and just drive back/forth all Thanksgiving weekend long.
So Fiance and I haven’t yet bought any furniture for his place other than the one bed in the bedroom; couch, tv, coffee table in the family room. We are waiting to get married first so I can move in and then we’ll start decorating the house. So there’s quite a few rooms in the house like dining room, living room, other bedroom that are empty. We are also thinking that depending on where my next job is, we might just end up selling the place.
Anyway, Future Brother-In-Law and Future Sister-In-Law along with their kids stayed over that Thanksgiving weekend at FI’s place last year. Fiance himself was not there because he decided to visit me at that weekend. The kids dropped juice all over the good carpet. This is in a room where there is NO furniture and has the most expensive off-white bourbon carpet! Eeeks! They wiped it up but obviously did not bother to take the stains out completely. They set in. I didn’t notice until I was in that room many weekends later! (I have no need to go in there because that room’s empty! We go there to vaccum occassionally.) AAAAAARGH!!! I tried to clean it out with detergent and what not but no luck. :*( It’s over a year old now so I don’t know if that’ll come out. Ugh! Not sure WHAT they were doing there. That room is far from the kichen and the family room, which is the communal place we set up. My Fiance has dirtied up the carpet in the family room a few times but it’s not the expensive kind.
Future Brother-In-Law and Future Sister-In-Law do not believe in disciplining or controlling their kids (girl = 7 and boy = 4). They jump around and cause havoc in other people’s homes too when we all collectively visit other family. They jump on everything, throw stuff, break things, etc. Everyone’s just anxious for them to leave. (TONS of examples come to mind which I will leave out for now!) But neither Future Sister-In-Law or Future Brother-In-Law take control of the situation. They forbade everyone else from correcting their kids also. Their philosophy is that kids will learn on their own when they start school. I guess they expect the teachers to do double duty: I.e. teach the kids and also do the PARENT’S JOB of teaching their kids discipline. (I feel sorry for the teachers…)
HOW do Fiance and I broach this subject carefully that this year they are not welcome to have their terror tots rampaging in the house? Never mind the carpet, but we just always wonder what will break next. There are many other kids around the same ages who come over but none of them go postal on our place! We won’t be there this weekend and even if we are, we are not ‘allowed’ to correct them, remember? And I cannot possibly keep an eye on their kids 24/7! They do not want to stay at a hotel because it costs them money so they much rather keep driving back/forth from the border and stay at FI’s place instead. *sigh*
Bees???? Need some bee love and advice! I am at my wit’s end!
Post # 3
My first thought is they will probably deny their kids spilled the juice or did anything wrong if you confront them about it. So I wouldn’t actaully say to them “You can’t stay here because your kids messed it up last time”. I’d honestly make up some excuse like you are having the house fogged for vermin that weekend, or something like that. Something they CANNOT argue with or get mad about. IT’s your house, not theirs and they aren’t entitled to use it whenever they please. And I’d honestly try to avoid any kind of fight by just making up an excuse instead of telling them they have horrible kids.
I also feel really bad for teachers when it comes to parents like these!
Post # 4
Ugh, that stinks. This is a huge pet peeve of mine when parents try to dictate what you can and can’t say to their kid (I understand some things like asking people not to swear or something). I went out to dinner with one mom who let her kid just completely smash all her food and let the kid crumble it between his fingers, he tried that with mine and there was no way I was going to let that happen. I’m not sure that the mom was too happy with me, she said ‘we think he’s too young to understand manners and they shouldn’t be taught until he’s a bit older’, but I’m sorry he’s 2 and I had him saying please and thank you in like 2 minutes.
They can say you’re not allowed to correct their kids but that doesn’t mean you have to listen to them. Maybe if you and your husband say ‘our house, our rules’, they’ll choose not to stay with you. Honestly, there’s a limit that I let parents dictate how I’m allowed to interact with their kid. If they’re going to break something it’s dangerous for the kid and I’m for sure going to say something.
Post # 5
Yeah I’d definitely tell them there’s something going on at the house (new paint, getting something installed etc) so they can’t stay there.
Of course if I were you I’d have zero problem correcting kids that are guests in my house, for that exact reason, they are guests and it’s MY house. Just because a kid is allowed to jump on the couch with their shoes on and eat in the living room at home doesn’t give them any right to do it elsewhere. Hell, we even ask adult guest to take their shoes off…because it’s OUR house.
If the parents want a place where they don’t have to deal with other people’s rules they can stay at a hotel.
Of course I don’t take crap off of anyone’s kids. When husband’s cousin’s kid decided to throw his truck at me (and he throws stuff ALL the time) I took him aside and told him that I didn’t like it and if he did it again he was going to be in trouble. I don’t want to parent other people’s kids but if they’re letting their kid be destructive and abusive to other people it’s time to step in.
Post # 6
Thanks Bees! I will get that a shot.
We will try to make up an excuse about why they can’t be over. They know very well that nothing we will be doing to the house until we are married like do something drastic to have it painted, etc. But I think I ‘CAN’ say that my brother wants to use it for a house party for his friends after their exams are done at uni. *phew* That should hold them out. I will run this by Fiance.
They have been told a few times by my Mother-In-Law (she’s the BIL’s mom and Mother-In-Law to the FSIL) that they need to straighten up their act. FSIL’s own brother got angry with their daughter once and he was reprimanded for it! (They were babysitting the FSIL’s kids.) Can you believe that! AAaargh!!
I totally despise it too when people let their kids run wild. And then their standard excuse is “… well you don’t have kids so you wouldn’t know how it is.” Or, “we don’t need to know how to behave with them from people who don’t have any children”. Etc. Totally pisses me off! Grr!!!!
Post # 7
#1 I totally read “tater tots” hahaha
#2 That does suck. If they have to come and you won’t be there how about you close certain doors and write signs that say “No kids please”. I’m sure you could even find or write a cute little poem so it’s not as mean sounding. And before they come I’d have Fiance call and say “I love having you so please don’t take this the wrong way, but please make sure the children are careful with the house. Last year we found a stain that we haven’t been able to remove.”
Post # 8
I would just bring up the stain and remind them that anything their kids do, they are responsible for in the most polite way possible. If worse comes to worse you may even have to say that they just plain can’t bring their kids but I fear that would make a situation worse in the end.
Post # 9
I think a story would work once, maybe twice, but eventually you’ll have to lay down the law. They can have rules (or not) for their kids, and you can have rules at your house that your guests will be asked to follow. Children will understand that different places have different rules (or, in this case, ‘my house has rules while yours has none!’). I remember my Nana telling me that she wondered how different our house was from hers when she’d overheard my little brothers telling each other “We’re at Nana’s now, we need to follow Nana’s rules!” We still loved her, and understood that some houses have you take your shoes off, others have rooms that people don’t go into, etc, etc. It seems that your in-laws may have more trouble adapting than the kids will, but I’d say stick to your guns. It’s your home.
Post # 10
I would just flat out say that since you can’t discipline their kids in your own house, they aren’t welcome. Don’t sugar coat it. Maybe the parents need some tough love so they can then give some to their kids.
Post # 11
@MrsSl82be: What she said.
Your house, your rules. Both adults and children should follow them, or be asked to leave. That’s how it goes in public places and stores… you don’t follow the rules, you get kicked out. No reason why it should be any different with your own home. Adults smoking in my house? Sorry, they have to leave. Kids being stupidly obnoxious and breaking things? Sorry, they have to leave.
If that’s tough on the parents because they have to get a hotel, well so be it. It’s their fault they can’t be bothered to dicipline their children enough to be welcome anywhere else. It’ll bite them in the butt soon enough.
I have an entire Girl Scout troop of 15 girls that I have to help manage. They range in ages from 5 to 8 right now. They know perfectly well that they will get sent home early to an unhappy parent if they misbehave in someone else’s building. Only takes them once or twice to get it in their heads that it will cause them to miss out on a lot of fun. If we can’t send them home, they have to spend the rest of the meeting holding hands with one of the leaders. Leaders do not always want to run outside or play in bounce castles.
Post # 12
@MrsSl82be: I completely agree with this advice. Tell them flat out that they are unwelcome since their children are unruly and that given the evidence, stained carpet that you and your husband clearly did not make, they are unwelcome. Surgar coating is just going to keep allowing them to be awful parents.
Post # 13
At some point, you’re going to have to let the parents understand how you feel. What will you do when you decorate the house or move to a new place? New furniture, wedding gifts, etc damaged? Yikes.
If there is anyway to avoid it, I wouldn’t let them use the house without you there. And I would lay down the law, gently.
When you see the kids running around with juice, maybe say something like, *directed to the kids*-“We have a new rule in our house that the juice has to stay in the kitchen, let’s go finish it together”
Almost like a game…4 and 7 can understand that.
If the parents give you a hard time, say it’s your house and that’s it. Just because they are “kids” doesn’t excuse the parents from not taking control.