(Closed) "Fuck Off" fund. Do you have one?

posted 4 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 46
5884 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

leekissesme:  No, everything is joint.  We do jointly have a healthy emergency fund.  I don’t feel a need to keep anything seperate because I trust my Darling Husband.  I don’t worry for one moment that he would take all of our money and run off.

I guess though, if I were to think of him hypothetically taking all of our money and running, there are a couple of other safety nets that I have.  I have my own job making about 50% of our family income.  I also have my family who would support or bridge me if anything terrible did happen.

But it’s really not something that concerns me.  My Darling Husband and I have been together for almost 10 years.  I trust him completely.

Post # 47
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016 - Little Chapel of Flowers

Oh yes, from my childhood I learned.  I am walking in to my second marriage able to take care of myself, and could leave able to take care of myself.  Need no fund. I love my fiance, but I am never comfortable unless I am able to support myself.  I really think relationships work better when you keep finances somewhat seperate.  They truly don’t understand what we spend our disposable income on.

Post # 48
882 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

leekissesme:  most of our money is funneled into joint accounts, but we do have separate accounts for “fun money.” Not so much as a just in case (although it would be there for that), more so so that neither of us feels guilty splurging. However if the other needed some money, we always share.

Post # 49
3281 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

We don’t have anything separate at all, so I guess if Darling Husband went off his rocker and cleaned out our accounts, I’d be in trouble. I suppose it’s not a bad idea to have a separate small account or CC for each of us just in case, but I feel like the possibility of any of that happening is so incredibly remote that I’m not sure it’s worth the effort. Plus, as others have said, I handle 100% of our finances and I’m honestly not sure that Darling Husband has the info at his disposal to clean us out!

Post # 50
3064 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

leekissesme:  we have yet to merge finances ( been married since sept 2014), so i guess! but if/when we do combine finances, I will def want my own money to buy what I want with! I think any serious savings would be in the joint fund tho. I would feel kind of guilty if i had 20K stashed away when we could use that for a down payment or pay down our current mortgage.

 EDIT: I do have my own personal credit cards/bank accounts. If something happened I have at least 30K of credit  I can use on cards if Darling Husband decided to clean me out ( if we combined accounts) and my 401k which is just mine and will always be mine. LOL. So i guess thats my back up. 

Post # 51
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Fiance and I both have our seperately accounts and only one together that were using for our wedding and honeymoon money. Not sure how our finances are going to work after marriage whether or not well merge our accounts but I’ll always have my savings account. Personally it’s just a rainy day fund and I wouldn’t feel comfortable not having any type of money on my own

Post # 52
282 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

leekissesme:  No, I don’t have a separate bank accounts or funds from my Darling Husband in the event of a divorce. I get why some women do and I don’t judge them, but it isn’t for me. I have the utmost confidence and faith in our relationship and truly don’t feel that I need to set aside money just in case. Also, I have a job and was taking care of myself before I met my Darling Husband and married him, so there is no reason that I couldn’t do that again if the unthinkable happened.

Post # 53
15 posts
  • Wedding: March 1999

Not exactly.  I do have a credit card that he wouldn’t know the account number to (or really probably the bank).  It was opened pre marriage and is almost never used.  I use it just enough to keep it open and only kept it bc it has a high limit and I got it when I was 18 so has a long history.  Closing it would hurt my score and it doesn’t have a yearly fee so i kept it open.  Electronic statements so idk how he would know the number.  We only have a checking account which is about enough for a months worth of bills and a savings account with a 8 month emergency fund.  We aren’t saving for anything right now and have been building up our 401k so that’s were put savings is going right now.  In the state I live in you need a notorized authorization from your spouse to withdraw anything from a retirement account so he couldn’t drain anything there And everything else is held jointly.  If I didn’t have an active source of income I might insist on a separate account but with my income I would be able to survive until a judge divided our assets (we live in a 50/50 state).

Post # 54
3611 posts
Sugar bee

leekissesme:  *clutches pearls* you used the F word?! I am so offended…..

I don’t have one personally but I don’t think it’s weird to have one either. Big life changes like moving in together can be a little scary. If I absolutely needed to, I would ask for help from my family.

Post # 55
4548 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Na, everything is joint. 

In seriousness, if he cut me off or drained the accounts I have family resources who would gladly support me.

Knowing my husband, I am confident it will ever happen, but if it did I would never be left homeless or penniless anyway.

Post # 56
5864 posts
Bee Keeper

I know what it’s like to be broke, I know what it’s like to feel stranded. So even though I love my Fiance, even though I’m fortunate enough to have family and friends to turn to, it feels comforting contributing little bits here and there to an immediately accessible private fund. It may not even be a ‘fuck off’ fund per se, it could be an ‘unexpected shit life throws at you’ fund. Or someone I care about may need emergency funds and I’d give it to them. Even if I never need to use it, it’s like a security blanket and gives me a small measure of comfort just knowing it’s there.

Post # 57
6543 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Ha! I used to have one (not a “run away” fund, but more of a “I’m going to buy myself something really expensive” fund) – actually I still do if you count money that’s in only my name. So far, I have used that money to put a new roof on the house, to pay cash for two children in braces and to buy our most recent car. Soon, I will be using that money to pay for our 20th anniversary trip. Darling Husband knows it’s there, and he doesn’t care.

Post # 58
9056 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I do volunteer work with domestic violence escapees (mostly women) and I can tell you right now what a lot of people are saying is the same thing they tell me they felt before it all changed. And how they wished they had been smart enough to stash away an F.O.fund.

BalletParker: is 100% correct in that we (our organisation and the police who we work closely with) advise people not to use credit cards if they are leaving. If they know your date of birth etc then they can have any female ring up and pose as you.

My husband and I have separate finaces which are open to each other but I do have a secret F.O.Fund. Not because I think our relationship will fail but for insurance incase it does. Just like I don’t expect my house to burn down but I still have home insurance. I don’t think most women realise how hard it is to leave a domestic violence situation in a hurry. You usually don’t get time to pack up everything you want and agree on a property settlement. You flee with what you can carry (often just your purse and the kids) and then what?

There is limited crisis housing available, there is limited funding available and in this tech savvy world it is even harder to hide. And guess what most of the women I see never expected their partner to turn out like this and they are from all walks of life not just the lower-socioeconomic bracket. In fact the ones that seem to have the hardest time are the middle income educationed women.

Also going to say this money should not be in a bank account. It should be somewhere that your spouse will never know unless you tell them. Cash is best because often you will need it straight away to pay for food and accommodation.

Post # 59
2126 posts
Buzzing bee

We both have our own accounts,  and combined accounts. I also keep cash. My SO is a really good spender so I have long term savings. This isn’t in case we break up, although I guess it could be, it’s more like some spare money if a car needs a major repair, we need a new fridge etc, or if for whatever reason we’re short for a mortgage payment. I like the term fuck off fund though! 

Post # 60
2663 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Ha! No, but I did used to think about it before things were serious. Whatever may happen between Darling Husband and I, I truly believe we’d look out for each other.

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