(Closed) "Fuck Off" fund. Do you have one?

posted 4 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 107
Member
550 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016 - Theater

The short answer is: yes.

Though we don’t call it that. We just agree it makes sense to keep finances partially separate.

Post # 108
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I didn’t but not because I’m against it.  Money was just too tight for us to have anything left over.  I suppose for most people family is the backup.  I think it’sa good idea to have one.  At the same time, not having an easy backup plan–since, for me,  family isn’t an option–I worked harder than I probably would have otherwise to work through our problems. If walking away had been easy, there were a couple different times in our marriage when I really might have.   But now with it behind us, I’m glad I didn’t. 

Post # 109
Member
1062 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t have one but I’m certain my cousin has one. I think it’s her way of keeping money safe from the financially unstable husband/stepkids. 

Post # 110
Member
3223 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

HoneysHoney:  sure the ex is entitled to a portion of it. But you are entitled to a portion of everything, too… Which generally takes months and/or years to sort through in court, if there is anything left from the lawyers at that point (worst case scenario but it’s happened to more than one woman I know in her forties or fifties). In the mean time, what do you live on? What money do you use to find a new apartment? What do you do if your car breaks down or you get sick (or your kid gets sick?)

Eventually everything will get sorted and everyone is in a good place… But in the early stages of separation and divorce, you need something to fall back on. If you don’t get a divorce it can be an emergency “fuck, my boss is an asshole I can’t take” fund or a “Fuck, winter sucks let’s take an extra vacation because we’re 70 and we can” fund. Or even a “nursing home payment” fund. you can use that money for lots of things.

Post # 111
Member
881 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

leekissesme:  

Yes. I need to have my own money in case our marriage does not work out.

I think it is always wise for a woman to have money of her own that her partner can’t touch. 

 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  mrswhitecat.
Post # 112
Member
2658 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

All of my Fiance and my money is pooled together in a single account. We have an offset account for our mortgage so want every cent possible sitting in it to keep our interest down as much as possible. I’ve never really considered opening my own account – I understand the purpose, but would prefer for all of the money that I earn to go towards helping us pay off our house as quickly as possible. I like to think that we would both be mature enough to split everything should we ever break up – I know it doesn’t always happen that way, but you never know.

Post # 113
Member
9044 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

JessieFay13:  I can really understand that because who doesn’t want to pay their houses off quicker especially where we live with interest rates and housing prices. 

Statistically in a domestic violence situation the women usually settles for little to nothing because it is more important to get away than be tied up for years in a property settlement. It is a hard and tough battle to get a property settlement with an abuser. It is the last bit of control they have over you after you have left. They know you have no money and they know lawyers cost a lot. They draw it out hoping you see light and realise that it wasn’t so bad compared to living on welfare in public housing. 

It is a sad reality of the work I do watching women ho back to dangerous situations because they lack resources. Added to the ptsd, anxiety and depression most DV survivors have the sense of helplessness and hopelessness often makes them return especially for their childrens sake. It is heartbreaking to see but I can definitely see why some do. 

 

Post # 114
Member
2123 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

Absolutely not. I’m putting all of my trust and faith into this relationship. There is no backup plan. 

Post # 115
Member
11648 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

j_jaye:  exactly. the power and control wheel demonstrates so well how an abuser uses every tool at their disposal to render a woman dependent, such as threatening to steal the children away, locking her out of her home, closing bank accounts and credit cards, using the house as leverage to control her, and on and on. 

It’s nice that so many people here can’t imagine this, but it also makes me sad to see self care based on daunting statics labeled as preparing for divorce. 

No one wants to get a divorce, and no one wants to be abused. There isn’t a magical sign of an abuser, either. Some only surface when a woman is pregnant (most lethal time for a woman). I wish this weren’t true but pretending it’s not isn’t a practical solution. 

My hope is that every woman who thinks she doesn’t need this is proven right. But the statistics say otherwise and I don’t think we should judge women for taking care of themselves.

Post # 116
Member
9044 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

BalletParker:  100% agree with you. And after that other thread, some of the responses here make me sad and scared for women in general. 

Post # 117
Member
5956 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

leekissesme:  I didn’t used to, but after being married to my now ex – you bet I do! It was so up and down with him and there were a few times I thought he was just gone I’d take money out of our joint account because I thought he’d leave me high and dry. After we broke up, I was so thrilled to get my own accounts.

Now I’m remarried and we finally put our finances together recently. But we each still have our own accounts, too It’s a bit of independence I guess and… ya never know! (though this one is so much more stable I don’t think I’ll need it) Though it’s so small I wouldn’t get far. :-p

Post # 118
Member
3223 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

BalletParker:  I totally agree with this. 

I’ve seen far too many women my mom’s age get screwed over (emotionally, financially, ethically, physically) because they were hemmed into a box… And yet, generation after generation, we tell ourselves that it’s not only okay, it’s the morally right thing to do to get yourself into a very precarious situation because otherwise it shows… What? That you don’t love your spouse enough?

I’ve had women in this site tell me that the way my fiance and I do our finances (we pay expenses as we go, then total up our joint bills and settle the difference monthly) means we live “like roommates.” Um, no… We live like an engaged couple who has separate accounts and a good idea of where the money goes.

Post # 119
Member
11648 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

babeba:  you are so right. it’s a weird bit of logic to think that if we don’t “plan” for something it won’t happen. It’s just a protection mechanism we employ against the fact that we actually have very little control, but it’s sad to see women continue to judge other women for taking care of themselves.

Sounds like you do your finances like two grown ups who are merging. You have no “hidden expectations” – it’s very healthy and upfront. 

We don’t make a good marriage by sacrificing reality and ourselves:-) a good man will respect a woman for taking care of herself and will want her to! 

 

Post # 120
Member
893 posts
Busy bee

I have my own savings account that he could have access to if something happened to me. but it’s not a “fuck off fund”. just more like “we never bothered to combine our finances” account. he makes way more than me and understands that spending money that I earned is kind of a pride thing for me. 

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