(Closed) Fuh-Ruh-Strating!

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

#1. If you are already living with him he has no incentive to marry you

#2. If you have been with him for more than 3 years and you don’t have a ring on your finger (and you think he’s “it”,most importantly!) and he has made no move to get married, give him an ultimatum.  If no move is made, call your bluff.  Walk on out.

#3 If this does not work and he has no good reason for not getting married to you(he might have a legit reason like no money, etc.) He wouldn’t of married you anyway so don’t feel bad about it.  If you nag him for it, you won’t get a ring.

Post # 4
3521 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@posh_princess: Or worse, you would get a ring…a shut-up ring. I think you and your boyfriend need to really talk about a timeline here, and I agree with posh_princess–if he doesn’t want to commit, leave.

ETA: #1 was kind of snarky and unnecessary.

Post # 5
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Snobunny had an interesting post on here the otherday about the waiting and how after watching dr. phil her now Fiance, changed his attitude about it. You should look it up, it might help explain things to your SO.  also who’s to say he doesn’t have the ring and you WERE going to get it soon?

Post # 6
4693 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@posh_princess: Ouch.  I think a blanket statement like that was a bit unneccessary. 

#1. If you are already living with him he has no incentive to marry you

Yes, he does still have an incentive to marry you even if you live together first. 


@katydiddle:  I would be frustrated with the friend telling him to reconsider marriage because of something that happened in their relationship, but hopefully your boyfriend will realize that their relationship has nothing to do with yours! 

Post # 7
1368 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I know how you feel!!! I don’t know what’s going on in your relationship but I know how you feel!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe you recognize my new post about jealousy. I am feeling a great deal of frustration right now. ok so just a few hours ago, on the phone with my bf, I admitted that my day wasn’t fabulous when he asked how my day was. Maybe it was NOT a good move but I couldn’t help telling him what’s going on with my heart/mind. I told him that I’m frustrated and jealous of someone who has what I really want and who I don’t think deserves it as much as I do. I don’t mean to put pressure or anything but I just had to get it out. Sigh. Thankfully he took it well and seemed to understand the frustration for not getting what you want badly. He says don’t worry but it hasn’t helped. yet. I just have to get over it myself. Because the thing is, I’m not worried, I’m frustrated and jealous.

Anyway, you’re not alone for feeling the way you do.

Post # 8
19 posts

ahh!! That is very frustrating. I worry when people say things like that in front of my SO and I because I feel that it will make him not want to get married. However, I think that once someone makes up their mind that you are the one for them, someone else’s comments might not have all that much weight. He probably realizes that she is just upset…and his response of ‘not worrying so much about what others are doing’ sounds like he heard what she was saying…and then moved on. You could look at this as a window of opportunity – next time you bring it up you now know that talking about other couples seems to cause him to shut down and tune you out, so it sounds like he will listen and DOES want to marry you…just avoid bringing other people into the conversation.

I used to do the several of the same things: using others’ relationships as an example, bringing it up when I was already upset/tired (a HUGE NO NO!), and thinking something was wrong with me. I finally told him how I felt (and it is true…most men are black and white and cannot read the hidden meanings what we are saying – we just have to SAY it), and that I felt like all I was doing was killing myself trying to prove that I was good enough. I only told him how I felt, and didn’t breathe a word about others…I just told him my feelings. He told me it was not because I was not good enough or that I was not that one for him, it was that he has a plan in his head for when he was going to do it (which he then told me, phew!), and did not want to ruin the surprise. So my surprise was ruined, but I felt much better. Believe me, there is nothing wrong with you. It is just the fact that he is male and you are female and we overanalyze and worry and they just do what they are going to do.

Post # 10
2317 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I agree with giving snobunny post a read. Here

Also I see how that could be very frustrating, I suggest drop it for a few days and approach the topic again, just so he won’t think anyone else is triggering these issues. Goodluck and I hope everything works out for you in the end.

Post # 11
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Oh honey, I’m sorry.  I know how sucky it is having to wait and couldn’t imagine if someone told my then Boyfriend or Best Friend to think it over when I was in the throes of waiting.  I’d probably get a little homicidal, to tell you the truth. 

Although Posh is dead wrong on the living together thing (this is true in cases where the guy doesn’t want to get married anyway, so in the grand scheme of things it might prolong the wait, but it’s not usually the deciding factor in his proposing at all), she’s right on the other stuff.  

The last thing you want is a shut up ring.  I’ve gotten one before and believe me, there’s no joy in it.  It’s honestly better to not have one at all and just leave. 

How old are  you and how long have you been waiting?

Post # 12
52 posts
Worker bee

I’m glad my post has been helpful to some!

to the OP–that must be really frusterating. I’d be very upset at the girl texting your SO and telling him to really think things through…she needs to mind her own. 

and don’t listen to the first poster who said he has no incentive to marry you– I’m tired of women getting disapproving comments about moving in with their significant others before marriage.

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