(Closed) Fuming!!!!!!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Maybe his parents were the ones that thought it was a crazy quote? Maybe they don’t know how things cost. He may just be throwing anything out there because his parents were on his back. Since your parents are paying and now his parents are paying this part he is probably translating it to you from them. Just a thought.

Post # 4
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Your fiancee sounds like he’s beeing a bit of a jerk.  And….from how you’ve described him, making you wait 8 years for a proposal, blaming his bad luck on condos on you, calling you materialistic….are you sure you want to marry him and aren’t just hanging on because you’ve invested so much time into your relationship? 

TO me (an outsider), you seem like you two have a lot of problems going on….I mean, he doesn’t even have room for your stuff in his condo?  I just moved across the country to be with MY Fiance in a small 1-bedroom apartment in the NYC area, and he purposely sold half his stuff, so I could bring some of my stuff here.  And he did it voluntarily.  

Maybe you should rethink the guy you’re marrying.  Does he expect for your parents to give you money for a down payment on a house?  My Fiance would NEVER accept money from my mother–for anything!  Not for the wedding, not for a house, not for a dinner.   Never.  He wants to provide for himself–and me—by himself.

The whole thing is a little weird.  Sometimes I wonder if this is why a higher % of couples who live together for a long time before marriage get divorced–like, if you just feel “stuck” in the situation because you’ve already gone this far, so you feel like you should just go through with the marriage.  I’m just typing out loud here….

Post # 5
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Im spending 5500 on my flowers for a 140 person 15 table wedding, maybe tell him thats how much a few brides are spending and that yours is under average. My Fiance has no clue how much things cost, when he blows up about cost I just give him a little perspective.I am only getting married once, and I deserve a big day.

 

Funny thing about the condo, We are in the EXACT SAME situation except for the fact that the condo he purchased with his ex. Her cat is still here too! Hang in there, you are doing your best, he is probably just shocked…

 

Post # 6
Member
1471 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I think he is being influenced by his parents…. I think they did not realzie how expensive anything with the word wedding attached actually is and they probably said somethings to him and now he is projecting them to you. 

you need to get and actual $ number from them and a budget before you go any further…. that was probalby what should have been done in the begining then you know how much they are willing to spend… Good Luck

Post # 8
Member
1471 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@BookGirrl:  i think to rethink the marriage is a bit extreme and very silly dont you?!? 

I think what you Fiance is thinking and feeling is that the mony you guys are spending could be a enough for a downpayment on a house and thats how he is feeling righ now, just confused about spending so much $ on a weekend event when it could really be enought for a downpayment….. this has im sure been soemthing his parents have been telling him so he is projecting… you gusy just need to sit and talk, this is what you both decided to do, so talk to him!! 🙂

Post # 9
Member
1370 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Okay, well it sounds like you’re both frustrated about a lot more than flowers – but to address that first can you take him to the florists to see that there isn’t anything lower you can do for flowers? Or take his parents? Just a thought.

I’m sorry you’re in this position and I’m sure this is mostly a vent, but you need to be talking to your Fiance about this. Don’t let it fester. He can’t help the real estate bubble bursting so don’t hold on to resentment about the bachelor pad. It’s what you have right now and there’s nothing that will change that. Look to the future. Do you have a plan to save for the house? How much money you need to have or what sort of position you want to be in?

Again, I’m sorry you’re frustrated but it sounds like only your and your Fiance can sort this one out. Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
10288 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

There’s a lot going on here so I’ll address each thing separately…

Flowers: I personally think that $3k is a LOT for flowers and I don’t blame your FIL’s for feeling the same way. My IL’s offered to pay for our flowers as well and we never discussed a budget. I think my Mother-In-Law was pretty ecstatic when the total bill came to roughly $600. In order to keep costs down, we did alternating floral and non-floral centerpieces as well as used a supermarket florist (our flowers were amazing!). Would this be a possibility for you?

Wedding costs: I think most men expereince some element of sticker shock. I know Darling Husband did and we *only* spent about $15k. To them, it’s one day that will be over before you know it. There are so many other things that the money could be used for. As much as it is YOUR (meaning yours and your FI’s) wedding day, it really is more for you than anyone else. Noone will blame you for wanting to have a wedding as many women do, but you and your Fiance really need to be on the same page or else he could end up resenting you even if your parents are footing the bill.

Housing: You can’t really blame the housing issue on your Fiance. You DID get to choose your home when you opted to move in with him. You could have gotten your own apartment but you didn’t. It’s not his fault that the market crashed and he’s not able to sell his condo. He’s certainly not alone in that since I know quite a few people who are in a similar position.

Wedding gifts: You very well could end up with enough money for a down payment but banking on that isn’t wise. Some couples turn a profit and others don’t. It all depends on how generous your guests are. You may think Aunt Ginny will be loose with her purse strings and write you a hefty check but you really never know. We were surprised when it came to our wedding gifts (both in a good and not so good way). 

Post # 12
Member
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

IMO, two things could be occurring…1) the stress from wedding planning, period, has hit one of its many ugly peaks (probably induced by his parents freaking out over the dollar amount bc they were not privvy to wedding costs??), and you two are taking it out on one another. or 2) the problem(s) you are fighting about come from something/somewhere much deeper, and well, a wedding stressor they are NOT, but in fact a bigger problem.

The ‘blame’ game will not get you ANYwhere, ever.  He cannot blame this wedding, of which your parents are paying for, on NOT being able to get a bigger house.  Similiar to you cannot blame him for living in a crappy condo he bought with none of your stuff, as you knew the situation beforehand, etc.  In that regard, you are both in the wrong. 

Where you go from here…well, a nice long civilized conversation is probably needed.  Gently remind him that this wedding is to celebrate your marriage, and your parents are kind enough to pay for it.  Gently remind him that you are trying to cut corners where you can.  Offer to pay for the flowers yourselves if his parents are not comfortable with the dollar amount.  And then, discuss each of your plans after the wedding…in regards to the wedding money you may/will receive, etc.  Finally, take a break from the wedding talk for a week with him…go on a couple nice dates, have fun, and relax.  It sounds like you both could use it!!

Post # 14
Member
4887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think you guys need to sit down and have an honest discussion about all of this.  Clearly you’re on two different pages, and you need to have the wedding that suits you both.  Just talk it out.

Post # 16
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee

It sounds like now that the time has come to pay for what they offered, his parents have been chirping in his ear.  Rather than manning up to them & setting a boundary, he’s throwing you under the bus and crapping on your head. Not cool. But that’s a separate issue.

In your case, I would suggest you do up a budget spreadsheet of what it *should* cost (with the low/high range) if you weren’t calling in any favours vs. what it is costing with your all your hard work trimming the budget down. 

However, if he’s making a case  that you should not have a wedding and should just ask your parents for their money so you can buy a house together, red flags & alarm bells should be going off.

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