Post # 1
Hi Bees! I am posting under an assumed identity because I am really angry with my Fiance today! I have been trying really hard to plan our wedding and be sensible about a lot of things. I am always looking for the best deals and I am not an excessive spender. My parents are paying for pretty much the entire wedding. I am their only child and they have been waiting a long time for this and are very excited. My FI’s parents offered to pay for our flowers but never gave us a set budget. We have a large wedding. Over 200 people! (almost ALL family) I talked with a few florists and I went with the cheapest quote at $3000. I didn’t pick overly extravagant centerpieces. It’s just that there are so many tables. He texts me today saying that the quote for the flowers is ridiculous and he is disgusted with how much money we are spending on this wedding! Excuse me?! WE are not spending ANYTHING! So I say, “alright well maybe I can do something else for the tables and just have the bouquets and stuff” and he tells me that it annoys him that he is marrying someone who is either all or nothing and can’t see a middle ground. Again, WHAT?!?! I thought that only having flowers for the wedding and not reception was a compromise and middle ground.
He then starts flipping out about how he wants a home and not a huge party. Well you know what? SO DO I!!!!! I am not the one who bought a condo after everyone else told me not to and then the market crashed and here we are 6 years later in a small one bedroom condo that looks like bachelor pad because I can’t have any of my things in there because there is no room for me. I try not to get mad about this because he didn’t know the market was going to crash. He thought he would buy it, live in it for a few years and then sell it and we could get a place together. (We weren’t living together or engaged when he bought his place) I have really tried to not get mad about the living situation but it’s hard! I didn’t get to choose my home. Now he wants to not have a wedding because he wants a better home. SO basically you want to take away something else from me? I had to wait 8 years for a proposal and now I can’t have a wedding?! WTF!!!!!! I just don’t think its right.
My parents wanted to throw us this wedding and were hoping that the money we receive as gifts can go towards a house. I was hoping for that too. Am I being crazy here? Am I not seeing something clearly? I would also like to mention that my friend who is a professional DJ is DJing the wedding for free and pulling out all the stops with full uplighting and other stuff. My best friend is a professional stylist and will be doing all hair and makeup for the day for free as well. I feel I have tried to create a beautiful wedding for us for the best possible price especially since I don’t want my parents to have spend any more than they have to even though insist they just want to give me a beautiful wedding and it doesn’t matter. Can someone give me some kind of advice or something here?! I am just not a happy camper right now and of course am stuck at work while this is festering inside of me! I’m sorry if this is a bit of a ramble and not totally coherent L
Post # 3
Maybe his parents were the ones that thought it was a crazy quote? Maybe they don’t know how things cost. He may just be throwing anything out there because his parents were on his back. Since your parents are paying and now his parents are paying this part he is probably translating it to you from them. Just a thought.
Post # 4
Your fiancee sounds like he’s beeing a bit of a jerk. And….from how you’ve described him, making you wait 8 years for a proposal, blaming his bad luck on condos on you, calling you materialistic….are you sure you want to marry him and aren’t just hanging on because you’ve invested so much time into your relationship?
TO me (an outsider), you seem like you two have a lot of problems going on….I mean, he doesn’t even have room for your stuff in his condo? I just moved across the country to be with MY Fiance in a small 1-bedroom apartment in the NYC area, and he purposely sold half his stuff, so I could bring some of my stuff here. And he did it voluntarily.
Maybe you should rethink the guy you’re marrying. Does he expect for your parents to give you money for a down payment on a house? My Fiance would NEVER accept money from my mother–for anything! Not for the wedding, not for a house, not for a dinner. Never. He wants to provide for himself–and me—by himself.
The whole thing is a little weird. Sometimes I wonder if this is why a higher % of couples who live together for a long time before marriage get divorced–like, if you just feel “stuck” in the situation because you’ve already gone this far, so you feel like you should just go through with the marriage. I’m just typing out loud here….
Post # 5
Im spending 5500 on my flowers for a 140 person 15 table wedding, maybe tell him thats how much a few brides are spending and that yours is under average. My Fiance has no clue how much things cost, when he blows up about cost I just give him a little perspective.I am only getting married once, and I deserve a big day.
Funny thing about the condo, We are in the EXACT SAME situation except for the fact that the condo he purchased with his ex. Her cat is still here too! Hang in there, you are doing your best, he is probably just shocked…
Post # 6
I think he is being influenced by his parents…. I think they did not realzie how expensive anything with the word wedding attached actually is and they probably said somethings to him and now he is projecting them to you.
you need to get and actual $ number from them and a budget before you go any further…. that was probalby what should have been done in the begining then you know how much they are willing to spend… Good Luck
Post # 7
@BookGirrl: I know it probably seems that way. To be fair, he did offer to get rid of some of his stuff and put it in storage to make room for me and my stuff but I insisted that they were things that brought him joy and I didn’t want to take them away from him so I can’t totally blame him for that or play victim I guess. As far as my parents giving us a down payment, I don’t think he expects that. I really don’t know what he expects. He hates when they buy us stuff and usually never does want to take anything from them. Even money in a card for his birthday. I honestly just think he is shocked by how much money a wedding costs even though ours is not outrageously expensive by any means.
Post # 8
@BookGirrl: i think to rethink the marriage is a bit extreme and very silly dont you?!?
I think what you Fiance is thinking and feeling is that the mony you guys are spending could be a enough for a downpayment on a house and thats how he is feeling righ now, just confused about spending so much $ on a weekend event when it could really be enought for a downpayment….. this has im sure been soemthing his parents have been telling him so he is projecting… you gusy just need to sit and talk, this is what you both decided to do, so talk to him!! 🙂
Post # 9
Okay, well it sounds like you’re both frustrated about a lot more than flowers – but to address that first can you take him to the florists to see that there isn’t anything lower you can do for flowers? Or take his parents? Just a thought.
I’m sorry you’re in this position and I’m sure this is mostly a vent, but you need to be talking to your Fiance about this. Don’t let it fester. He can’t help the real estate bubble bursting so don’t hold on to resentment about the bachelor pad. It’s what you have right now and there’s nothing that will change that. Look to the future. Do you have a plan to save for the house? How much money you need to have or what sort of position you want to be in?
Again, I’m sorry you’re frustrated but it sounds like only your and your Fiance can sort this one out. Good luck!
Post # 10
@sdub2bsben: Sigh. Deep breaths right?! Is it a little wierd that the cat is still there? ha
@Future Mrs K: He might be. And when I initially started going to florists I asked what our budget was and he didn’t give me a number. His parents paid for all of the flowers for his brothers wedding too. His mom said it was $200 which is NOT accurate. There were 5 bridesmaids, 5 groomsman and like 15-20 tables with all white roses as centerpieces. Granted there were small but you couldn’t do all of that for $200. He guesses that it was more than that but his dad just told his mom that and paid the real price.
Post # 11
There’s a lot going on here so I’ll address each thing separately…
Flowers: I personally think that $3k is a LOT for flowers and I don’t blame your FIL’s for feeling the same way. My IL’s offered to pay for our flowers as well and we never discussed a budget. I think my Mother-In-Law was pretty ecstatic when the total bill came to roughly $600. In order to keep costs down, we did alternating floral and non-floral centerpieces as well as used a supermarket florist (our flowers were amazing!). Would this be a possibility for you?
Wedding costs: I think most men expereince some element of sticker shock. I know Darling Husband did and we *only* spent about $15k. To them, it’s one day that will be over before you know it. There are so many other things that the money could be used for. As much as it is YOUR (meaning yours and your FI’s) wedding day, it really is more for you than anyone else. Noone will blame you for wanting to have a wedding as many women do, but you and your Fiance really need to be on the same page or else he could end up resenting you even if your parents are footing the bill.
Housing: You can’t really blame the housing issue on your Fiance. You DID get to choose your home when you opted to move in with him. You could have gotten your own apartment but you didn’t. It’s not his fault that the market crashed and he’s not able to sell his condo. He’s certainly not alone in that since I know quite a few people who are in a similar position.
Wedding gifts: You very well could end up with enough money for a down payment but banking on that isn’t wise. Some couples turn a profit and others don’t. It all depends on how generous your guests are. You may think Aunt Ginny will be loose with her purse strings and write you a hefty check but you really never know. We were surprised when it came to our wedding gifts (both in a good and not so good way).
Post # 12
IMO, two things could be occurring…1) the stress from wedding planning, period, has hit one of its many ugly peaks (probably induced by his parents freaking out over the dollar amount bc they were not privvy to wedding costs??), and you two are taking it out on one another. or 2) the problem(s) you are fighting about come from something/somewhere much deeper, and well, a wedding stressor they are NOT, but in fact a bigger problem.
The ‘blame’ game will not get you ANYwhere, ever. He cannot blame this wedding, of which your parents are paying for, on NOT being able to get a bigger house. Similiar to you cannot blame him for living in a crappy condo he bought with none of your stuff, as you knew the situation beforehand, etc. In that regard, you are both in the wrong.
Where you go from here…well, a nice long civilized conversation is probably needed. Gently remind him that this wedding is to celebrate your marriage, and your parents are kind enough to pay for it. Gently remind him that you are trying to cut corners where you can. Offer to pay for the flowers yourselves if his parents are not comfortable with the dollar amount. And then, discuss each of your plans after the wedding…in regards to the wedding money you may/will receive, etc. Finally, take a break from the wedding talk for a week with him…go on a couple nice dates, have fun, and relax. It sounds like you both could use it!!
Post # 13
@OUgal0004: Yes, I think we are playing a bit of blame game which is not right. We are both majorly stressed right now and taking it out on one another. Some fun would be most welcomed. I’m definitely talking to him tonight when we both get home from work.
@UpstateCait: I will definitely look into some more alternatives for flowers. I’m not against it all. I’m not counting on getting enough money from our guests for a full down payment but I know what we do get will help us along the way. I was thinking we could put into savings and continue to add to it for at least another 6 months before looking for a home.
Thank you bees for all of your advice and insight. Sometimes you just need an outside perspective. I am starting to calm down a little 🙂
Post # 14
I think you guys need to sit down and have an honest discussion about all of this. Clearly you’re on two different pages, and you need to have the wedding that suits you both. Just talk it out.
Post # 15
@Future Mrs K: Yes. The budget would have been very nice to have in advance!
Post # 16
It sounds like now that the time has come to pay for what they offered, his parents have been chirping in his ear. Rather than manning up to them & setting a boundary, he’s throwing you under the bus and crapping on your head. Not cool. But that’s a separate issue.
In your case, I would suggest you do up a budget spreadsheet of what it *should* cost (with the low/high range) if you weren’t calling in any favours vs. what it is costing with your all your hard work trimming the budget down.
However, if he’s making a case that you should not have a wedding and should just ask your parents for their money so you can buy a house together, red flags & alarm bells should be going off.