Post # 1
Not quite sure how to word this, but here goes…
Recently my boyfriend admitted to me that he hasn’t got a ring yet, hasn’t talked to my parents, and needs more time to earn money for a ring (he just finished grad school). I had thought a proposal was coming soon, but turns out it will be at least a few months away. I’m bummed but accepting it, and honestly it feels good to know at least where things stand – the whole guessing and wondering and getting excited but feeling dumb for getting excited thinking it was happening soon thing was driving me CRAZY!
So, this weekend, my SO suggests that we look into taking a trip together for a week around thanksgiving, since his paid internship is over then, and hopefully he is getting a professional job that starts shortly thereafter. I love almost NOTHING MORE than going away to tropical places together, and of course my first thought it ‘Hawaii, hell yes!’ or whatever. Now, I’m almost positive this won’t be a ‘proposal vacation’ or whatever, because SO asked me to do some research at work when I have down time on cheap places to go and cheap vacation packages. If he was planning on proposing, I am almost positive he’d be doing more of the research leg-work.
Anyway, so here’s the real question. I know he doesn’t have much money, and I’m worried that going on this vacation would use up the money he’d otherwise hopefully be spending on an engagement ring. And although I really love vacations, I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to get engaged soon and get married next spring/summer/fall. He knows this. But maybe isn’t thinking about it? I think that sometimes guys can’t keep things in mind very well, and I’m worried that it’s just kinda slipped his mind. A part of me wants to say something to him like “you know J…, I’d LOVE to go to Hawaii with you, but I’m worried that if we do that, it pushes us eventually getting married back further because of $.” And maybe he’d say “no don’t worry, those are seperate funds’ or he’d say ‘oh you are right, maybe we should take a road trip instead for that time’ or he’d say ‘babe, stop talking about engagements I’m not really ready to save and spend money on that yet.’ I just don’t know. And I don’t know if I WANT to know. And I especially don’t want to look like a crazy demanding overbearing girlfriend forcing him to use his money certain ways. It’s awkward, it’s hard! I’m mainly trying to just keep quiet since I’ve talked so much about it lately, but this seems big. Should I ask? And if so, any suggestions of HOW to say it that sounds good? thanks!
Post # 3
Thats a tricky place to be in, I personally would ask about taking a smaller trip and getting engaged sooner rather than later
Post # 4
@boardersarita: It sounds like he wants to take a vacation because his paid internship ends before he starts his new job. I don’t think it’s appropriate to tell him or even kind of hint that you’d rather not take a vacation so he can save money for a ring. This may be the only time for a while that he can take this vacation. That’s kind of unfair because you want your ring sooner to tell him he might have to wait for his vacation for another time, not knowing when that will be?
While it may be in your mind that you want to get engaged by a certain time, he might have a different timeline. If he’s starting a new job in his career, he may want to wait a while before getting engaged because it can all be overwhelming if it all happens at once. That (ie, the timeline) may be something you want to discuss, but don’t bring up the vacation in that discussion b/c those are 2 separate discussions.
Post # 5
I think @futuremrsk18: makes a really good point. He might just need a break from everything. If he is starting his job soon, then funds will be on the way after that. Maybe you should enjoy having him to yourself for that week and makes some wonderful tropical memories. Show him that the two of you are perfect while on the vacation. Make him believe that it doesn’t get better than you. 🙂 Then he’ll come to the conclusion on his own that he needs you and will act upon that.
Post # 6
I’d be upset that he’d prefer to go on a vacation than propose to me especially if he was already tight with money.I think personally I would talk to him about it and see what kind of a timeline he has in mind. How old are you , how long have you been together?
Post # 7
@blueberries123: I’m 29, he is 31, we’ve been together just over 3 years, living together 1.5ish. We’ve talked engagement a lot, and it’s confusing. Some days he says “I’d marry you tomorrow if we don’t have to have a big wedding production” and other times he tells me to ‘give him a minute’ and to stop talking about it.
@EvenAngelsFall: You are totally right, it’s just so HAAARD. Ok, that’s me whining, sorry. I just feel like he should, and does, know that I’m the one, and we are great together. He’s said this. But then again, now that I’ve gone all wedding/marriage obsessed, I’m probably pretty annoying to be around. We’ve travelled all over together though already in the past few years – to New Orleans, to Central America, to New York, on ski trips, to LA, to Seattle, etc. I’m not saying I don’t want a great romantic beach vacation with him, cuz I DO, but it’s just hard to realize ok, so this means longer till we get engaged. And you are totally right, until he has the ‘real’ job, it’s probably not happening. It’s just super hard to wait like this, when I finished graduate school at 24 and have been working professionally for years, in a stable job, etc., and feel super ready NOW to settle down. Sorry for whining. I’m just worried I won’t be fun on vacation! I gotta figure out how to cheer up and put it on the back burner, and also maybe just find the cheeeeeeeapest deal on a hawaii vacation so I can still save him a couple hundred bucks at least, even if it’s not explicitly talked about being for a ring or whatever.
Post # 8
I can’t keep my mouth shut. Urgh. I’m so mad. I spent some time this morning researching flights, etc. and found some stuff that’s kinda cheap, but not really cheap. The vacation will cost us each a little less than $1,000, give or take. Now, the rings I’ve shown my SO that I want are all around $1,500 – $3,000, and I keep thinking arrrghhhh… I wanna go to Hawaii, but I wanna get married too!
So we just talked on the phone quickly and I basically told him that. He said “but vacation would be more fun” and I started crying. Of course vacation would be fun! But I’m also not sure how much more fun I can have without the committment of getting married. I mean, if the guy knows he wants to spend his life with me, WHY can’t we just even have a rational discussion, and calmly decide to get marrie, and just f-ing DO IT. Just make the commitment. He said I’m putting a ton of pressure on him, and you know what, he’s right, I am. Because I hate this! Because I’m so sick of seeing everyone else around me getting engaged, especially when it’s after less time, and how he is so happy for them and thinks that’s great, yet doesn’t do it himself. I’m sick of wondering if I’m not quite pretty enough, or good enough, or fun enough or happy enough. I don’t care if we are poor, I don’t care if he doesn’t have a job (which, he sorta does, a well-paid 3 month internship right now). I stuck with him through graduate school when he was a stresscase and no fun to be around half the time, and now I’m ready to get on with my life. We are great together, but this is driving me totally crazy. I hate that I’m sitting in my office crying right now instead of getting work done. I hate that he just told me ‘you know what, I just don’t want to talk about this’ and I realize he NEVER wants to talk about it! I mean, that’s not true, he jokes azbout it all the time, but never a SERIOUS conversation. I didn’t mean to say anything, but I did. Ahhhh, and it didn’t go well.
Post # 9
@boardersarita: You need to calm down and breathe for a minute. It’s sounding like this is starting to make you neurotic, and that’s not a good look for anyone. (I’ve seen it in the mirror enough times to know!)
What about camping? Do you think he would agree to a camping road trip? Camping, if you do it old school with a tent and don’t rent an RV or a luxury cabin, costs next to nothing. You can probably get tents on sale right now at Bass Pro, and sleeping bags/air mattresses will come in under $100.
Or what about a cruise? Cruises can also be pretty cheap, if you do them right and depending on where you live.
Las Vegas could be another option, as long as you set only a small gambling allowance beforehand. There are a lot of good shows and things there, and you wouldn’t have to pay as much for airfare as you would for Hawaii.
If he insists on flying over oceans, would it be possible to do the backpack around Europe thing? I haven’t heard of anyone having done this recently, but when I was in my early 20s a friend did this. They stayed in hostels and ate cheaply, and aside from airfare it was really reasonable.
Post # 10
@EffieTrinket: Thanks EffieTrinket. The thing is, sure there are lots of ways to do it cheap – even camping in Hawaii. FLights aren’t that expensive from CA. It’s not just about the money though, now it’s about our phone conversation half an hour ago when he said “but going to Hawaii is more fun” (than getting married) which cruuuuuushed me. I mean, of course a trip to hawaii is fun, but i want him to also be excited about marrying me and having a partner for life, not just for a 6 day trip!
Post # 11
@boardersarita: I think I was writing my post as you were writing your update. I really hope he was kidding with the “more fun” remark. If not, that’s mean, and you two definitely have some talking to do. Let us know what happens!
Post # 12
The fun remark would upset me too. But I think you might be having a bad day, and he let the pressure get to him. He might want to marry you and think you are The One, but he wants to do it on his terms. Sure, you should both agree on a general timeline, but it kind of sounds like you want to tell him exactly when to do. What if he just doesn’t feel ready right now? It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you and won’t marry you, it just means certain things have to happen for him before he feels ready. And if that sounds like BS, I actually did a research paper on this lol There is in fact research out there that says that it’s not age or length of relationships (though those things are important too) but mostly marriage readiness that influences when people get married. Marriage readiness is mostly achieved through various events. For some people it’s finishing school, for others it’s getting a job, but it could also be a million other things. I don’t thinks it’s fair of you to judge him on his readiness, just because you’ve already achieved yours. It’s like having an “a-ha!” moment. You can’t force it, and some people just need more time. You have to wait for things to “click.”
Also, and this just cosmo and chic flick advice (lol), let him come to you. Make him want it. Do what pp said and go on that vacation and show him that he shouldn’t and couldn’t be with anyone else because you’re the best thing that ever happened to him.
And lastly, there’s no such thing as a cheap Hawaiian vacation lol That’s why I’m saving it for my honeymoon (however far away that is lol) so I could splurge as much as I want on it.
Post # 13
I think you should just talk to him about it. Ask him what his timeline looks like and if the vacation will change that.
Post # 15
@Kat_Kit2000: SO true. Excellent post. My man is one of these people aka “Still looking for his stray ducks” LOL
@boardersarita: I think though, you should go on the vacation. Ultimately, you guys are together because you love each other and want to spend time with one another. A trip is the perfect time to get to do that without the business and craziness of day to day life. I know it’s hard to wait (TRUST ME – Seven years for this girl) but it’ll be sooo worth it when it happens. You just need to sit back and focus on the reasons you guys are together and focus on just enjoying his company. A trip would help him relax, help you relax – maybe you guys will have a good conversation on the trip? Who knows. Hang in there though. I know what it’s like to go a little wedding crazy, I have my moments and probably will have more before I get engaged one day!!
Post # 16
We may as well be twins! My SO is planning a suprise destination vacation for us in Oct. I want so badly to be excited and enjoy the trip, but in the back of my mind I know he can’t afford this trip and a ring. He’s 34, I’m 27, been together 3.5years, living together almost 2… So pretty similar to you!
Its driving me nuts! The worst part is everyone is convinced hell propose on this trip, but I’m almost positive he won’t. It’s a constant reminder that it’s not going to happen! I’m dreading returning from the trip w no ring, I’m going to be so disappointed and embarrassed!