Funeral freakout

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Post # 18
Member
43 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Echoing PP that this isn’t about you and that it’s not a dead body. It’s a person who was loved and will be missed. 

Post # 19
Member
3756 posts
Honey bee

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echomomm :  We live on planet Earth, and it is not a requirement to walk up to the casket or even have an open casket. For some of us it is because of our religion not to have an open casket. For others it is a deeply personal choice. I found your response insensitive and rude.

Post # 20
Member
9445 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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katebluestone :  my husband is exactly the same. The first time he went to a non-Jewish funeral was for my uncle and I was way too distaught to even think to warn him that the casket would be open because it’s just so normal to me. He’d also never been to an Irish Catholic wake and so the fact that his cousins/brothers were telling semi-inappropriate stories about the deceased and cracking jokes struck him as disrespectful when they were really just trying to remember him for all he was – faults and crazy stories included.

Post # 21
Member
353 posts
Helper bee

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lauralaura123 :  I think it’s great that you want to support your SO despite your fear. It’s great you’ll be going to the funeral. It’s okay to try and avoid seeing the body. I would mention it to your SO in a polite and respectful way that lets him know you’ll be there you just don’t want to look at the open casket.

So I’m mostly writing this in case you aren’t able to avoid the body. Maybe Too Much Information but for school I had to do a few months worth of cadaver dissection. It was hard at first, not going to lie. But I’ll be honest: they kind of look like movie props. The eyes are normally closed as well, so they aren’t staring at you. It’ll be a little weird, but I just kept telling myself it was a movie prop and it made me feel better. Something my dad said also made me oddly better: “It’s not a person anymore, it’s just a body. As soon as they passed their soul went forward, so nobody’s in there anymore.” I don’t know if that’ll help but I wanted to share my experience in case it does. Good luck!

Post # 23
Member
9639 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

I am Jewish and we don’t have open casket, they want your memory of them to be when they were alive. The first time I went to a funeral with a open casket it was freaky. After that, I just stayed far from that portion of the room so I didn’t have to look.

though in open casket, they do makeup, so the person looks ok. When my grandmother passed away, I went with my mom to help identify the body. Seeing my grandmother like that with the life sucked out of her was an image that is forever burned in my brain. When my father passed 6 months after that, I had to get someone else to identify the body bc I didn’t want that image in my head again. 

Post # 24
Member
3838 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

I’ve been to open casket funerals and it has never been a requirement that people walk up to the casket. Many people do of course, myself included, but I never thought it was mandatory. Who is even checking to see who did and didn’t go you there? And who could be so insensitive as to be insulted by someone not keen on viewing a dead body up close? What a weird thing to be a stickler about. The last thing I was worried about when I’ve been to relatives funerals was keeping track of who did and didn’t approach the casket.

OP, I think it’s fine if you explain to your BF that you’re happy to go and support him, but you’d rather stay in the back because of how uncomfortable it makes you.

Post # 25
Member
1095 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I feel for you bee as I would feel the same. Luckily I’ve never heard of anyone I know having an open casket unless there is a private optional viewing arranged a few days before the funeral. Otherwise it’s only ever been a closed one which is the norm here. If you don’t want to look though, just avert your eyes and follow everyone’s lead. 

Post # 27
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I understand your discomfort, but there are no re-do’s.  You can do this. I think you will find it wasn’t as bad as you imagined.  Go and walk up with your fiance,  for a brief walk by, then he can go and spend more time at the casket himself. Try some positive self talk ”I can do this”. It’s amazing how this works well

Post # 28
Member
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2008 - Toronto, ON

I have been to many funerals including my mom’s and when there’s an open casket it really isn’t that bad. I contacted her hairdresser to make sure her hair colour was the same she would have done it and told the funeral home and they also did her makeup beautifully and her eyes were closed like she was sleeping. They did tell me to change out the original blouse I brought for her to be buried in because she had a big lump on her neck, she had cancer so I just found one that would hide it. I sort of hugged her gently to pay my final respects and that felt weird but it was my way of saying goodbye I was very emotional. For someone not as close I would still go up to the casket to show my respects but I would not touch them. That is just my own personal experience. Do what feels right for  you.

Post # 30
Member
1134 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I’ve been to 3 open casket funerals for family members in the past 6 months :/ I also find it uncomfortable. My mom even accused me of being disrespectful for not kneeling and praying at the casket for one of them. I was livid. I would definitely go up to the casket with your SO at the beginning and end for him.

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