(Closed) Funeral :-( I need advice

posted 9 years ago in Family
Post # 3
2389 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t think that other people should determine whether or not you attend a funeral. If you feel that you would regret not attending, attend. If you feel more comfortable just sending flowers or something, do that. There’s no wrong choice. You have to do what makes you most comfortable. 

Post # 4
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

It sounds like you want to attend the funeral. So I say attend. I’d probably also make a donation to whatever they are taking donations for.

If you want to offer condolances to her husband or family, a nice card would be fine. I don’t think you need to justify why you are at the funeral though.

I agree with MissHobbit. Do what you feel comfortable with.

Post # 5
5949 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Short of being the person that took the deceased out of this world, I don’t think I’ve ever attended a funeral service where a particular person was not wanted.  Besides, funerals are for the living to say goodbye to their lost loved one, you qualify so it looks like it’s time to dust off something black and find a handkercheif.  Don’t worry about what you say to the bereived family, your face will say it all, and sometimes all you have to do is show up.

I am so sorry for the loss of your friend.

Post # 6
1963 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

If you want to go and it will give you closure it makes sense to go! If anyone tries to ask you about your career, let them know you are focussing on [friend] today and would prefer not to discuss your career at this time.

Post # 7
7637 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m sorry for your loss. Just go! People lose contact for a while for all sorts of reasons. I can almost 100% guarantee her husband will understand that and will appreciate you being there. As for her family and friends… the day is not about you, no one will be asking why you’ve dropped out of horses, because on the day of funeral no one is worried about that: it is a day to put everything else aside, remember the deceased, and comfort the bereaved. You are overthinking this. Just go.

Post # 8
6352 posts
Bee Keeper

Attend! This is about you saying goodbye to her, no one else’s opinion on your attendance matters. They will likely be only grateful you came, but if not, then not. You can let them take the lead on whether they want to talk with you. If not, just respect their wishes and keep to yourself, focus on what you’re there for. It’s not about you and them, but about you and her. Concentate on that.

Post # 9
2957 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Having planned several funerals (including my daughter’s) here is my opinion – a funeral is an opportunity to say good-bye and to honor the life of the deceased. Even if there had been no communication recently, if the person (related or not) played a part in your life and you wish to honor that – go. As for what to say to the husband/family – simply share your condolences. I can tell you I don’t remember a damn thing anyone said to me at my daughter or niece’s funerals – I was so consumed by grief. But I truly did appreciate the people who attended.

Post # 10
7172 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I think you should go.  In my experience, it means a lot to the family for people to show their support.  No one has a calendar and is keeping track of when the last time you saw the person or even what the state of your relationship was.  All they know is that you were compelled to attend and honor the life of their dear one.

As for what to say to her husband:  just offer your sympathy.  If you want to bring a card with you, perhaps you can write favorite things or memories about your friend or even acknowledging how much she loved her husband, etc.

FWIW, I’ve never regretted attending a funeral (even when I wasn’t sure if I should go).

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