- 3 years ago
Last June, R and Y (fictional names) announced their engagement via Facebook. Darling Husband and I congratulated them by Facebook as well as text and even invited them out to celebrate. R and Darling Husband have been friends for more than five years, while Y and I are more acquaintances. We did invited them to our wedding last year, and lend them our apartment to stay for a couple of days after the wedding (they traveled from outside the state). Darling Husband and I consider R and Y our friends, although we aren’t sure if they think of us the same way (we are always the ones reaching out to them, rarely the opposite happens).
Anyway, last June, shortly after proposing, R made a FB chat group for his collegue friends (including DH) were he told them all to start preparing because he wanted them to attend his wedding. All of the guys were excited, as well as Darling Husband, and promised to do anything in their power to attend (they are all from out of state, except for DH). R told them his wedding would take place July 2017, and promised to keep them updated.
At the end of July (last month), R went back to this FB chat group to let them know they had changed dates and were now planning on getting married on the third Saturday of March. He said they had to change the date because of vacations (we aren’t sure what he meant by that), and remind them to buy their tickets soon. Darling Husband and I were okay with it, although we are not 100% sure about the rest of the guys.
Then, a couple of days ago, R once again wrote on this FB chat group to ask if they (his friends) already knew if they could attend his wedding or not. He wanted to know because they were making a first draft of the guestlist and wished to know who could and couldn’t make it to their wedding prior to sending save the dates and/or invitations. Darling Husband replied with a “yes” because we are already living in the same state and there wouldn’t be much inconvenience for us. But the other guys hesitated and asked until when did they have to confirm or decline. R answered: “sometime around January” and a face with its tongue out. The other guys laughed and told him they’d let him know around those dates, to which R also laughed and said “that is why we are making a first draft”. Afterwards, both the guys replied basically saying “well, count me in until I say otherwise” and nothing else was said regarding that.
Darling Husband showed me the conversation (he wanted to show me other things that happened there) and I found it odd that R and Y were asking 7 months before the wedding if they’d be able to make it in order to decide either to add them or not add them to their first draft of a guestlist. I considered it poor etiquete, as I interpreted as a: “So, are you coming or can I give away your space for someone else?”. I also think it is sort of premature to expect confirmation and/or declines this early on (especially given that they are all out of town guests and probably most of them are still saving money, arranging travel plans, asking for days off from work, etc.). I told Darling Husband that I felt as if we were “invited but not really wanted”, as if R and Y were just returning us a favor for inviting them to our wedding last year. Darling Husband said I might be reading to much into it -which I tend to do- and offered another explanation: R was just trying to remind everyone to prepare their traveling plans.
I guess I can understand them trying to short-cut the guestlist. I remember myself stuggling to keep the number of guests under 100 people, and ultimately deciding not to invite people I knew might not be able to make it. But I don’t recall ever contacting those people to ask them if they were or weren’t coming in order to write them on or off my guestlist. But maybe I am the one who acted odd and it is totally okay to do this?
Before all of this I was planning on inviting them out again next month to hang out all together, but after this I am just left with a bitter taste on my mouth. Are we taking up the place of someone they’d rather have? Are we just “oops” guest (as in, he spoke to early and now they don’t know how to uninvite us)? Should I interpret this as a sign that they don’t want a close relationship with us? Or am I just reading too much into it? and How can I shake off the feelings of being a unwanted guest?