- 5 years ago
- Wedding: May 2014
My fiance and I have been together officially a year and a half, and drama with my parents has been practically non-stop for a year now. A lot has happened, but I will give you the cliffnotes version.
A bit about us:
My fiance is a successful project manager with a collection of fortune 100 & 500 companies he works with, and I have my Masters and successful in my field of education as well. We treat each other consistantly with respect, and never yell at each other, even when we fight. We are best friends and been practically living together for 8 months. My apartment is now an expensive storage unit, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. When we met, both of us were jaded by past relationships and not looking for anything new. We truely love each other; we have both always said we knew we were right for each other within the first week, and everything has been wonderful ever since.
A bit about my parents:
My mom is a stay at home mom who has sacrificed her life for her kids and husband. She claims she has a “sense” about people, and would always respond positively or negatively when I introduced a new boy or friend, based on this “sense.” Introducing her to people has always been rather stressful. I have always kept a fair amount of my life from her; I’m a bit of a private person (she’s a very public person), and it has been 6 years since I’ve lived at home. My dad is a workaholic who has always struggled with talking to his kids. Getting him to talk about anything beyond sports, his job, responsibilities, and technology is an epic struggle. He means well, but is simply an awkward guy with a bit of an anger issue. His temper used to terrify me as a child, and gave me a strong avoidance to yelling. I have always been the “good” kid who did everything they told me to do until I graduated from college, and hid any kind of resistance.
What has happened:
My fiance met my parents once, they got along, but my mom’s “sense” was that he was too short for me, and needs more direction and goals in his life. Due to the nature of his work and the economy, he hasn’t worked a job longer than a year but is very hard working and successful. A month after their meeting, my fiance and I decided to go to Florida to visit his dad and relax. He was my first serious relationship, and first time I went on a trip with just a significant other. I unfortunately forgot my phone, and in response, my parents were worried that they did not know this guy I was at the beach with, and ran a background check on my fiance, called the universities he attended to try to get his records, and did research “for me” on abusive relationships. They also came to my apartment after we were back and threatened to take away my car, pull me from graduate school, and stop paying my apt rent (all of which they had agreed to when I went to graduate school) if I didn’t break up with him. His background check was the wrong person, the middle name and picture was clearly another person. It took them a long time to admit this record was clearly wrong. Since then I am responsible for paying everything but health insurance because I’m currently on contract.
They have yet to apologize, or admit that what they did was wrong. My dad “feels disrespected” by me since I didn’t break up with him, even for a short period. My mom asked me to at least take a year “away from him.” But he treats me wonderfully, and is no way abusive. He’s supportive, calm and kind. When he gets upset, he simply walks away for a period, and apologizes when he does wrong by me, which isn’t very often in the first place. For the past year, I have been consistantly battling against assumptions my imaginative mom has generated. For the past 3 months, my dad calmed down, according to my mom. My dad and I have never talked much, so she always has to be the middle contact. Over Christmas he even commented on my fiance’s Christmas present for me. My mom said she thought things would be fine if I didn’t do anything “hasty” over the next couple of years.
My fiance proposed on New Years in the most amazing way. He got us into a black-tie invitation-only event downtown with a huge and talented jazz band, gourmet food, and an open bar with top-shelf alcohol only. When the countdown to the new year ended, streamers went up in the air and he went on one knee. It was amazing and special and my parents have since then ruined the excitement.
I called her that night to tell her, and she was upset. She is refusing to discuss the engagement, stating she isn’t going to tell anyone in the family, and that “Your dad and I can’t discuss this right now.” My mom “wishes she knew him first,” but hasn’t bothered to visit us to see him except for once a month ago. My dad has only met him once, and is furious he wasn’t asked my hand in marrage. I personally don’t feel my dad has the right to choose for me anyways.
Also, should I send engagement announcements to my family? I want them to know, but I fear they will call my mom and she’ll ruin this for me too.