(Closed) Furious Parents – What to do?

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
7649 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

First, I wouldn’t include your mom in any wedding talk if she is that judgemental. I wouldn’t ask them to pay for anything or expect much or else they will feel they have a say.

I don’t know why the dislike your Fiance so much. By what you described there really isn’t a reaso nthey should, so I feel there is something missing from this story, but in any event just take the top advice. I would still say send engagement announcements. Just because your parents get upset doesn’t mean the rest of the family will.

Post # 4
Member
853 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

How long has elapsed between the Florida trip and now?  I ask in case there are any remaining loans or finances aside from the healthcare that they could decide they will no longer support.

This is something you have to resolve with your parents.  It’s not comfortable when a dutiful child becomes and adult, but this is a conversation you need to have with your parents– face to face.  You’re an adult.  You have your own life.  This is who you have chosen.  It is not disrespectful to them, in fact it is a compliment to what fine parents they are that you have successfully matured and are wanting to start your own family.  Be firm.  Be understanding.  Be polite.  Your roles will shift more from the parent authoritarian to the parent friend/advisory role.  This will not be easy.  It will take years to get it down and it may never fully transition.

My parents had the “role shift” conversation with me when I turned 18 and went to college.  It’s 9 years later.  There are still times when my mother and I get irritated at each other because they were used to telling me what or how to do something.

But you’re learning too.  And this won’t be easy for anyone.  But you want them to understand how important their support is for your life moving forward.

As I said… it will be a difficult conversation, but it doesn’t sound like their problem is with your Fiance, but with you and how you relate with them.

Don’t take your Fiance to this conversation.  This is not the time to repair that relationship.  This is not the time to send out engagement announcements.  This is the time to establish how you and your parents will relate to each other.

I would suggest having an extended engagement to allow for time for your parents to get used to your Fiance.  If the conversation goes… okay with them, I would suggest reminding them that you love both of them as well as your Fiance and it’s important as people that love you, that you try to get to know each other.  Possibly (delicately) mention that you’re concerned a lot of this suspension of him arose from a miscommunication.

I think if it gets to this point you and your Fiance are going to have to have semi-uncomfortable attempts to socialize with your parents, but try to keep it to things that are not you staying overnight at their house– that just reinforces the parent/child roles that they seem to be very mired in.  Usually, this wouldn’t be anything to worry about, but with this… I don’t know.  Maybe meet for dinner, or visit but try to keep it where you will be some-what social peers.

I’m sorry, OP.  This is rough.  I don’t know if any of this will help, and it won’t be easy, but I think this is more your mother needing to learn that you’ve grown up and can make your own decisions rather than a reflection on you getting engaged.

Post # 5
Member
814 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

My only advice is to stop relying on them for financial support. If you’re ready to get married, you should be ready to pay your own expenses. If they’re unsupportive of your engagement, the financial aspect is just going to make things worse.

Post # 6
Member
3246 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@rckchalk:  Gosh, this sounds a lot like what I am going through, with the exception of the whole background check and threats to take away financial support unless you broke up with him, and the fact that you and he are already engaged. I luckily have not had to deal with the whole threats thing, but I have, and am still, dealing with problems like yours. I am so sorry to learn that you are going through this, and I don’t have much advice that hasn’t already been said, especially by @LittleCricket: who I think got it down. I just wanted to share and say that you are not alone in struggling with this kind of problem. It is not common (though through Weddingbee I’m learning it’s not as rare as I used to think), and I certainly feel very alone in trying to deal with it sometimes, and I feel it helps to know that others are living with the same issue.

 I do agree with PPs that struggling with this kind of thing is a long and painful parent-child separation process, and your mother and mine sound alarmingly similar, especially with the “sense” about people that allows for instant judgement of people’s characters.

I have considered breaking up with my SO because of the difficulties with my parents (esp. my mom) many times, but I don’t believe it is the right thing to do, since we, like you, have a wonderful relationship and are good for each other and love each other. Sometimes parents are just wrong! It is very hard to feel that and be OK with it, but I think that is part of the separation process too. . . and that does take years, unfortunately. I think there is hope that it does end, though.

Anyway. LittleCricket has good advice. I felt helped by that too. So thank you for posting your story.

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