Post # 32
Honestly if he’s THAT upset and that quick to rise to temper then I wonder if there isn’t something else going on here. Yall are married, you all share money, you have EVERY right to voice your concerns and the fact that he’s trying to blame you for feeling the way you justifiably do kinda makes me think there’s something else maybe he’s hiding.
Post # 33
There is something else going on here. I don’t know what but there’s something crazy up ahead OP. Maybe he shouldn’t have gotten married since he is still this emeshed to his brother.
Post # 34
His over the op reaction would be a huge red flag to me.
NOT acceptable for a husband to ignore his wife’s feelings like that. Refusing to even hear your opinion or discuss it al att is extraordinarily disrespectful.
Post # 35
@temporary: I agree with @badabing88:
You can’t suffer in silence when something is upsetting you. That’s not what marriage is about. But just because you made your point known doesn’t mean he will listen. Since you do have separate accounts, so long as he is paying his share of the bills, there isn’t much you can do. If it was a joint account, I would have already stopped that nonsense.
Is the money a loan, or is he literally giving it to him? I would never mix money with family, and luckily my Fiance agrees. We had many conversations about these potential issues so that nothing shocks us down the road, i.e. lending money, letting parents live with us, etc. Even if your money isn’t together, you still share a household so hopefully he will take your opinion into account. You are supposed to be his main priority. Sounds like he hasn’t the apron strings from his family yet.
Post # 36
@temporary: Your husband thinks your resentment of his brother is motivated by greed. It also sounds like he is extremely, extremely defensive about his brother so I’m not sure if he will be able to have a calm, reasonable discussion about the situation without blowing up at you. It also sounds like he might just prioritize his brother and their relationship over you and yours.
If he can calm down, maybe you can tell him that if he wants to continue to support his brother, that is his choice and you will say no more about it but that it DOES impact you when he’s working extra hours and taking time away from you to do so. You might also point out to your husband that if you were greedy, you would be encouraging him to work more, not less.
I’m just curious but what, if anything, has your Brother-In-Law done to minimiize the help he is asking your husband to provide? Has he used his own savings? Has he scaled back on his lifestyle? Did he get a roommate to help pay the mortgage? Anything? Does he plan to pay your husband back? Do you think his brother would be equally generous to your husband if the situation were reversed? Does your husband feel guilty that he makes more money than his brother?
If your Brother-In-Law has made efforts to be as self-sufficient as possible, that’s at least something. But if he hasn’t – if he continues to live comfortably and make no sacrifices because he’s happy to take from your husband, that’s something else altogether. However, if your husband has no problem supporting him – well, I’m not sure what you can do about that.
If you feel like you can say this without your husband feeling like you are attacking his brother, you can add that you worry that his brother is taking advantage of his generosity.
Its one thing to help a family member if they’ve fallen on hard times. Its quite another to provide ongoing support to another able bodied adult who is making a good living.
Post # 37
Wow, this is crazy! I’m so sorry! You know, it’s a stretch but I can sort of understand him wanting to support his family–different people have different ideas about what is right and “normal”…but even if you have separate accounts, you technically DO share finances, so he is way out of line to erupt simply because you shared your feelings with him. It sounds like you both need to work a lot on communicating. Is therapy an option?
Post # 38
I know I’m a highly suspicious person but that’s kinda something I’ve been thinking about. They may have seperate accounts but legally I believe if they were to divorce the money would be split….so is he giving his Brother-In-Law that much money to ‘store’? I can’t really think of a reason why he’d be THAT upset unless there is something else going on that we just don’t know about.
Post # 39
So, after a very tense situaiton, my husband ended up telling me that it’s not worth fighting over this and he loves me and does not want to fight. We made up but I could tell he was still upset about what I said. I ended up explaining to him that I still did not understand why he was giving money to his brother since he now has a job. he said that the job doesn’t pay for all the expenses so he’s helping him out for a bit. The conversation went in circles and ultimately I said that I won’t tell him to stop giving his brother money but I also will never understand it. I don’t know what he ended up doing in the end–whether he gave the money or not–and a part of me doesn’t want to know because it will just make me angry.
But what I find interesting is that I believe my inlaws know what happened–whether the brother told them or somehow they found out. I saw them recently and they were not the same towards me–particularly my father in law who is generally very warm…this time he gave me the cold shoulder and barely looked at me.
I don’t know why they think that my husband has some obligation towards the entire family just because he makes good money. It disgusts me because neither me nor my husband EVER ask for money or accept it from anyone. I can understand if someone needs money–and in that situation I would not say anything. But my inlaws do not NEED it–I think thiat is just their way of controlling my husband.
So…I guess I just dont know what to do anymore. I will likely not say anything considering that it will only make things worse.
Post # 40
Before you guys married, was this an issue?
I do agree with being married, yet having joint accounts (its prudent, especially in cases like this). However, for your husband to think its okay to support another grown ass man is unacceptable. I dont care that its his brother. It’s one think if its ocassionally, but every freaking month. No. Hell. No.
Post # 41
I sympathize because I to have family member that wanted to be a financial burden on me. I didn’t have it give and frankly even if I did, its my job to support another capable human being, who refuses to help themselves. For years I told them, I would not support them, they called my bluff.
They ended up going to homeless shelter and I didn’t blink an eye. So man who makes $80K a year, sorry no sympathy. My family member ended up doing just fine and is actually better off financially now than I am. People like that are hustlers, they act helpless until he rug is pulled out from under them. They end up doing what they HAVE to do rather than what they want to do (leeching off of family).
Post # 42
This is your joint money that your DH is giving away. I am gobsmacked that you are asking if you have any right to tell him not to give money away.
Now on to the problem: in any healthy marriage both partners come to compromise about financial issues. The compromise might be: DH has $X amoung of money that he can blow any way he wants to including throwing it at this brother.
But you two haven’t had that conversation and that compromise. You’ve got a lot of work to do in your marriage to get to a place where you can negotiate money issues.