(Closed) Futuer Sister-in-Law as Bridesmaid???

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 17
Member
3507 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@sjreed14:  I think its up to you. I was guilt trip into having FI’s sisters in the wedding and I wish I would have stood my ground and said no. To them they see it as well it’s my brother I should be in the wedding, but to me your bridesmaids are YOUR girls the once who always stood by you. Do whatever you want to do.

 

 

 

Post # 18
Member
1633 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

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@sjreed14:  but you are excluding ger from the Bridal Party because you’re not close. I think that is a good enough reason. My husband is very close to his sisters, but there wasn’t a give in they would be BMs. BMs hang out with the bride so it’s not like they would get extra face time with him. They are apart of the immediate family so they would be in a bunch of formal pics too.

Post # 19
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

For us, it was always a given that he would have my brother and I would have his sister. We are closer than most in-laws, so that was helpful, but even if we weren’t close, she would still be included. It’s a gesture of good faith and happiness to be joining a family to have siblings included. Not having a sibling-in-law feels like saying “your brother is good enough to be my husband, but you’re not good enough to be my sister.” 

Post # 21
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I asked my DH sister to be in our wedding party because I felt like I should even though I wasn’t particularly close to her (we also had her husband).  Well she turned into a crazy lady and they both ended up dropping out of the wedding party 2 weeks before the wedding.  I wish I hadn’t asked her.

Post # 22
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I was in a similar situation as yourself.  Actually almost identical.  With my wedding 3 months away, my situation is currently still tense between Future Sister-In-Law and myself because I did not include her in my bridal party. I too did not feel we were as close as some of my other friends (whom I’ve been friends with for over 10 years) and did not want her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man.  We asked her to do a reading – she flat out said “No, I want to be a bridesmaid.”  And then she threw tempertantrum after tempertantrum and she is now currently a “groomswoman” because one of the groomsmen dropped out.  

Needless to say our relationship is damaged.  She has shown her true colors and will probably never be someone I consider a “close” friend.  

The thing I would caution you about – what are the family traditions?  In my family, FSIL/FBIL does reading/usher.  In my FI’s family, FSIL/FBIL is included automatically in the bridal party.  My Fiance did not care if Future Sister-In-Law was a Bridesmaid or Best Man or not, so we defered to my family’s traditions.  And then the fireworks.  So, what are the family’s traditions?  This is a coming together of two families, so a blend of both traditions might be the best policy – not a way to get closer to her.  Forcing her to stand up with you on your wedding day is not guarenteed to form a relationship.  It might actually drive you apart and form resentments (you made me spend so much money traveling for the wedding and on the dress/bachelorette party/shower/hair/etc).  

Post # 23
Member
227 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I struggled with this a little myself.  I wasn’t very close with one of my FH’s two sisters since she lives a state away, but I ended up asking both to be bridesmaids.  I am very glad I did!  They are turning out to be more caring and helpful than I could have imagined and I am developing a great bond with each of them! 

Post # 24
Member
480 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@sjreed14:  personally, I think that siblings should be included in the wedding party.  They will be the ones who will be with you for the rest of your life!  Who better than to stand up with you?

Post # 25
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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@sjreed14:  I’m sorry I should have been more clear, I wasn’t saying that about your situation. I mean in situations where a bride isn’t close to the SIL just because they haven’t known each other long or seen each other much. If your Future Sister-In-Law is making you feel unworthy or unwanted, then I agree that you shouldn’t feel obligated to have her. I’ve read about so many brides not wanting to have their FSILs just because there are other people they are closer with. Of course there are people you’re closer with, but that doesn’t mean they will never be close to their sisters-in-law. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

Post # 26
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014 - 13th ~ TN

@sjreed14:  You should have her, She is his sister.

Post # 27
Member
4813 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@sjreed14:   My Fiance has two sisters and three SILs.  We’re having a small wedding and I felt if I asked one, I’d have to ask them all.  So I opted to ask my closest female friend to be my Maid/Matron of Honor and am not having any bridesmaids.   It has turned out to be a wonderful choice.  No drama.  🙂   

Post # 28
Member
4058 posts
Honey bee

@sjreed14:  My brother in law and his now wife got married before I was ever around, and they she went through the same thing where she didn’t include her husband’s sister, and she got snubbed through the whole wedding by her Mother-In-Law and SIL. I think that’s terrible, and nobody should put up with the immaturity of others when it comes to their special day. With that said, when it came to my turn, I included my Future Sister-In-Law knowing the drama that occured before me. I knew it would make my husband happy, and I knew it would relieve drama. I wasn’t happy about it initially, but I did get to know both SIL’s much better through the process and we are much closer now. I don’t condone the bad behavior on their parts, but I do think in the long run you would benefit from including her.

Post # 29
Member
1722 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

Initially, I wanted a wedding party. When we got engaged, I realized that the only possible thing that could come out of it was drama (so I didn’t have one — and it was great!). The thing is…I didn’t want my husband’s sister to stand up for us. I saw her as nosy and condescending, and I didn’t want unsolicited advice from the time we got engaged until the time we got married. It was easier not having her involved. The simplest way to do that — considering I have no sisters, but two sisters-in-law — was to table the entire thing. Obviously, at this point, that doesn’t appear to be an option for you.

As my wedding grew closer, I remember my Mother-In-Law asking me who was going to be in our wedding (then acting shocked when I said “no one”). She asked me some time later and was again shocked at the answer. Then, in private, she asked my husband “why,” and he said we didn’t feel like having one. That was when I took the opportunity to contact his sister directly and…well, basically lie to her. I told her it was nothing personal, we wanted a simple wedding, blahblahblah.

I don’t like her, but I have to give her credit: she was very cordial and receptive and simply said, “I don’t blame you, it’s more hassle than it’s worth,” and that was it. She herself never brought it up.

Tackling this directly could be one way to clear the air. Maybe email her and say:

“Hi, Jill. I wanted to talk about something that’s been bothering me. I feel I’ve given you the impression that I don’t like you, (blahblahblah). That’s not true. I care about and love you, but we wanted to have a small wedding party. My friend Sarah and I have been close for (blankityblankblankblank) years, and I know it meant a lot to her to stand up for us. (Include other excuses here; i.e., you wanted an even wedding party, and your Fiance didn’t want anyone else to stand up for you; etc.). Now, I’m going to end this letter with tons of compliments for you.”

This could be an opportunity to include her in other ways — would you be OK with her giving a speech at the wedding? Leading a prayer? Being a greeter/sort-of-usher? Is there any other role you would be comfortable giving to her?

 

Post # 30
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@sjreed14:  

I would include her, but I say that kind of reluctantly because of my own situation, which is sort of similar to that of

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@megz06:.  I asked my Future Sister-In-Law to be a bridesmaid because I thought I had to and because my Future Mother-In-Law really wanted me to, even though we’re not close, and we’re very different, personality wise. She has never made me feel like part of the family and she pretends to get my name wrong every time she sees me (my name is Jacqueline and I’ve been dating her brother for almost a decade – it’s not hard, and she should know it by now). She has been nothing but drama since we started planning. She made a ton of demands about the bridesmaid dress, but refused to either provide suggestions for a dress she’d like or come shopping with me and the rest of the bridesmaids to pick one out; she’s criticized my wedding dress, my centrepieces, and our food choices; she has never once come out with me and my bridesmaids for nights out even though we’ve invited her every time and then she complains that she’s the odd one out and we leave her out of everything; she tries to start drama between me and my other bridesmaids (my three best friends) by telling me that they’ve been mean to her… it’s just a nightmare. And we’re not even married yet. 

So. I don’t regret asking her, because I feel like there would be MORE drama if I hadn’t (and she gets all of her dramatic tendencies from her mom so I’d get it double), but if your Future Sister-In-Law is anything like mine, be prepared for a huge sense of entitlement and for some demands. Good luck, whatever you do! No matter what happens, you’re not alone and the bee is here to listen : )

 

 

 

 

 

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