(Closed) Future BIL and potential SIL are very hard to talk to? Please help :(

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 2
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

sounds like he needs to grow up first,  then try to build a relationship with him when he is ready to be an adult

Post # 3
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I have a similar situation. My SO has three brothers and the older one does not like me because I am very outspoken which is just like him…lol  But he likes women who are more subservient and quiet. So from our very first meeting we just gave each other bad vibes, I knew we were not going to have much to talk about. So when I’m around his family I try to keep the conversations very light talking about the weather or recent shopping experience, things that could not be turned into an argument. I think that you have a good ambition to want to be friends with them, but at the end of the day if that’s not what they want you’re just going to end up driving yourself crazy and stressing yourself out trying to force a relationship that is just not meant to be.

as for potential children being close with their cousins, I don’t think it will necessarily be a concern. I have certain relatives that don’t get along with other relatives and they still allow their children to play together. So as long as both sets of parents are mature, there shouldn’t be an issue with the cousins being close when they do see each other.

Post # 5
2402 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

You cannot force a relationship with anyone, just because you believe there should be one. Yes, you would think that your Fiance and his twin would be close, as would future children, but that just isn’t always the case. It also sounds like unless Future Brother-In-Law cleans his act up, you wouldn’t want him around your children anyhow. 

Post # 8
4113 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

You can’t force people to talk to you because they’re related to your Fiance. It doesn’t sound like you care to be around him anyways and are judgemental of his choices.. So whats the point in stressing out? Surely he’ll grow up at some point.. Try again then.

Post # 9
1838 posts
Buzzing bee

I think you should leave things as they are for now and not push things.

This is how your Future Brother-In-Law is. If even his twin has trouble talking to him, then I see nothing but irritation and actual distance coming about from you trying to force communication out of a quiet guy.

If you just have to try something, then every once in a while say, “Hey, we’re going to such and such place, would you like to go too?”. Just leave it at that, an offer to hang out. If he says “No, thanks”, accept it and move on.

Post # 10
317 posts
Helper bee

I guess what bothers me in your post is how in one breath you can say “it is heartbreaking” and in another one be so judgmental of your FI’s twin. It just gives off the vibe that you just want this “fantasy” that you wished for in your mind and they are just props that are getting in your way and don’t play their part.
If the reason you want to be close is because you have a true interest in them then yes but if it is just because that is what YOU want, I don’t think it is honorable at all.

Post # 11
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Meh, i take it as “you cant be best friends with everyone”. 

I get along fine with my SIL and her husband. My Brother-In-Law and his wife are a different story. He is very different from my husband, very cheap and self centered.  She isn’t much better and unless you only talk about her she has nothing to say.  My husband agrees and he says its really hard to get her to even speak, and his brother only calls him when he wants something.  Apparently she is shy, but they have been together 8 years why is she still shy? Anyway, they live close and we simply never see them.  They are just too different from us and thats fine. DH and his brother aren’t really friends so its not like he is forcing me to be nice.  They are my Brother-In-Law and SIL but that doesnt mean we have to be buddy buddy. 

Post # 12
4347 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

….honestly your “differences” are basically that he smokes pot, you don’t, and you guys went to college and they didn’t. There are about a million things you could talk about that do not relate to those things in any way. If you actually have a genuine interest in them, just pick one.

Post # 15
1617 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

You can’t force a connection. It just doesn’t sound like you have anything in common with each other which is fine. It’s nothing personal. It’s a little upsetting, but there’s nothing you can do about it.

I’m close to FI’s one sister. I rarely talk to the other. I wasn’t even going to ask her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man simply because I forgot about her, lol. There’s nothing wrong with her. Or me. We just having NOTHING in common. I know as soon as I have kids, however, we’ll be with each other every weekend because we’ll have that commonality. (She has a 2 year old and her husband has an 8 year old from another marriage.)

It’s just the way it is with people sometimes.


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