(Closed) Future BIL Try to Ruin Honeymoon??

posted 9 years ago in Family
  • poll: How should we approach fiance's brother about their choice of wedding dates?
    Call FBIL and tell him "congrats" but we won't be in attendance if they keep that date. : (10 votes)
    45 %
    Call FBIL and ask them to move their wedding date. : (2 votes)
    9 %
    Give up on calling and when they get around to asking us if we will be there, tell them no. : (10 votes)
    45 %
    Move our honeymoon date. : (0 votes)
    Other - please explain. : (0 votes)

    22 votes

    • Post # 1
    Member
    1940 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    Background: My fiance proposed last Christmas (2008) and we decided to have an 18 month engagement.  I’m 23 and he’ll be 24 by the time the wedding come (July 3, 2010).  He works in the IT field and is finishing up classes towards his bachelor’s degree.  I’m a Doctor of Pharmacy student and work some too.  Needless to say, we’re pretty busy with life…

    So, my fiance’s youngest brother is 19 and has a baby that will be 18 months old by the time our wedding comes.  He has basically decided it’s not important to obtain at least a GED and doesn’t really hold a job.  The baby’s mother (who is also 19) recently quit her job because it was “too hard” and isn’t really pursuing any other jobs.  My fiance and I don’t agree with the choices that they are making, but try to visit them, buy the baby things, etc.  The rest of my fiance’s family isn’t very fond of the girlfriend.

    Well apparently Future Brother-In-Law proposed to his girlfriend a few weeks ago – fiance’s mom slipped and mentioned it (apparently she wasn’t supposed to).  My fiance asked his mom to mention that since we have been planning our wedding for a year, it would be nice if our wedding was first.  (My fiance’s also the oldest and I think he is a little disappointed that we weren’t the first to have kids so he is hoping that we could get married first… sounds silly, but I think it’s a bit true.)  

    So…. Christmas comes and Future Brother-In-Law is ill and is not at the family party.  Another family member comments to me about the date of FBIL’s wedding – 4 DAYS after ours!! We were planning on going on a honeymoon that week!!  It’s now been over a week since we found this out, and we called his brother twice and left messages for him (how are you?  give us a call back.  happy new years, call us, etc) and he isn’t calling back!  Apparently they are getting married on the Wednesday immediately following our wedding by a Justice of the Peace and then having a party on Saturday – the following Saturday after our wedding, when we are to be out of town!

    We thought about telling the brother now that if they move forward with this date, we just won’t be there.  We put a lot of thought into planning our wedding date – we checked with both families regarding multiple dates, and made sure there were no major conflicts.  Obviously they didn’t do the same.  In addition, we are doing the whole “big wedding” thing – the minister, dress, cake, photographer, 100 guests, etc.  We’re working really hard to plan our wedding (especially considering I have to devote so much time to my Doctorate degree!)  Why would they have their wedding 4 days after us?!? And it’s they are having it done in the courthouse!  I would rather they just get married before us (like a month or more before us) instead of 4 days after us!!

    We don’t want to cause a rift between us and my fiance’s brother, but we want to go on our honeymoon!  It seems crazy that my fiance not attend his brother’s wedding, especially since his brother is supposed to be in our wedding as a groomsmen.  We are really busy with school and work, and taking time off for the honeymoon right after the wedding was the most feasible and we have already looked into locations and are just about ready to book something.  What should we do??

     

    Tagged: ,

    Post # 3
    Member
    4485 posts
    Honey bee

    Stick with your original plans. Don’t say anything about it.

    Post # 4
    Hostess
    18637 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    Honestly, since he isn’t answering your calls, I don’t think he would want to change his date.  And he knew beforehand that you two were getting married then.  So if it were me, I would book the honeymoon and tell them that you are sorry but because of your school situation you wouldn’t be able to take off any more time for a honeymoon.

    Post # 5
    Member
    2779 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    Who exactly told you? Is this for definite? If Future Brother-In-Law isn’t picking up the phone I’d call Future Mother-In-Law and ask her straight out and let her know what the issue is – that it’s hard for you to get time off and you and FH want to go away that week for honeymoon, etc etc. It may be that Future Brother-In-Law has taken into account that you and FH may go away that week and aren’t bothered that you won’t be able to be there.

    Post # 6
    Member
    1940 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    Future Mother-In-Law was at the party and didn’t have anything to say about the date – at least then.  But that really is the date – fiance’s parents, grandparents, etc all knew about it – just not us… 

    Maybe they weren’t planning on inviting us or something.  Who knows.  I’ll have my fiance call his mother today – maybe the conversation will go better if he talks to her about it instead of me.

    Post # 7
    Member
    27 posts
    Newbee

    whoa.  That is not good!  Sounds really selfish of them.

    This is really tough though because it is family and you kind of have to be there for them (regardless if they are a hot mess right now).  At the same time, that should be your week!!! I think that all family should know not to plan anything with 2 weeks before or after your big day – especailly 2 weeks after.  Pretty rude.  But, I would not book until you chat with him…please let us know what happens…

    Post # 8
    Member
    399 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2009

    Until he gets around to telling you the date of their wedding, you should just keep your plans as they are.  And if the date does end up being 4 days after your wedding, then they should understand why you can’t be there.

    Post # 9
    Member
    2779 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    In that case I agree with MissAB, book your honeymoon and get FH to tell Future Mother-In-Law and ask that she tell Future Brother-In-Law as he’s not returning your calls. As you said, you have been planning this so it’s not going to come as much of a shock to them….

    Post # 10
    Member
    1037 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2010 - Carlouel Yacht Club

    Ouch. I’m so sorry to hear this…it is not an easy situation to say the least! That is so disappointing that your Brother-In-Law isn’t being conscientious enough to schedule his wedding a reasonable amount of time after or before yours! If he isn’t answering your calls and doesn’t want to talk about the issue, I don’t know what else you can do! If you already have the honeymoon scheduled, that would be so disappointing to rearrange it. I’m not much help…I’m sorry! But I hope you do get it figured out; make sure to let us know!

    Post # 11
    Member
    431 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2009

    I’m sorry to hear of your tough situation.  I was in a wedding where the bride’s brother proposed AFTER the bride’s husband, but had their wedding BEFORE the bride’s (the brother & his wife are just LIKE THAT).  Consequently, many people chose to attend the brother’s, but could not afford to come to Chicago 2x’s to attend the Bride’s wedding.  Plus her sister dropped out as a Bridesmaid or Best Man b/c of a c-section (understandable).  My Father-In-Law threw a family reunion THE DAY AFTER our wedding!  I know it was to save people plane fare, but let’s just say I had to majorly cut on my side (I have 4 siblings and a innumerable relatives-3rd & 4th cousins due to my Irish heritage, & he is an only child.) to accomodate much of his family whom neither of us had ever met.  The reunion was nice, but it kind of stole our thunder.  Who the hell wants to go to a picnic at 11A the day after their wedding??  It spoiled our plans for an after-wedding brunch, so we had a small breakfast (just 4 of us) & had to rush around all morning (after waking up super early-the hotel extended our check-out time as newlyweds, but we couldn’t take advantage) picking up our dogs, returning our rental car (Porsche-yay!), yada yada.  In other words, I feel for you (this was not meant to turn into the eileen show-I just never got a chance to get it out.  I don’t resent my inlaws-they had NO ill intentions-they had no idea the trouble their reunion caused.)  It is VERY inconsiderate for you Future Brother-In-Law to tell EVERYONE else the date, but not you two considering he’s standing up for you.  It’s prob b/c he knows it isn’t right to have his wedding so close to yours (to make Out of Town guests choose betweent the two, but maybe some guests can make a week trip out of it and go to both??)  Not to play the devil’s advocate, but I kind of think you should be the bigger people though (not excusing what they did) and maybe postpone your honeymoon 1 week.  You & Fiance prob don’t have school in the summer, so what’s another week?  It is hard to change a wedding date, & maybe somehow the date is meaningful to them?? Since it sounds like a less formal affair, I would try to discuss the situation & see if they’re amenable to changing the date-just reasonably explain your situation.  It would be such a shame for your Fiance not to attend his brother’s wedding or for there to be an all-our “war” over it.  Good luck!!

    Post # 12
    Member
    4566 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    … not cool, bro (literally). Since at this point no one has told you anything you’re supposed to know, I’d just go ahead with your plans. Heck, even after you officially find out, I’d keep the original date. He’s made it pretty clear that he doesn’t want you to know. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    1940 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    SO… because Future Brother-In-Law hasn’t called back, I called Future Mother-In-Law and talked to her about the wedding in general, and the situation with FBIL’s wedding date.  She said that we should take our honeymoon that week if we want – Future Brother-In-Law and fiance are on again, off again, so who knows if they will actually get married anyways (which is pretty sad, but that’s another issue…)

     

    At least I feel a little better knowing that my fiance’s parents understand that we have been making plans for a year already.

     

    Thanks for the advice and input!!!

    The topic ‘Future BIL Try to Ruin Honeymoon??’ is closed to new replies.

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