(Closed) Future daughter in law

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 31
Member
204 posts
Helper bee

On a positive note could you ask her (nicely!) if she could choose one area of the wedding that you can be involved with? So if you can agree to leave her to choose her dresses and other details on her own, but she lets you help choose and put together centerpieces (for example, it could be something else) this could be a good compromise. This way you feel involved but there are set boundaries.

Post # 32
Member
498 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

[content moderated for name calling]

Post # 33
Member
470 posts
Helper bee

Notice that a lot of your complaints (e.g. venue) could have been resolved if your son had invited you too — why is it her fault, and not his? And the dress…some people like keeping it super secret. If you’re so concerned about the being involved in your son’s wedding, talk to him.

Post # 34
Member
2568 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I have an ok relationship with my Mother-In-Law…I say ok because we get along, are very friendly with one another, but I wouldn’t say we are close.  With that said, there is no way in hades I would have wanted her there the morning I got ready, or even shopped for my dress.  I am a very private person and hate showing too much emotion in front of others…and trust me, there was lots of emotion flowing the day I found my dress and the morning of the wedding.  Some people like  just prefer certain boundaries.  It doesn’t mean I love my Mother-In-Law any less…just means I wanted those I am the closest to to be with me on those days.  Respecting the boundaries your FDIL has set might do your relationship a world of good.

Post # 35
Member
668 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

[content moderated for name calling]

Post # 36
Member
1581 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

gingerkitty:  Thought you ought to know *eyes roll back in head* lol

Post # 37
Member
6771 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Oh, dear. It seems someone is bored and looking for a little entertainment today.

On the off chance this is for real and because I’m procrastingating on a project–OP, just take a few steps back. This is not your wedding. And unless you are paying for it, you are merely an honored guest. And yes, I said merely. 

It sounds as if your FDIL is going out of her way to respond to you politely despite the fact that you are crossing all sorts of boundaries. Be grateful you are still invited to this wedding as it seems you pulled a LOT of sh*t in the past. Take care not to repeat or you may find yourself without much of a relationship with your “darling son” moving forward. 

You do not need to approve the venue. You do not need to approve the florist or taste the cake. You may be as important to your son as your FDIL’s mother and Maid/Matron of Honor are to her but that does not mean you get to get ready with the bridal party, especially as it seems your behavior nearly broke this couple up.

If your son and FDIL are willing, despite your past and current behavior, you may host a rehearsal dinner with some input from the couple. Aside from that, choose an appropriate dress. Show up on time. Smile and offer your heartfelt congratulations. 

Post # 38
Member
26 posts
Newbee

Wow is this a real post? U sound like the mother in law every woman dreads. I am sure you are a great woman and a great mother. But this is HER wedding and it sounds like you just can’t get the hint to back off!  i can tell you love your son a great deal. maybe you should get a hobby, distract yourself. The more you back off the happier you and ur daughter in law will be and who knows. Maybe she will come around and start including you more!

Post # 39
Member
3396 posts
Sugar bee

There is a website called http://www.yelp.com that you can use to find a place to get your hair done.

Post # 40
Member
6835 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Your FDIL was obviously super irritated last time they tried to plan the wedding by all your meddling. I’m sure she’s learned her lesson and is leaving you out of the planning entirely this time. Good for her! That’s actually the advice you’ll constantly see being given to brides that post on here about their intrusive MILs: to just stop talking to them about everything. 

All of your grievances with her are really totally out of line. I’m sorry, but you are NOT just as important as the Maid/Matron of Honor and her mother. Do you seriously think you are? And I’m saying this as someone who loves my Future Mother-In-Law. 

Post # 41
Member
645 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

My sons fiancée didn’t invite me to look at the venue with them

Did your son ask you? Or is it on his fiance

They booked the date without asking me if this was a good date

Assuming its a year or so away surely you can make yourself free for their wedding

She went to a wedding fair and again didn’t invite me

Boo hoo!!

She’s really vague about wedding plans that they have made when I ask her where they’re up to with it all

Maybe they haven’t planned a lot or want you to be surprised!

Every time I suggest something, she just smiles and says good idea

Nice way of saying shut up I don’t like your ideas!

She won’t tell me what her wedding dress looks like, never mind let me see it

I didn’t tell anyone but my mother. This is normal!

I asked her to find me someone who could do my hair for me the morning of the wedding because the venue is 30 minutes away from where I live and I don’t know the area, I asked this hoping she would invite me to get ready with her

And you wonder why she doesn’t tell you things when you are making not so subtle suggestions

She still hasn’t asked me to get ready with her, I’m just as important as her mom and her maid of honour

No your not!! You are his mum not her mum or best friend. She hasn’t chosen you your a package deal with the man she loves.

I don’t want to miss out on all the girly time, I want to feel important too, my child is also getting married!

Then get ready with your child! Talk to your child stop forcing her to do it all. LEt “darling son” take some blame.

 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Dogmummy.
Post # 42
Member
3564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I don’t think this post is real…but given half of these responses it’s no wonder a good majority of Bees have such a crappy relationship with their Mother-In-Law.  Some of you seem to treat your Mother-In-Law like she’s nobody…you get what you receive.  Imagine if your son was getting married how you’d feel if you were treated as if you didn’t matter. 

FWIW, I love my Mother-In-Law.  Yes, sometimes she says things I side-eye at…but hell, my own mom does that sometimes too.  However, I can’t expect to have a good relationship with her unless I work on it on my end too.  When it came to matters of my wedding, I personally made sure that my Mother-In-Law felt wanted and involved.  She didn’t pay a dime for our wedding, and I didn’t expect her to.  She and my SILs were invited to get ready with me.  I went shopping with her to help her find her dress.  If she asked to help, I gave her something to do so she’d feel like she was involved. 

In the off chance that this is real, OP, try sitting down with her and your son and tell her you understand that things were rocky before, apologize for your past issues, and going forward you’d like to develop a closer relationship with her and would love to be involved/help with the wedding in any way that she will allow you to.  Don’t get upset or snarky over her ideas, don’t give input unless asked directly, and don’t try to control things.  Just put the offer and the sentiment out there, and let her involve you if she wants to. 

 

Post # 43
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Crikey woman! You neeeeeeed to get a grip!

[content moderated], my advice would be this – stop trying to be joint 1st place with your son and fdil, (“darling son” is SUPER weird) just enjoy the fact that in a few months you get to have a free day out and witness you son on the happiest day of his life, that should be enough for you! 

Post # 44
Member
11614 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

If you don’t like her, and she knows it, why do you want to get ready with her?

there seem to be a lot of fantasies about wedding day. instead of trying to force that onto this less than ideal relationship, why don’t you reach out, take her to lunch, and express your regret over the past and hopes that you two can build a solid relationship. 

Ask her what you can do to help, and keep your opinions to yourself for the sake of mending fences. A good relationship with her is worth a lot more than getting ready with her out of her sense of guilt. Good luck.

Post # 45
Member
2332 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Surely this is fake, as noone can be that un- self aware.

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