(Closed) Future family-in-law issues…

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think you all need to sit down and discuss your feelings. Nothings going to change unless they know about it and know how it is affecting you.

Also why isn’t your boyfriend sticking up for you? Him sighing and looking the other way can’t be helping the situation and with him having negative attitude towards the situation they are bound to have negative attitude to.

Post # 5
Member
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Fighting with his family is not going to help the situation, it will only make things worse.

Since you and SO will be together forever (right?) you don’t need to be BFFs with his family right away. You can take some time and work on this. But if you push them too far now, that chance may be lost.

It’s possible his family just takes a while to warm up to outsiders. I know personally I have to spend alot of time with people, really just observing and being around them, before i feel close enough to talk to them or open up at all. It’s possible his family just needs more time around you. 

Not everyone interacts the same way. You can’t expect his family to have the same social skills or types of interaction as you or your family or friends. I think your best bet is just to spend time with them, lay low, make pleasant small talk, listen and just show that you are pleasant to be around. Take note of how they interact, how they talk, and try to do the same without being pushy.

Post # 6
Member
7493 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Honestly, from your post you do seem a little pushy.  They don’t have to play the relationship game the way you want it.  Back off and let them come to you in their own time.

Post # 7
Member
1459 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - Bristol zoo

I don’t think it’s all that uncommon for inlaws to be not super close? Is it really so necessary for you guys to know everything about each other?

 

I’m in kind of a similar situation where we are the same age and I’ve been with Boyfriend or Best Friend for 2 years. He lives at home and most of our time together is spent at his house because of work etc. He has a very friendly and close-knit family but I very much doubt that they actually know anything about me, even what degree I just finished.

Boyfriend or Best Friend also has a sister and if she were home wanting to hang out with him then I’d just have to accept that. I’m not close to his sister, she has her own friends and her own life, Boyfriend or Best Friend is her family, I am not (especially while we aren’t married).

 

It really doesn’t matter that these people aren’t super interested in me because it’s their son I am dating, not them. What is important is that they accepted me as the girlfriend when I became one and have never been rude to my face or stopped me from joining in when they watch a film together or prevented me from entering their house.

From your post it sounds like your BF’s family are being accepting of you, there is nothing in what you’ve described that I could pinpoint as “rude”. Perhaps they don’t know you as well as you like but continually telling them that will only serve to push them away from you (and does it really really matter?).

 

Anyway, I hope that my post may be of some kind of use/comfort to you and also that my point wasn’t too convoluted XD

Post # 8
Member
1733 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Yeah, you are being a bit pushy — out of love and excitement, I’m sure. Not that there’s anything wrong with wanting to be close to your in-laws, but it seems like you’re really wanting to be considered an equal part of the family after about a year and a half. For some families, you might be by that point, but clearly not for these folks (and probably not for my family, either, tbh). It’s good that you aren’t pushing for the formal engagement, but in this post you seem to feel like you’re already a daughter/sister-in-law in all but name only. From their perspective, you’re really not yet. And the amount of importance that you’re putting on forming *family* ties with them — up to and including reproaching them for not reciprocating — is making it less and less likely for them to really see you as who you are instead of someone who REALLY REALLY wants to be married to their kid. Which is a turnoff.

I think you’ll have more success if you just relax about it and try not to force anything. Be pleasant and polite and let the relationship develop naturally, without any pre-conceived expectations.

Post # 9
Member
3830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@eeniebeans:  +1

Honestly let them come around on their own and dont try and force it.  Let your Fiance stick up for you.  I will never be that close with my in-laws. I try, i really do. But i have given up on having a close relationship. We are on friendly terms. I always wish they would come to me first instead of Fiance because he is awful at planning or remembering, but i guess they just dont feel comfortable. I guess we are just too different. I dont know. We are on friendly terms which is good enough. I love my Fiance and we are really happy together so thats all that matters.  I try not to push and just make the effort i can.  

Post # 10
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I don’t think you mean to be pushy, but you are coming across that way.  I don’t get to see my siblings very often, we’re scattered acros the globe.  When we do get a chance to see each other, we send the spouses/SOs away.  Last time, everyone was included for dinner, but all 3 of us girls were talking for HOURS, by ourselves first.  Imagine if your best friend moved out of town and you only saw each other once every few years.  She was going to be in town for one night and wanted to hang out with you and catch up.  Seriously, would you want to bring your SO? 

Just take a deep breath and back off.  They’ll probably like you a lot better if you’re not in their face trying to force a relationship.  Smile, be polite and bringing a treat for the family when you stop by never hurts either. 

The other thing to keep in mind is that you’re not his fiance yet.  I know you two are planning on it, have talked about it, etc.  But right now, from his family’s perspective, you’re his girlfriend.  And at least for my family, it would be really weird for a BF/GF to be wanting the family closeness of a spouse/fiance.

Post # 11
Member
1459 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - Bristol zoo

@MariContrary: And at least for my family, it would be really weird for a BF/GF to be wanting the family closeness of a spouse/fiance.

Just popping back to say “this ^^^” 😀

 

My mum has always told me that she’ll accept and be friendly to anyone that I introduce to her as my Boyfriend or Best Friend, but she won’t become ‘fond’ of them unless we actually get married. Too much effort otherwise lol.

Post # 12
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@MaidMarian:  So true!  It was worse for my sibs (I’m the youngest by 20 years), there are 3 sisters and 1 brother all within a 10 year age range.  There are stories of my poor dad referring to the various BFs and GFs as ‘hey you’ and ‘that one’.  Not in a mean way, but it’s hard to keep track!  It’s a big deal to get added to the family birthday calendar, that means you’re considered permanent.

Post # 13
Member
3150 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

@alsgirl:  maybe you need to back off a bit and let the relationships develop more organically. Your post seemed a but pushy. And if I only have a few hours to see my sister, I would whole heartedly prefer to spend that time with just her.  I think you really new to stop pushing yourself on them with things like ‘how can I facilitate??’ and be more like ‘I know Tom is so happy to see you. Hopefully next time you’ll have more time to spend and we can all grab a drink.’ I know I do not like when people are overly familiar. Just let it happen. 

Post # 14
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Wow that must be so annoying! I am sorry you have to deal with this! I would say to really express your feelings to your boyfriend, and say if you really care about me, you will help me through this to ease the tension between you and his family.

Try not to worry as much. Be confident. When you are with his family, (not saying to kiss up) but just always smile, and don’t talk that much, yet don’t talk too little. Bring over flowers for his mother or make a yummy dessert: it might spark conversation.

Hopefully time will make this heal. I am so sorry about you having to deal with this!!

Post # 15
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

WOW. You need to chill out OP. You can’t make people like you. You have to allow them to develop their one feelings and impressions on their own.

“I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve said to SO to only ask when HE is ready and not to feel pressured because I’m ready.”

This quote speaks volumes to me about your relationship with your fiance. You need to back off. Trust me If you’ve lost coutn of the number of times that you’ve said that then he gets the point that you’re ready to marry him. If you REALLY want him to wait until he is ready to propose than you need to stop bringing it up. No one likes feeling pressured. The more you pressure him the more he is going to feel negatively about proposing. The more he doesn’t respond to your pressuring the more you are going to feel dejected and the more desperate you are going to become. I’m not saying this to be mean. I’ve been in your shoes. I was ready to say yes at one year but I didn’t get a ring until 3.5 years. Waiting is tough and I will admit to getting pushy at some points. Which I regret and strongly discourage.

 

I’m sorry that his family isn’t as warm and welcoming as you would like. That does suck and I can understand why that would be frustrating. But you have to remember that no one wants to feel badgered. If you come on too strong with the “love me I’m your FDIL” stuff  than you’re going to push them away.

Post # 16
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I’d just ignore it. You don’t need to be close to your inlaws. If they don’t want to be, just move on. If later they do, maybe you’ll still want to be… if not, oh well. You can’t force a relationship that isn’t there.

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