- 6 years ago
This will be long…I apoligize in advance. I even took my watch off to get comfortable while typing. lol.
My Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have dated for 3 years. In that 3 years a lot has happened that resulted in me not trusting him. Now, I honestly dont think he has cheated. He may have flirted with girls or talked to girls at bars while out with the guys, Idk…but I am almost sure he has never truely cheated. Lies however…he lies about everything. He lies about porn (even when I pull it up on his phone/computer and show him that he is busted..he will lie to my face)…he lies about going out. He will lie and tell me he is at his brothers when really they are out at a bar. His excuse as to why he says he feels he cant be honest is bc he thinks i’ll flip but really, if he was just honest from the get go, i would feel much better. Its the lying that pisses me off. No, I dont like him going out to bars esp with certain friends of his who are wild but as long as he was completely honest, then I would feel better about it.
Onto the ex…for 3 years, little weird things have happened that made me feel like he misses his ex. Background: they dated for a few years which was like when he was around 21-24 years old (he is now 29)…they broke up for 5 years..then he fooled around with some other girl then he started dating me. From what I have been told, his ex and I have been the only girls he has brought home to his family. Ok…in our 3 years…he, as well as his family, made her out to be this horrible person, saying she cheated on him and how she was a huge bitch, etc. Well, in the 3 years, I came across a box of stuff he kept of hers, pics, love letters, stuff like that. I asked him to get rid of it and he said he would. Well…like 6 months later I was donig his laundry and found a picture of her and him in his sock drawer (on my side of the bed!) So…he lied saying he got rid of everything when really he just threw everything out except the picture and moved it to his night stand. (why not put it in the closet? is it really necessary to have it in arms reach?) ….ok so then we are out in public with some friends, having a good time, he was being affectionate toward me, kissing me had his arms around me…then she walked in the door. His total demeanor changed, he went from standing behind me with his arms around me to not standing near me and facing me. His excuse was that he didnt want to face her…ok, so lets leave, or how about move to a diff area together…dont pull away from me and act like youre ashamed to show me affection or have her know we are together. Then other situations happened…the list goes on.
So…then he gets facebook. All his family memebers who claim to hate her..all friended her. Then of course he does too. I told him that with how he is still so interested in her life I thought it was disrespectful. I mean I dont associate myself with any of my exs. So then he got a whole new fb account. He said he would friend her. So a few times in our relationship I have looked at his computer history and recently he kept looking up her profile. So that, on top of everything else…was my breaking point. So the say after valentines day, I told him I needed a break away from him and that he needed to figure out how he felt about her bc I could no longer continue feeling like he still had feelings for her and that he needed to figure it out bc he cant keep looking her up and what not. So we took a break for about a month. Almost every day he text me telling me he loved me. (Except on the days when he was out at the bar and didnt want me to know where he was, except I knew where he was bc later he admitted to it).
Oh AND…I need to mention that while were were on a “break” he went out and bought a dog without me. Something we planned on doing together. And it broke my heart! I mean it was supposed to be “our” dog, we had been looking together for a long time and planned on it…then he went and did it without me. I was so hurt….
So…also, I must admit that I did a crazy chick move to see what he was up to on this “break”…he kept claiming how he agreed we needed time away becuase he needed to figure things out. But he kept saying how he loved me and didnt want anyone else and that the time away was for him to grow up so he could be the man I needed him to be. Well…I made a fake FB account and put pics of girls on there and messaged him.
I said, “Hey, your cute, so is your puppy, are you single?”
he said: “Why thank you, yes iam, she is the new gal in my life”….
Now…why even message someone back if you arnt interested in anyone else and if you are focusing on growing up to start a life with the woman you claim to love? Hit the delete button and move on…to me, if he was so concerned about fixing us..then he shouldve hit delete and moved on. And of course I was so upset he did that, I blabbed and told him I made the account…I shouldve bit my lip and kept going with it to see what else he would say…
So a few weeks ago he wrote me this long email saying how he loved and missed me and blah blah blah. So we decided we were going to try to work on things. He has said he missed and missed all kinds of things about me. Ok…great so things felt better….so on March 28th he took me to look at rings. We had been talking about getting married and looked at houses together…before I always said I didnt think he was ready…we took a break, he came back and said he wanted to get me a ring. YAY! I was excited and thought maybe he did have some realization. We bought the ring that day and have been waiting for them to call to tell us its ready bc it had to be designed. We should get it back at the end of April.
OR MAYBE NOT… I was at his place today while he was at work and I got onto his computer to watch a show I missed last week and my curiosity got to me so I looked through his history. Not suprized about what I found….March 10th he messaged her saying is she wanted to see the puppy then to let him know and they could hang out. His history would only show me that he had fb messages and like part of a sentence…so I saw that he said, “hit me up sometime if you wanna meet up to see the puppy”….(OUR PUPPY!!!)…
So he came home today and I told him we needed to talk. I asked him what made him realise he wanted to get married to me and he said losing me. Ok..so then I brought up how I looked thorugh his history…he admitted to messaging her but when i asked to see the full message convo he said no bc he deactivated his account and it wasnt my business bc we were split up. I told him his word meant nothing bc of his past lies and that I wanted to put everything on the table and see what was said.he still said no. So we argued about how he thinks im nosey and he said he never met up with her.
So, I told him to see if he still had feelings for her. On our break I told him to clear that up and figure his shit out with her. SO its not the messaging her that hurts…its what came next. I asked if he was going to take the dog to see her and he said no and that if his ex asked, he would say he was engaged. Ok…but we arnt yet.
so he said: “if we arnt together I’m not going to see her…we werent together, thats different.”
So I said: “So let me get this straight, if your with me you wont see her but if we arnt together then you will?”….he said “yes”..
UMMMMM WTF! So obviosuly he isnt over her. Weather or not I’m with him, that doesnt deterime if I see any of my exs. I am not at all interested in their lives nor do I want them im mine, single or not…I dont care to ever see my exs. AN ex is an ex for a reason.
AM I wrong? I dont even want to be with him or go through with the engagement. I told him we need to do couples therapy and he says no. So I told him I’m not saying yes until we see a counselor. He blew it off.
How does he offer to see his ex on march 10th then on march 28th (2 weeks later)….he buys me a ring?????? And what he doesnt want anything to do with her if i’m with him but when he is lonely and if i’m not with him then he does??
iam so hurt right now. i’m sure many of you will give me responses about how i was wrong in making a fb account and how i shouldnt have to check his history…but, when you are hurt so much and have little trust, its hard not to. And, I’m not the only one…so rude, caddy comments can be kept to yourself, thanks. I would rather get advice from people who have been in somewhat similar/difficult positions. Not every realationshp is perfect. I am with him becuase I love him and choose to work through our problems rather than just throw it away. So please…give me advice if you actually care and arnt just trying to say how perfect your relationship is compared to mine. I know how caddy girls on this site are and it is why I never post advice boards.
Thanks…I am so hurt…