(Closed) Future FI stuck on his ex (long)

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
537 posts
Busy bee

I didn’t need to read much further than “He lies about everything.” Done. Over. I’m not sure why you’ve continued to stay with him considering his lies, but just get out now and for the love of all that is holy, don’t accept a ring.

Post # 33
Member
3189 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I have to agree with PPs…this relationship seems pretty toxic. I know it is easier said than done to leave someone – although you have done it once so I have hope that it may be easier for you this time around. But if you decide you want to try to work it out (not saying that would be the wisest choice, but you wouldn’t be the first girl to have trouble ending a serious relationship), I think you are absolutely right to not say yes to marriage until you go to counseling.

Post # 34
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@MissTeachy: i believe this is the first time I’m actually responding to a non-wedding-related post and it’s because I was EXACTLY where you are once. In fact, I was in it for a good 5 years, so I can feel exactly what you’re going through. There were all these red flags. He showed he was obviously not interested and that I was more his “backup plan” than “the one”. I trusted him with all my heart in the beginning until one day, when I just happened to come across something he had been hiding all along, and overnight, I turned into this crazy girl, snooping around any chance I got. But even after knowing he was hiding and lying to my face, I couldn’t let go. I think when you love someone very deeply, you really want every opportunity to look past flaws, work through them and start new. At least, that was how I felt. And when you’ve been with someone for so long, you get used to him, which makes it even harder to let go. I finally made the difficult decision to end things. It was probably one of the hardest things i had done because on one hand, I truly loved him and couldn’t picture my life without him. On the other, i couldn’t stand being lied to anymore, and the snooping around was getting out of hand…and it became clear to me that even if we got married, I’d be snooping the rest of my life.

A few months after the breakup, I went into a relationship with my best friend (whom I’ve known since middle school). A person who has loved me for as long as I can remember. And I’m getting married to him this year.  All I can say is, leaving my ex might have been one of the toughest things I ever did, but it sure is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have found everything I ever wanted in a man and more in a best friend I’ve known almost all my life…and if it weren’t for the breakup, I would have never realized how much I could truly be loved.

Please don’t make that same mistake I made of staying longer than I needed to in an obviously bad relationship. You deserve better. And an amazing guy out there deserves that love that you’re able to give, more so than your bf does.

Post # 35
Member
12326 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I read the whole thing, but don’t have time to read the responses yet…. But it was bad enough with the 3 years of lying, but with the ex too.. I have no idea how you have managed to stay ina relationship with him.  Run and don’t look back!

 

Post # 36
Member
995 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@WYAtocha:  this, exactly. I was thinking as I read that you are “the backup girl”, the “safetynet”

 

to the OP, good for you already questioning & pullng away. Trust your gut and take strengh from all the women here, supporting your instincts.

Post # 37
Member
1581 posts
Bumble bee

Spare yourself the pain. Leave the bloke!!

Post # 38
Member
1637 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

If he’s turned you into Miss Paranoid then whatever he truly feels for you, he’s not right for you. The lying to avoid arguments….he’s a baby. You need a grown up. Someone out there will make you feel good about your relationship.

Post # 39
Member
4812 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I really don’t need to say anything more than what the other bees said. This is a toxic, unhealthy, immature and needlessly dramatic (from both sides) relationship. 

So not worth it, and not at all what you should expect or settle for in a relationship.

Time to move on. Get to a healthy place where you can look back and truly see this relationship as it is, and be aware of your choices and actions in this relationship, before dating or I expect you will just repeat a similar relationship.

A tip – if you are in a relationship where you are thinking “if only he would change this” or “if only this (like the trust issue) were different” he is not the guy or it is not the relationship for you.

Post # 40
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I wish I could hug you in person.  I’m sorry!

That said, here’s the tough love. Any relationship where you bring out the “crazy chick” is not a relationship.  There is no trust, and you know this. Do you want to be in a marriage where you are constantly looking over your shoulder?

One last tough question to ask yourself: you said, “I am with him becuase I love him and choose to work through our problems rather than just throw it away.”  How much of it is love, and how much of it is fear? And how do you know the person you ‘love’ is really the person that’s there, especially with everything that’s going on?

I wish you the best.

 

Post # 42
Member
6580 posts
Bee Keeper

I read through all of this and I agree with the PP, leave his sorry ass. If he could lie to you repeatedly over 3 years, he isn’t going to stop now. There is no way you should even be thinking about marriage at this point. If there is no trust in the relationship, what do you have?

You deserve SO much better. It sounds like you put all the effort into the relationship and he didn’t put in any.

Post # 43
Member
4590 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I couldn’t even finish, because I was amazed at how long you have stayed! yes I know, getting out a relationship is hard and emotional, but come on now!!! Stand up for yourself and leave this guy, he will NEVER change. You will NEVER be able to trust him – that is the only reason you need to leave him. He just keeps proving to you again and again that he can’t be trusted, and you still put up with it.

Realize you are worth so much more than this, and leave

Post # 44
Member
6583 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Bad news.

Post # 45
Member
1248 posts
Bumble bee

He sounds like a creep to me. You deserve better. I hope you respect yourself enough to leave ASAP.

 

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