(Closed) Future FI stuck on his ex (long)

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 77
1043 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@MissTeachy:  I think some of the other bees have been saying that beause you never specified that you were actually leaving him. I’ve never been in your situation and I’m sure it’s terrifying! This board is generally very caring and the ladies are just looking out for your best interest. You seem to be very defensive still (and rightly so) so I think you have a lot more venting you need to do. I hope there is somebody who has been through something similar that will PM you. It sounds like you need a good heart to heart with somebody who can sympathize with you rather than just an anonymous vent on the boards.

ETA: even if it is a hard situation I think that once you take some sort of action rather than just trying to talk it out you will feel better. It will suck at first, but doing something about your situation will feel better in the long run. Waiting to act can only make the situation worse because you’ll probably get more stressed and upset about whatever choice you make.

Post # 78
329 posts
Helper bee

I’m really sorry about your situation, I think pretty much everything that can be said has been said.


But, I think some of the Bee’s have had their approaches based on the title of the thread which implies that you still plan to be with him, and that you must be expecting him to change. I think most of the responses are from people who are actually looking out for you and trying to answer the questions you asked in the OP. 

Post # 79
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Break up with him! Trust me! I had a similar reltionship with a chronic liar and cheater for 11 years! So not worth it! Our relationship was perfect except for the lying and casual cheating. Breaking up with him is the best thing I’ve ever done! Now I have a real man who I can trust and feel confident about spending the rest of my life with!

Post # 80
2831 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I totally understand what it’s like.  The ex I told you about… we were together for FIVE YEARS before I got my shit together and left him.  And I cried every day for a week.  It was SO HARD, but it was the RIGHT DECISION.  It’s hard to see when you’re with them, but once you get out you’ll wonder why on earth it took you so long. 

Post # 81
4590 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

My ex and I were together for almost 4 years, and I stuck around through warning signs, because it IS hard to leave a relationship you have spent a length of time in. But, each day gets a little bit better.

My advice – leave, and don’t look back. Don’t speak to him, let him fill your head with everything you want to hear, so you end up back with him without even realizing it. I have seen it a lot, and don’t want that to happento you, If you can’t change your number, block him. 

Get together with friends and family, and make sure you get out all the emotions you need. Cry, scream, throw stuff, hit a pillow, whatever works for you. Give yourself at most 3 days to be a sobbing crazy mess,and then after that time, clean yourself up, dust yourself off, and go do whatever it is that makes YOU happy.

((HUGS)) you can get through this!!! PM if you need anything, I know a lot of us bees have been there. It may seem like some of us are ganging up on you, but we just want to help you through this so you can find that guy that we all have and are thankful for

Post # 82
7321 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@MissTeachy:  I think most people on here respect that you’re hurting and have offered you good advice. So while it’s ok to be angry, lashing out at people on here and calling them “catty” isn’t going to help anything. It’s going to isolate people from helping you further if and when you need an anonymous viewpoint again.

Post # 83
93 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2012 - The Old Field Club

I’m a little confused.  I read through your entire story, and all of the comment you have received.  At the end of your story, you state

“I am with him becuase I love him and choose to work through our problems rather than just throw it away”

I understand that you love him, but you told a story of a very negative, unhealthy relationship.  The bees are upset for you- you deserve better than being with someone you cannot trust and makes you so paranoid you resort to what I consider beyond snooping but provocation.  And his response to your provocation is alarming to me- he seemed interested in this fake person you created.  So while it may be hard to hear, most of the bees are not trying to be mean in telling you to leave.  They are trying to tell you that you deserve to be with someone where your life won’t be filled with lies, cheating, and paranoia.  Many of us have been in relationships like this is the past. We understand how hard it is to leave, but I am confused why you posted this- did you expect people to just say sorry and stick with him? We wouldn’t do that becasue we want the best for you…unfortunately you don’t seem ready to hear it. 

Post # 85
1416 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@MissTeachy:  “if your hubby was a compulsive liar…even about the smallest things…would you have MISTRUST for him? Yea, probably so. So no, IT IS NOT MY FAULT HE LIES TO ME. He childish behavior and lies are not the result of my behavior, my mistrust behavior is a result of his lies. The lies came before the mistrust and then continued. Also, thanks for adivisng me to get counseling on my own, I’ll be sure to get right on that”

I wouldn’t MARRY a compulsie liar.

I did date an abusive jerk who, while I was completely faithful, had so little trust in me, he did not allow me any privacy. He went through my emails, my old journals…from before I knew him, my myspace account. All of it. I am not a dishonest person, but HIS behavior led me to telling white lies, trying to keep secrets to avoid drama. Your behavior sounds similar to his. That’s why he’s an ex.

I am not saying you deserve to be lied to. I’m saying, move on, girl! And maybe talk to somebody about why you’ve put up with it. Getting counseling is not a negative thing.


Post # 86
2168 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Ok OP, I’ll chime in too. I’ve been where you are now. Confused and hurt but still loving this person so much that you just want to hang on a little longer and spinning and not sure what to do. I understand about just wanting the truth for your own sanity because of all the lies.

This guy is big time playing mind games with you. His actions are not the actions of man in love. I’m really sorry. But I know because if it weren’t for your guy having a brother, I would swear you were my ex’s new girlfriend repeating his pattern. Same kind of guy.

I know how hard it is. And it’s very easy for other people to say ‘get out’ but you are the one that has to live it.

Here’s the thing. Everyone is right, there is so much better out there. You deserve a relationship that you don’t feel this way in. But I’m not going to lie, it’s hard as hell to put on your big girl panties and make a change. We can get very stuck on someone.

I was madly in love with my ex who I was with for 7 years, who lied to me and womanized behind my back. I got strung along on little crumbs he would throw thinking that was hope for better days. It wasn’t. Every year I felt the same over and over that we were stuck. He was fine, because he was living his life…I was miserable and being dragged along with it.

I had to read and read and read more about toxic relationships. It’s very hard to let go of someone who is not giving us what we need, because we want them to so badly. But it sounds like you are the one doing all the work in your relationship.

“Never make someone a priority, who only considers you an option.”

He is behaving badly, but you’re taking the focus off that by your own ‘crazy woman’ responding. You’re giving him all the ammo to blame it on you. Hold your own, respect yourself, stand up for yourself and calmly say to him “I deserve better.” Period. If he cares you will know it, and if he doesn’t, you will also know it by how he responds.

Pay attention NOT to his words, but to his actions. And you will know.

I really hope that helps you. For me, leaving this kind of relationship was the hardest and as it turned out, best thing I’ve ever done for myself.  

Post # 87
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Ok, I feel like I have to stick up for the bee ladies, too. I really haven’t seen anyone here tear you apart. In fact, I rarely see any bees on any threads tearing other bees apart! For the most part, everyone here is helpful, insightful and caring (albeit a little blunt sometimes.) anything they’re saying to you, chances are, is for (what they think, at least, is) your own good. And they’re not “shoving their relationships” in your face, just telling you that good relationships exist, and clearly, this isn’t one. 

I have been in a mistrustful relationship before. Dude lied about EVERYTHING. He would make up stories, lie about losing his job, he even lied about paying a bill (I let him use one of my cards, stupidly) and it ended up in collections. I dumped his ass and got with a great man who I’ve been married to for over a year now. 

I don’t know your relationship, but it sounds like games are being played on both sides.

I know you were upset with the one bee for suggesting individual counseling, but therapy is not a BAD THING, especially to deal with a hellish relationship. Bad relationships leave us with scars sometimes and we need a little extra help to get over the damage done to our trust, therapy isn’t a big deal. I’ll admit that I go. It helps to talk to someone about hurt done in the past and not to have to work through it on my own. 

I wish you good luck, I really do. 

Post # 88
22 posts
  • Wedding: March 2013

@MissTeachy:  RUN! as fast as you can!  Easier said then done, but from personal experience, it will be the best thing you have ever done – and you will realize it much quicker than you think!  Get out while you still can – be strong, move on and go get someone you deserve! 🙂  Good luck!  Life’s too short to not be 100% happy in your relationship!

Post # 89
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I can say all the negative things I’m thinking about this situation.  Instead I’ll just send my support (virtually).  Be honest to yourself, would you be happy?


You know the answer already.  

Post # 91
46 posts
  • Wedding: September 2016

Awwe, that must be really hard to have things abruptly finalized like that when you were hoping for a different outcome.

But seriously – this is a good thing. A turning point in your life. You will be so much better off and you can take these experiences forward with you on your path to happiness with a man who actually deserves your love.

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