(Closed) Future FI stuck on his ex (long)

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 92
1481 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Sorry Miss Teachy that things are going this way. Sorry if you did’nt get the support you were hoping for from the other bees. It hink they are trying to be helpful but worded things harshly..obviously not what you needed but I think there is a general consensus about your situation that speaks volvumes 50+ bees can’t all be wrong that’s for sure. But you alredy knew this. 

If it’s over, let the healing begin.I too know how scary it can be to walk away when you’ve invested so much time and love into someone. And yes, relationships are hard, but if you have trust and respect, you can get through the hard stuff. If he took the ring back, then I agree it would be in your best interest to walk away with your dignity intact. After all, you both had doubts, you both aren’t happy. It’s not just him…your not the one getting dumped here. Believe me, you don’t want that ring and all that comes with it.

How do you let go after all you’ve put into this? there’s no easy answer Miss Teachy. I can share that after being maniplulated, taken advantage up and lied to for 2 years…it wasn’t easy at all. Even after I caught my ex cheating red handed (I moved in with him briefly, and one morning he was on the phone with someone else while he though I was sleeping and I picked up the other line). At that point I didn’t care who it was, or why he was doing it. Long story short, I moved out that day. I spend DAYS crying in bed at my parents house. I even gave him another chance after he begged me back. But it wasn’t long before it all started again…before I couldn’t trust not one word from his mouth. The blessing that got me throug this was my now fiance’. You see, my then boyfriend had gone back to his old ways of lying…and he dissapeared on me for a week. During that week, I met my Fiance (this was 10 years ago)…for me, it was love at first sight. He asked me out, but I declined (because I had a boyfriend). I went home that night…and cried, why the F was I ruining my life for this guy? Why?? Why am I so scared?? 

I’d say a few days later my then boyfriend called me to tell me he was back..and he  would like to see me. I was laying in bed at the time…and I remember feeling just digusted with him. I said it was over, that I never wanted to see him again. That I hoped to find someone else, someone who can treat me better. He said fine, and hung up. 

After 2, almost 3 years of lies, betrayl, turmoil and just feeling like I was worth nothing to him…it was over and I ended it. I cried in bed for the next hour, knowing my life would never be the same. I prayed for God to help me forget him once and foever. Well, I did.

A few months later I started dating again, even dated my now Fiance and became good friends with him. I had fun, I learned to enjoy everything about being single. I got a roomate who was sweet and supportive. But it wasn’t  until 9 years later I got engaged to the man I had began dating the year I left my first serious boyfriend. 

You have so much ahead of you, don’t give up. Be strong, but it won’t be easy.

Post # 93
3 posts
  • Wedding: June 2014

agree with everyone who has already said before! lady, run away as fast as you can!

Post # 94
1316 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’m sorry you’re hurting but I think it’s a very good thing that he cancelled the ring order and it is officially over. This was an incredibly toxic sounding relationship with crazy behaviours from both parties, entering into marriage would have been the worst thing you could have done.

I hope you actually take some time by yourself to really heal from this relationship before jumping into a new relationship. You said somewhere that it’s scary to be on your own after being with someone for three years (or something to that effect) but honestly, it sounds like you need the time on your own. I fully agree your ex did some horrible things in your relationship but you also need to take ownership for the fact that you did some equally horrible things. Sort yourself out, learn how to trust again, and figure out exactly what you want in a relationship. You’ve had a great learning experience here in everything you don’t want/need in a relationship and how you never want to act in relationship again. Hopefully you can learn from it and move on to better and brighter things.

Post # 95
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@MissTeachy:  Okay…


THIS you may not like..Your EX sounds exactly like ME two years ago. I could not for the life of me get over my first relationship. It was one of those heart-shattering, totally dramatic, love-of-my-life, what-could-have-been, relationships..I spent close to THREE years stalking him and crying myself to sleep EVERY night. All of our friends knew I wasn’t over him. In the meantime, I kind of started seeing someone and we started dating. The guy KNEW I wasn’t over my ex. I would be with him and I would be DYING on the inside because I would be missing my ex..I would come home from a date and first thing I would do is check out my ex’s account..This craziness all stopped when I met my Fiance..He is the only person who was able to get me to fall out of love with my ex. Hence, why I am marrying him. I spent couple of years in extreme heartbreak and loneliness. I turned to anti-depressants, I lost weight, did not sleep and truly believed life was not worth living.  At one point i was suicidal. And from this personal experience…your ex sounds VERY much like someone NOT over his ex. (clearly not extreme as me but I know the signs)

I am not going to start commenting on all the times you claim he lies..Why would you want to be with someone like this? I don’t know if you want my advice or if you will take it, but If I was in your shoes, I would run and not look back. This person does NOT deserve you, he is a liar (something you admit yourself) and he is not over his ex. I have been there and I know the signs. I don’t know why you stick around but as a person who knows something about a BAD relationship, I would tell you that even as much as I loved my ex and suffered, I walked away. I suffered in silence and I stalked him and I cried and I nagged to all my friends but never looked back. I would leave him..that is my advice. YOU WILL meet someone who deserves you. Trust me, I thought I will NEVER get over my ex. I did and met the most wonderful person.

Don’t do this to yourself. It is not worth it. Do not put a ring on your finger if your WHOLE heart is not into it. To marry someone means you trust that person with your life. Your ex seems like he is trying to fill the void by marrying you – I tried the same with different guys. He admits that he would see her if you weren’t there. For your own sanity girl, just end this and move on. You deserve better.

Post # 96
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m so sorry you are going through this.  From past experience, then pain you are going through now will end.  In the future, when you find a relationship full of trust, all the pain of leaving this person will be worth it.  Someone who is truly in love with you will not treat you badly, talk to women behind your back, or lie to you.  It will all get better!  It always does eventually! 

Post # 97
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I’m so sorry you are going through this!! I wish I could give you a big hug right now! I like so many others was in this exact situation not once, not twice, but three times with three different men! Talk about repeating the past! It want until the third guy that I actually got it. It’s hard to get out a relationship when you are still in love with the person. But now, looking back on it I realize just how much I let these men hurt me. It took over a year of counseling to finally be able to see my part in everything. Now, I’m happily married to a great guy, who is by no means perfect, but perfect for me. I was the “crazy chick” in my past relationships. Instead of breaking up with these guys the first time they lured to me I stayed because I was afraid of bring alone and wanted to feel loved. Looking back on out now I see I was more lonely being in these relationships then I ever would have been on my own.I created fake accounts on dating sites just to see if my boyfriend was on there (which is where we met) I would snoop through their phones, ask their friends what they did so I could catch them in lies. And all it ever did was make me feel horrible and confirm all my worst fears. But, I loved these men and wanted to believe what they told me. I totally get wanting to work things out. Unfortunately it seems your relationship is beyond repair. I suggest seeing a counselor to work through why you stayed in an unhealthy relationship so long. It will also help you to deal with situations effectively for your next relationship. I know for a fact had I not gone to counseling I would not be happily married. I would still be dating men who lied and cheated on me. Instead got the help I so desperately needed to be in a happy committed relationship. Please take my advice and go see a counselor, it will change your life for the better!

Post # 98
297 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

OP hope you have someone other than your bf (now ex-bf?) to lean on right now. I think the end of a relationship can be very much like the death of a loved one. The important thing to remember is that you WILL get through it, you will build a happier life, and you almost certainly will meet a new partner. A partner much better for you, who makes you a better woman.

You’re probably not able/ready to fully analyze this relationship yet, but when you are able to analyze it, you will be so grateful that you left. You may also want to look at different elements of the relationship that made it fail, so that you hopefully avoid the same mistakes in the future. If you do get to that point, I just wanted to mention one thing that may be helpful to you: it is completely okay for your partner to keep photos, etc., of his/her ex. Having keepsakes or photos from past relationships does NOT automatically diminish your current relationship. Your man can be totally crazy in love with you, and have absolutely no romantic feelings toward his ex, but he may still want to keep photos of his ex. Or even stalk her on fb. Both of those things are okay, normal, healthy, and totally his right.

Obviously your current (ex?) relationship had a lot more going on, and the photos were only a tiny part of an overall unhealthy situation. I just wanted to mention this point, hopefully to make your next relationship better. You may meet an amazing man next month! Or next week! He could be your perfect match, and you surely would not want to repeat past mistakes by making unreasonable demands. I am NOT saying the demands you made of your current bf (ex?) were unreasonable within the context of that relationship. But as a general point, it is unreasonable to force your bf to part with his past.

For now, just take care of yourself. Take it easy and let yourself mourn your bf. And remember there IS a better man out there for you — probabably a man way hotter than your ex!

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